things which make me happy

I'm having a kind of blah day today. Right after Bunny's teeth got fixed and the grumpy pain monster went away he got sick and so there's been the sucky sick man in my husband's place. Although he's pretty adorable when he's sick. I also maybe had a wee bit of a freak out over the living situation again today, crying in the car after running some errands about how much I hate living out of boxes (finding my winter coats should not be such a big ordeal) and all that other garbage. So it's time to focus on the good stuff, because there is so much good stuff.

• Myself, my family and those who are near and dear to me are all fine in the wake of Hurricane Sandy
• We live in a place where the most we're ever affected, personally, by a hurricane is some big winds and heavy rains
• My adorable puppy who has been especially playful lately
• The end of my husband's tooth pain. I love seeing him happy and pain free again.
• Having the best husband in the world
• Knowing enough about motorcycles to be able to have a somewhat informed discussion. For people who've known me for awhile, this is surprising. Personal growth and more knowledge.
• Quilting and other sewing projects that keep me happy, calm and sane. Plus the sense of accomplishment that comes along with them.
• Sour cream and onion chips.
• The really amazing potato and leek soup my mom made the other week.
• First snow! It happened, it was beautiful, and it was light.
• My three month review at work just passed, and it was all glowing positive. Plus, I maybe get a little bit of a raise, which is always nice.
• Our savings are growing again. October was a good month for us, and while we'll probably have less to show for November and December what with Christmas and all it's nice to see those numbers grow.
• Babies that people I know are having.

rotini with butternut squash

The first time I heard about pasta with butternut squash I made a "ewwww" face. Because that's gross. Right? Turns out that's not right. It's actually kind of fantastic. Especially if you're me and are the one freak of nature in the world who is convinced that tomatoes, especially tomato sauce, is just the grossest thing ever. I mean the smell of pasta sauce sends me out of the room gagging. So this butternut squash thing? It's a nice change from the usual olive oil and parmesan or cream sauce routine I have with the pasta.

I've seen numerous suggestions for this, and while I'm sure a puree would be delicious, and I'm sure that I'd enjoy it if the squash chunks were a more firm-tender I have a sneaking suspicion that this way is best. Caramelizing the squash chunks mean that I can get an almost sauce-like consistency when mixed with the browned butter at the end while still maintaining some of the bite of the squash. The soft-but-not-liquidy texture is an interesting contrast to the pasta.

There are things I would change, as always, if only to try something different next time. There was a bag of pecans I almost chopped and toasted to mix in with this, but Bunny's impending root canal stopped me. (Thank you dentists for giving me my husband back. The grump monster was getting old.) For the same reason I also cooked the pasta itself just passed al dente so that things would be easier on him. If I'd planned ahead to have fresh sage, or any herb really, on hand I would have added that to the brown butter mixture.

Ingredients:

• 4 tablespoons butter, cut into chunks
• 1-2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 tsp dried sage (or other green herbs. I was sorely tempted to use mint, which I just might do next time.)
• 1 tsp pepper
• 1 medium butternut squash, cut into 2" cubes. You'll want these to be uniform, but uniformity is more important than getting any specific size.
• about 500 grams of rotini, fusili or penne (for us this was about 1/2 a package of rotini)
• salt to taste

