attitude is everything

Attitude is a choice.

(Usually. We will leave the exception of depression/anxiety outside of this for now - although there is choice involved in those too. The choice to get help/not to get help. There is always choice.)

It's the choice of thinking that things will work out in the end, and working towards that. It is the choice to wake up every morning and put something of yourself out there into the world, to work towards what we want, to puruse or to leave those things which inspire us.

It's actually a million little choices: to get up and begin the day, to present our best self, to try hard and not be afraid to fail. These are just some of the choices we make in our day, whether conscious or unconscious.

It's the choice to take news that you didn't want and look at it in a different light.

Two days ago I got a call from a recruiter I've been working with. This opening has come up, did she want her to submit my name & resume? Yes, yes I did.

Well, they didn't choose me. Which sucks. In fact, it stinks because this was an opportunity I think I would have been really good at.

That's ok, though. Here's the thing: I didn't get the job. I did get a lot of great information.

I learned:

• I made a good impression on my recruiter. We only met last week and she doesn't have my competency tests back and she's already trying to place me
• I have a resume that she's not afraid to hand out to high powered clients

Those two things would be enough, in and of themselves. But here's the deal: I don't expect to hear back on every resume. But now I have someone else on my side, getting my resume seen more.

When I worked in sales, and fundraising, and telemarketing there was one constant: the people who made the most commissions/exceeded their goals/were the best, they were the people who weren't afraid to try. They weren't afraid to put themselves out there and hear "no" in response, and they weren't afraid to ask again, or to ask why. It's not that they tried more or harder (although they probably did): but more than anything, the people who succeed are the people who aren't afraid to take risks. Who aren't afraid to get an answer they don't want.

It's easy to be negative and to say things won't work out.

But you know what? It'll work out. What I have in front of me are a million different opportunities. And I'm looking forward to seeing which ones open up for me and make me happy.

That job that I didn't get? It's ok. Because the information I gained and the confidence that information gave me is way more important than that. It was one opportunity that didn't work out - and there are going to be lots of opportunities that don't work.

Until there's one that does. It might take awhile to find, and I might have to try on a few more not-quite-right-for-me options. And that is ok.

tick tock tick

Today.

Today is full of hope.
So much that today it's painful.

Today is lunch with my mother, at a favourite Chinese restaurant.
Today is appreciating the fact that I can have a decent relationship with my mother. That I had a lovely time.

Today is wearing an outfit I love.
Today is being sneakily subversive: leather skirt, pencil cut.
Today is layering and colours that contrast and look lovely.
Today is putting on old favourite boots and realizing my ankles are getting skinny. Who knew that could happen?

Today is waiting.
Today is counting down the minutes, waiting for the phone to ring.
Today is hoping that I hear the answer I want on the other end.

Today is grocery lists, and shopping.
Today is waiting for Bunny to come home. To cuddle.

Today, today is waiting, and hoping so hard I don't know how to explain.

for aidan: curried lentils

A good friend of mine recently was asked to go on a gluten & sugar free diet, and has requested some recipes. This is a recipe that I have not yet perfected, but have enjoyed thus far and that I think she will like.

I made this last weekend, and I have to say it was one of the hits last week. It might even taste better as leftovers, really. Bunny and I enjoyed this as lunch the next day, and I've had it as lunch twice this week so far ... warmed up and stuffed into a lovely pita. It was sooo good.

As with most of my recipes, this one is infinitely adaptable. To get at this, I looked at a lentil & sweet potato recipe on Smitten Kitchen, a curried lentils recipe on Epicurious and some lentil tips on The Kitchn then decided what I liked from each, looked at what was in my cupboard, and smooshed them all together in 1 recipe.

Ingredients

• 1.5 cups dried lentils (I like green or brown, but I mean they're lentils - if you like red, go red)
• With legumes, it is always a good idea to pick through them and make sure that there's no junk in there.
• 4 cups liquid
• I used chicken broth, use what floats your boat. Veg stock, apple juice etc
• You may need a little extra - use your own judgment
• 1-2 onions, diced
• 1-2 peppers, roughly chopped (I used green, but would go red or yellow next time)
• 3-5 medium carrots, chopped
• 1-2 garlic cloves, minced
• 1.5 cups frozen peas and/or corn
• Spices:
• 1.5 tsp garam masala
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1/2 tsp tumeric
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
• Note: feel free to replace with curry powder, or whatever Indian spices you like best
• Salt, to taste
• 2-4 tbsp oil (I used olive)

