I gave in and bought new pants over the weekend. (And I did much more fun shopping, but you'll hear about that later.)
These pants are a big deal, kind of. Because I've put on weight in the past year, but am still smaller than I've been most of my adult life. And the weight that I lost in the misery of last year wasn't really sustainable and putting on ten pounds is really just the result of having my appetite back after a long stretch of being very stressed out.
These were pants I resisted buying. I kept telling myself that I could either lose ten pounds or gain ten pounds - it didn't matter which - but I wasn't buying new pants. So I felt crummy because my body didn't fit my clothes. Then I looked crummy because I was wearing clothes that were cheap and awful and didn't quite fit. I know better than that, really. I like feeling pretty and clothes that fit are a part of that. Vain? Maybe, but I'm ok with that touch of vanity.
This whole not buying new pants thing was starting to make me miserable with my body. I don't really like pants, but I feel ok in skinny jeans, and I didn't have skinny jeans that I could zip up. Having awful oversized, falling off clothes made me feel awful.
So this weekend there was a sale at Bluenotes and we were in Square One. I tried on some pants and said screw it. I'm buying new pants. And it's amazing, even though I should have known, what having pants that fit does to me. I feel like me again.