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350*.
2. Line a baking sheet with aluminium foil for easy clean up. Lightly coat with nonstick cooking spray or oil. Lay out squash cubes in a single layer across the sheet.
3. Cook for approximately 1 hour, or until the squash starts to caramelize. Look for the edges of the cubes to just be turning brown as you remove the squash from the oven.
4. Start preparing pasta, according to package directions. Don't forget to liberally salt the water, as this is the main opportunity to season the pasta. My pasta took about 10 minutes to cook and the water about 5 minutes to heat. If your pasta requires shorter or longer cooking time, adjust when you start this step accordingly. When the pasta finishes cooking, reserve about 1/2-1 cup of cooking water before draining it off.
5. In a large skillet over low heat, melt the butter. Continue to heat, stirring occasionally, until the butter begins to take a slightly browned colour. Let heat for approximately 10 minutes. When the butter is properly browned it will start smelling rather nutty and sweet, and will take on a really luxurious flavour. The low heat is super important here, as it's incredibly easy for the butter to move from browned to burnt and higher heat will speed that process. By keeping the heat low it's easier to monitor your butter.
6. Once that butter browns, remove from the heat and stir in the garlic and herbs. If you're adding something like fresh sage or rosemary this is the time to do that as well.
7. Bring the pan back over the heat and add the squash to the butter. Mix everything around to get an even coating of butter on the squash. Turn the heat up to medium and cook the browned butter and squash together, stirring constantly. The aim here is to get the squash to break up a little bit so it can cling to the pasta, rather than just be chunks of squash in the pasta. Cook for about 3-5 minutes (or until you see a consistency of squash that you like.)
8. By now your pasta should be cooked and drained. Add pasta to the skillet and stir vigourously to thoroughly coat with the butter and squash. Let everything hang out in the skillet for about 2-3 minutes at this point.
9. If desired, add 1/2 - 1 cup of reserved cooking water to the pasta/squash. Let lightly simmer until it comes together with the butter into a more saucy consistency. This helps the butter really adhere to the pasta, and tastes a touch lighter.
10. Eat! Enjoy! If you're a fan, serve with a liberal helping of freshly grated parmesan. Or garlic toast (if you're my mom or Bunny that's a must.)

update on the quilting

The quilt that I'm working on is coming along quite nicely. I find my work tends to come in stops and starts, as it is with most of my hobbies. Some days I'd just really rather be reading a book (and Joseph Anton: A Memoir is proving to be a slow read, but I'm savouring every page) or baking something delicious. Some days or weeks life gets busy, or I get sucked into extreme tiredness (all this sleeping I've been doing lately seems a little overboard) and nothing gets done.

At this point though I'm just finishing quilt blocks 23 and 24, as I try to work on two identical blocks at the same time. The whole project has been a little fly by the seat of my pants and just teaching myself some basics and working from that point. Right now I'm deciding just how big I want this thing to be. After these blocks are done I'm planning on laying things out and seeing if I like the size of a four by six block quilt or if I want to get a hair more fabric and grow the quilt just a touch more. I'm getting to the point where I'm almost done with the blocks though.

I've already made a few more decisions on the quilt construction that are soon going to be ready to implement. I'm going to put contrasting, solid borders both between the blocks and around the edge of the quilt. Which means once I've got my blocks finished I have to pick up some new fabric for that, and I have to decide whether I'm going with black or fuschia for the borders, then there's more cutting and sewing. My other plan is that if I do black borders, I'm doing fuschia backing or vice versa. That seems fairly straightforward, just based on how easily piecing the blocks has gone.

What's the most exciting right now is that after I finish the quilt top, I get to start on constructing the quilt and doing the actual "quilting" aspect, where I get to join all three layers (quilt top, batting, and backing) together. It's a very new sewing skill, but I'm rather excited about starting it, and I think it's going to be fun. Maybe in two or three months I'll have an actual finished quilt, given that I'm intend on doing every stitch by hand.

At this point I've come up with a few lessons that I'm definitely going to take to heart when I start my next quilt. Next time is going to be a little less experimental in that I'm actually going to design something with a finished size and total design in mind, whether I draw out my own design or go with someone else's design. I'm also going to invest in a bigger self healing mat and a larger quilter's ruler to make life easier in the cutting department. (That bit might seriously be the least fun part of quilting. It's just tedius, but it's not bad.) For sure I'll try to buy all my fabric at once to avoid any dye lot differences because that was one thing I've run into so far that I haven't been thrilled with. And uh, maybe I'll buy fabric at a fabric store instead of Wal-mart?

As it happens the next project is sort of slowly taking place in my mind. While I really want to do a quilt that both Bunny and I love, with some colour concessions as I'm pulling for grey and purple and he'd like orange for the whole thing, that's a few projects away. There's someone very near and dear to us who is expecting in about six months and I would really love to make a baby quilt for this new little bundle of joy. I grew up in a family where when there's a baby on the way you make something for it, and I'm not exactly known for knitting cute little baby clothes. I think a baby quilt will do nicely, and I've got some great plans there.

eloping and miscarriage

There were very few things that I didn't love about the way I married Bunny. Eloping was perfect for us, and our moms had a great time being our witnesses and it let them feel involved in our wedding which was important. One thing though did drive me nuts.