Directions

1. In medium to large dutch oven or soup pot, heat 1-2 tbsp oil. When hot, add onions & garlic to pan, saute until onion is translucent or about 5 minutes. Add carrot & peppers to pan, saute a further 5 minutes. Add spices (except salt), stir to coat all veg equally.
2. Add lentils & liquid to pan, bring to a boil while stirring frequently. When water boils, reduce to simmer, partially cover, and let simmer for 40 minutes, checking in & stirring occasionally. (Note: at this point, if you notice that all the liquid boils out add a little bit more, but you shouldn't need to).
3. After 40 minutes, add frozen peas, stir through lentil mixture until equally distributed. Cook another 5 minutes.
4. At this point, taste test. This is the point to add salt, if necessary. This is done when lentils are tender.

Serving Suggestions:

• These are great on a bed of basmati (or other) rice
• Amazing with pita or naan bread
• Serve as a side dish to another main (but easily serve as a meal)
• Bunny thinks it would be great with blackened fish

Notes:

• Make extra, because the leftovers are fantastical
• Again, infinitely customizable. Things I might do in the future:
• Add celery, parsnips or potato
• Adjust the seasoning (Bunny would prefer a little more cayenne, I like my food with just a hint of a kick)
• Make this into a true curry: add some yogurt to give it a real creaminess
• Tomato: I would never add it, but I bet it'd be great in this dish for tomato-lovers
• Adjust quantities: bulk up the veggies, man!

menu planning & leftover recipes

When Bunny went back to school, the biggest expense that we both knew we needed to cut was our grocery budget. We used to go to the store with only a vague idea what we were eating throughout the week, and we'd wing it - buying whatever looked best, or sounded yummiest or set off my imagination. Our shopping habits have since changed: now I make a meal plan and a grocery list before we head out, we try to incorporate things that are already in our pantry or fridge into the meals, and I've put an emphasis of trying to learn how to cook more with legumes and grains (beautiful barley dishes, or curried lentils have been amazing choices lately).

These changes (weekly menus, set grocery lists) have turned out to have big benefits, in several ways. Our trips to the grocery store are more organized, and the number at the register tends to be much more reasonable. Usually we're under budget. The contents of our shopping cart shock me: mostly produce, and fresh ingredients. Sure, a bag of flower or sugar gets tossed in, or snack bars, but the bulk of our purchases are eggs, milk, and vegetables, or bulk grains. We've cut waaaay back on processed food. Now, this is partly because I bake so much, but it's become very unusual for super processed foods to grace our plates. Even better, there is no stress about what's for dinner? because (unless we've decided we're lazy and would like to opt in to frozen pizza) it's easy done.

So how do you plan an effective menu? Here are a few tips:

• Be realistic. If a recipe is outside of your comfort zone (cooking wise), save it for a night that you have time. Don't put too many ambitious items in a given day or week - you'll go crazy.
• Use what you have. Take inventory of your pantry & try incorporate what you already have in your plan. Use up leftover produce from the other week. Already have 3 kinds of rice? Maybe you don't need a fourth. If you have shelves of food that never get touched, find a recipe to use them in.
• Planned leftovers. There are two ways to do this.
• Leftover as a meal. If you made a great roast, there's no reason that you can't have that for dinner twice in the week. Or freeze meals and have them next week.
• Leftovers as a portion of a meal. Reincorporate the leftover meat, or plan to make extra rice/pasta/veggies to use in another dish. From my childhood: a roast beef inevitably meant that we would have shepherd's pie later in the week. Roast a whole chicken? Plan on making soup or chicken salad or pot pie.
• Don't be afraid to try something new. Try a new vegetable, or a new way of preparing an old favourite every now an again. Variety is the spice of life. (See the first tip, though, for a warning)

So with that in mind, I'm also going to give you an amazingly easy leftover recipe to play with.

What's-In-The-Fridge Fried Rice

Ingredients:

• Rice, cooked - 11/2 cups
• Eggs - 2-3 large, lightly beaten
• Vegetables - approximately 2 cups roughly chopped or small sized mixed vegetables of choice
• Onion - 1 medium, diced
• Garlic cloves - 2 minced
• 1/4 cup low flavour oil (I used peanut and canola)
• 2-4 tbsp soy sauce
• 2-4 tbsp sesame oil
• Protein, cooked - approximately one cup, roughly chopped.

Ingredient side note:
For the vegetables, I used 1 cup frozen peas plus 1 can corn. If I'd had leftovers from another meal I would have used them.
Rice? Basmati leftover from curry earlier in the week.
Protein? I chopped up some leftover pork roast.

Directions:

1. Heat 1/4 cup oil is large saute pan. When hot, add onions & garlic; saute until onions are translucent. Add vegetables, saute until warm, about 3-5 minutes. Remove from pan, set aside in medium bowl for later.
2. Add meat to pan. Saute until warmed through. (Note: if you want to use raw meat, simply cut into small portions and cook it through. It'll work). Remove from pan, set aside in same bowl.
3. Add eggs to pan. Scrambled, stirring constantly. Cook until solid but still slightly moist. Break into small pieces. Remove from pan, set aside. (I left these in a separate bowl, but it's unnecessary.)
4. Ensure enough oil is in pan to just barely cover bottom (if not, add a little more). Add cooked rice to pan, stir to ensure each grain is coated with oil. Spread into even layer on bottom of pan. Every few minutes stir and flip the rice, and respread. You should notice the rice picking up colour, and as you continue cooking you may notice that you have to stir more frequently to stop the rice from sticking to the pan. When the rice reaches the desired level of colour (colour means flavour), add vegetables, meat and egg. (For me, this step was approximately 5 minutes). Mix until there is a fairly even distribution of fillings in the rice.
5. Add soy sauce and sesame oil, mix the oil and sauce in thoroughly. Serve.
6. Garnish, if desired with green onion.

This is just about the most adaptable dish I know. I've made it with just egg and vegetables. I've made it with beans. I've made it with fresh veggies, with frozen, with a million different protein sources. This is one of the ultimate meals for when you don't have much in your pantry, or to use up all your last little bits of leftovers.

revelation in the bathtub

The other day, I was laying down in the shower, as I do, thinking. Thinking about my body, as it happens.


You see, I have never really liked my body, as is. I have always wanted smaller thighs, a flatter belly, less jiggle to my upper arms, less pudge in my cheeks. At my highest highs, I felt this way. At the smallest I've ever been in my adult life (lasted all of 2 months in my first year university), I felt this way. I would lay in the bathtub looking at myself, or stand sideways in front of a mirror, sucking in my stomach thinking: if only I were that size, I'd be happier with my body. It's still too big, but that size would be better.

To say that most weight loss in my life hasn't been healthy would be an understatement. I starved myself for a year spanning the end of high school and the begining of university. Or I've lost weight because I've been so damn dizzy and nauseous that I couldn't eat. Even now, if I'm being honest, a large part of my weight loss has been illness-related, though I've also wised up about portion control and balancing meals.

The difference: at my smallest in first year university I looked at my body and said if only I lost 20 more pounds, I would be prettier and more lovable. if I were as small always as I am when I am sucking in my gut, I'd be closer to being thin.

Now? I suck in my gut and I think damn, that would be kind of gross if I got that small. Or, if I lost 10 pounds that would put me right into a healthier weight range for my body size (height, build, etc). Even more than that: If I strengthened my ab muscles, maybe my back would hurt less. Or, I wish that I could do more with my body. When I stop and look in a mirror I think damn, I'm looking kind of hot today. I'll take this.

Here's the thing: my body isn't perfect. At no point has it ever been perfect, nor will it ever be perfect. And that's ok. Do I like enjoying how my body looks? Sure. But being thinner has not magically fixed all the problems in my body: it doesn't stop me from having dark, noticeable arm hair, it doesn't stop the strange shape my belly takes where it looks like I have rolls, even when I'm smaller, it doesn't change the fact that my thighs still rub together or that I don't like my fingers.

Boo fucking hoo.

So what I think I have fat, fugly fingers? They dance across a keyboard quite easily, and I are the biggest part in making my beautiful needlepoint projects. One looks beautiful in my engagement ring.

Those thighs? Help me walk. Look damn hot in demin. Hold my weight.

My belly? Indentations and funny rolls are far less concerning than the nausea that has been plaguing me for months.

Those are just the things that I dislike about my body. That's not speaking about how much I love my ass*, or enjoying my collarbones. I've reached the point where, yes, I still want and need my body to be aesthetically pleasing. Yes, I think it can be pleasing even with flaws.

More importantly, though? I want a body that works. Something that performs what I ask of it. That helps me go where I want to go, physically and mentally. That makes me happy.