The classic elopement question: is she pregnant??? In some ways I was lucky in that very few people posed that question directly to me, but friends and family posed those questions to our moms with a fair sense of regularly. Because oh two introverts are eloping after they've tried to plan weddings to make other people happy, the must be having a baby. (Well, that's my sarcastic take on it. A lot of people don't realize just how introverted Bunny and myself actually are.) In all fairness as well, most of the people posing those questions didn't know that we have had an open conversation on eloping as a potential way of getting married and it was always an option to us. Hell, it was always my preferred option.

The fact of the matter is a pregnancy did spur us towards our decision to elope. Just not in such a traditional way. We didn't formally make the decision to elope until after the miscarriage. The rationale behind our decision to elope was very complex, emotional and not always easy to articulate. Mostly we'd just been through too much heavy stuff, and supported each other through it, and it was ridiculous that we weren't married. The miscarriage was in some senses the straw that broke the camel's back.

When people posed that question it really, really hurt. It felt ignorant. It felt like the people asking had no clue who Bunny and I were, as individuals and as a couple. It felt like they were trying to boil down a complicated decision into the easiest of lowest common denominators, and that they didn't trust us to actually think our choices through. A lot of those feelings were just my very emotional interpretation of things. These people were following a cultural script that suggests the only reason people elope is that they are having a baby, and maybe they were being a little thoughtless by jumping to that question instead of asking more opened ended questions. These are people who love us and who we do love back. But man did I want to punch some of them in the face. (I promise, I did in fact control myself. And I recognize that people don't know the emotional minefield they've walked into when they ask us that question.)

In our case the prevailing script was way off. It couldn't have been more mistaken and because of how torn up I was the questions hurt. A lot. The take away? Don't assume you know people's motivations for their actions. If you're curious ask, but ask in an open ended way. Reproduction is complicated. (Just like weddings) It's emotional. (Just like weddings.) And most people don't share their reproductive difficulties or decisions with the whole world, so be aware that your questions may open an emotional minefield for people when you least expect it.

candlelit dinner

A weekend or two ago, Bunny and I had a real treat. My mom was out of town with friends for the weekend so we had the house to ourselves. It was probably the most refreshing thing that's happened in awhile, even though I was still in the grip of a really deep fatigue and we literally spent half the weekend sleeping.

There were lots of lovely things we did but perhaps the best was a dinner at home. It's been a long time since we've had a dinner at home, just the two of us. Usually my mom's around (note: this is not a complaint) and so dinner revolves around trying to have something ready when she gets home from work, or whatever she's made or requested. Which is fine, but it's not how we're used to doing things and we end up eating at times that we otherwise wouldn't, and things that we'd otherwise prefer not to.

So Bunny got it in his head that it was a good day to make a big dinner at home for the two of us, and who was I to argue. We went shopping for special ingredients, and because we'd slept in till noon and had a very late lunch we didn't start cooking until after nine. We were able to eat super late for no other reason than we wanted to. That was a treat. Then while I was making up some spicy green beans to go with the steak (a take on these beans, in fact) I decided that it was time to up the ante. So we cleared off the table, gathered a handful of candles and got some nice, matching cutlery out. Turned the tv off and just focused on being with each other over our meal.

It's the little things like that which have such an impact on a relationship in my mind. Choosing to cuddle on the couch while we're reading that than going to separate corners of the room. Having very different hobbies, but finding ways to do them in the same space, at the same time when possible. Making a point to be good to each other and focus on each other, even if it's just over a simple dinner.

intersection points

My major in university was philosophy. For people who don't know me very well this often seems kind of odd, but people who do know me and my weird little brain often use this aspect of me as a defining trait. They introduce me as "This is Sher, she's a philosophy major" as if it tells people who I am. And it does sometimes say a lot about me.