*Note: Bunny will (I'm sure) want me to note that that's actually his ass.

weekend roundup

It would be fair if one were to say I spent most of my weekend baking or cooking in some manner. I'm not going to deluge you with recipes though. I didn't do anything earth shattering or ground breaking, despite Bunny's reactions. I stayed fairly close to easily set standards or recipes. But in case anyone is wondering what deliciousness I was up to:

Curried lentils that were even better for lunch yesterday than they were for dinner Saturday night. Leftover rice (so I can make fried rice tonight) abounds. These lentils? Seriously fantastic and I intend to eat many of them in the future, especially thinking that they make good lunches. I could eat these with a nice pita every day for weeks on end, and they're very filling. The version I made was pretty basic. It was inspired by a recipe on Smitten Kitchen, but other than lentils and curry seasonings they're completely a different beast.

Also from Smitten Kitchen was a Pear and Almond Tart. Ingredient for ingredient, word for word really. Well except for the addition of some vanilla and nutmeg, but that's quibbles. Bunny got quite adorably excited for this one, as apparently pear tarts are a favourite of his. Who knew?

Sunday dinner was fairly standard here. Lovely roasted pork, with a cinnamon crust and a touch of champers in the pan for moisture. That one came out glorious, to be honest. Along with that we had mashed potatoes, snap peas and a beautiful champagne & potato water gravy. Again, that pork is destined to go into a fried rice tonight.

What's crazy right now is thinking of how many new recipes I've done in the past week. I usually cook or bake every day, but new recipes have always tended towards once every week or two. Being home all the time, though, really changes things up. I can devote a couple of hours of energy to dinner. It is really so satisfying to be able to enjoy that.

Today is time for me to take another look at what's in the pantry and fridge and start thinking about what I'm making the rest of the week. I think it's time to do another fresh pasta dish again. Maybe a real fettucine alfredo? I'm not sure. There's also a bag of cornmeal in my cupboard - perhaps it's time for tackling polenta? I've got that lovely container of pearl barley that I think would go lovely as a bed for some braised beef. I'm pretty sure there's been a request for my mac and cheese as well .... maybe I'll mix some peas in? We'll see.

It's also time to take stock of what staples are missing. I threw out the last bit of ginger root the other night, so I should pick some of that up. I think I might even need garlic again as well. I'm starting to need flour again.

And now? Now I'm sitting down, having a latte and a puppy snuggling into my feet. Resumes to go out today, promises of vacuuming to be completed.

you've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone

"A man has dreams of walking with giants
To carve his niche in the edifice of time
You've got to grind, grind, grind
At that grindstone
Though child'ood slips like sand through a sieve
And all too soon they've up grown
And then they've flown
And it's too late for you to give
Just that spoonful of sugar
To 'elp the medicine go down
The medicine go down, the medicine go down"
- A Man Has Dreams (highly abridged) from Mary Poppins

When I was little, Mary Poppins came out of the Disney Vault and was released on VHS (that was how we watched our movies). This was, in my family, a huge deal: it was my Nanna's favourite movie and she'd never been able to actually own it.

This movie takes me back to their cottage, with the huge open concept kitchen/living room/dining room from way back before open concept was cool. I heard stories of how they built the cottage, after tearing down the old one, on land that had been in our family for oh, six generations at least. Currently my aunt and uncle own it, although if I were ever in the position of owning a vacation home I'd buy it. My Poppa's brother and sister also each owned a cottage (or in at least one case, a virtual mansion) on the side of the same lake.

Today, Mary Poppins was playing on Bravo, so I figured what the hey, nothing better is on so I'll watch that. I didn't realize I had such strong memories associated with it.

This movie brings me back to vividly to bridge at the dining room table, roaring fires, concrete stairs leading to a pebble beach and the most massive boulder. Weekends spent building decks (front and back), seeing the house from a little aluminium boat on the lake. It reminds me of fish fry breakfasts, eggs cooked in bacon grease, and more family just down the road.  Falling asleep to sound of water.

And that song, that song exemplifies why Bunny quit the fancy design job last summer to go be a mechanic. That's not how we want to live our lives: there will be no grind, grind, grinding at that grindstone to the detriment of our family life. Because childhood does so quickly slip away and it's such a magical time. We are quite decided that we want to spend that time on our own lives.

A job is a great thing. A career that is intellectually stimulating, socially engaging and satisfying in and of itself is a wonderful thing. To me, at least, a career does not make a life. A career is what allows for the rest of it.

Giving our future children memories like those. Different movies, I'm sure, but one day, I hope that my children and grandchildren put Stardust or Contact on as adults and are overcome by memories of their family and their childhood that make a little part of them ache with longing to go back (in the best way).