I haven't been reading or writing a lot of philosophy lately, although often my head buzzes with the philosophical questions that pushed me into that major. Reading Salman Rushdie's autobiography lately has intensified this for me. Specifically it's the strange intersection between not identifying as a religious person and yet being so utterly interested in the meaning and history of religion.

The best explanation of why I majored in philosophy comes down to a deep, internal yearning within myself to understand existence. Why is the world? What caused it to be? What does it mean to be human, and to live, and how do those things distinguish us? What does it mean to exist within the world, and what all does that entail? Do we actually have souls, and if so what does that mean? Is there a higher power, and what is his/her/its existence like? What are its motivations, if motivations are even a word to be applied to it? How do all the bits and pieces of the world intersect together? Does consciousness only exist on a human scale, or can larger or smaller entities (like galaxies, or like atoms) have awareness of their own existence? Can they think? Why do they exist? And in this grand scale of existence, where we and our lives are nothing but grains of sand in the whole of eternity, does anything we think or do even matter anyway?

I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to answer all of those questions even if given a dozen human lifetimes. Maybe I wouldn't even be able to answer one of them. But isn't there still value in asking the questions and reaching towards possible answers? Maybe that's the whole point of being. Eventually maybe one question and one theory will lead to an answer on some of the essential human questions.

Philosophy wasn't the only path open to me that I felt would help me answer these questions. It probably isn't even the most likely path to yield any results. It felt the most right for me, though. If I were a religious person and somewhat sure in my beliefs, I would probably have embarked on either a personal or professional exploration of my questions in that context. If calculus didn't make me cry, I would probably have gone into physics. Philosophy for me marked the point where religion and science collide. It was a bridge between the concrete and the spiritual. Without personal faith I have always been somewhat weary about stepping too concretely into a study of religion (although philosophy of religion is the area I'm most drawn to), and so philosophy was the route I took.

What is it that draws someone with no faith into the study of religion? What makes me so interested in the inner workings of religion, and so pre-occupied with questions that by their very nature are related to religion. And how is it that while these questions drive me that I am without any concrete, discernible faith of my own? (Oh, I have my own ideas and even my own beliefs but they are rather vague and nebulous, and certainly don't fit into any religious framework I know of.)

book review: divergent

I'd been meaning to pick up Veronica Roth's Divergent for awhile now, after a few coworkers strongly recommended it to me. I figured it would be some light reading for when I needed a break. Instead what ended up happening is I devoured it in the brief periods of consciousness while I was sick with a sinus infection the other weekend. (And man did that sinus infection kick my ass!)

Divergent plays with the dystopian theme that's been going around teen literature lately and it does it in both an interesting and engaging way. It's kind of like Hunger Games meets Harry Potter (but no magic). Basically the world has divided itself into five "factions" based on character traits their members aspire to embody. Individuals are supposed to somewhat neatly fit into one of the five factions, but humans being humans that's not really the case. At the age of sixteen, everyone is subject to a test that helps them decide what faction they should belong in (which may or may not be the faction their parents are part of) and they then choose to join one of the five factions. In Roth's world faction loyalty comes above all else, even family loyalty.

The story centres around Beatrice, or Tris, raised in the faction Abnegation, and who tests as having equal leanings towards Abnegation, Erudite and Dauntless. By testing this way Beatrice is what is known as "Divergent". She must choose to either stay with her family in Abnegation, where she has never really felt she fully embodies the ideals, or to choose one of her other aptitudes - but she must never, for fear of her life,tell anyone that she is Divergent.

There are several beautifully interwoven storylines here, such as Beatrice's struggle between the choices she makes for herself and what her family wants and the very real danger of being Divergent. There's a touching romantic storyline woven into the plot that's less trite than many teen storylines. This is the first book in a planned trilogy, so of course the plot doesn't completely tie up at the end but everything is fast paced and Roth's writing is engaging.

What I find so interesting about these dystopian novels is how they dissect the human condition and really force the reader to think about what it is that makes us human, allowing equal weight to our good qualities and our bad.

Next up: Salman Rushdie's Joseph Anton, a Memoir. Twenty four pages in and I'm already captivated.