chocolate marbled cheesecake

Cheesecake and I have a rather odd relationship. At one point, I was quite vocal about the fact that I (gasp) didn't like cheesecake. A lot of this comes back to my squicky feeling about creamy white foodlike substances. You can't pay me to get near mayonaisse or sour cream, I'm not a fan of yogurt and for years I wouldn't even come near cream cheese. Over the years, spinach dip made me change my mind a little bit about the cream cheese but I still won't go near the others. I still won't eat cream cheese on a bagel, but over the past few years I have discovered that it has another good use: cheesecake.

If I'm being honest, I still don't like most cheesecakes. I don't like the commercial ones, I don't like the big, tall fluffy ones that run rampant in many restaurants. My tastes are very defined: if I'm going to have a cheesecake it will be a dense, rich slightly tangy cake with a lovely crust. And just for fun, I'm going to make sure that I incorporate some sort of chocolate into them. Otherwise I just really can't be bothered.

My cheesecakes tend to be simple, with just cream cheese, sugar, eggs, vanilla some chocolate and a crust. No extras. No heavy canned cherry toppings. Just simple. I also break one of the biggest cheesecake rules and sometimes use tubs of cream cheese instead of blocks. Honestly? This has never turned into a problem and I still get the same dense, moist deliciousness. This one is everything I need it to be be. It was a bit of an experiment though: more cream cheese, more egg and different baking instructions than usual. I tend to go with a slow, even bake, which tends to come out perfectly even without a water bath. This time I decided to try to a recipe that had a high/low baking instruction which gave a deliciously creamy texture, but skipping the waterbath resulted in some large cracks across the top of the cake.

The perfection in the looks, though? Not necessary. This was pure delight.

Marbled Chocolate Cheesecake
adapted from food.com

Ingredients:

Crust:

• 1 cup chocolate crumbs (or, if you're feeling decadent, crushed oreos)
• 1/4 cup buttter

Filling:

• 600 grams plain cream cheese (this worked out to 1 1/2 large tubs for me)
• 3 eggs
• 3/4 cups white sugar
• 1 tablespoon vanilla
• 1/2 cup semi sweet or dark chocolate chips or wafers

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350*.
2. Make the crust. Melt the butter, either over low heat or just put it in the microwave for about a minute. In a medium bowl, pour the butter over the chocolate crumbs. Combine with a fork until everything is evenly moistened.
3. Spread the crust over the bottom of a 8 or 9 inch spring form pan. Press down and ensure the crust is even across the bottom.
4. Bake the crust for ten minutes. When you remove it from the oven, bring the heat up to 450* F.
5. In a large bowl, combine the softened cream cheese with the sugar. Using an electric mixer, beat until smooth. You can also easily do this with a wooden spoon, I just didn't.
6. Add the eggs one at a time, and beat again until each is fully incorporated. Incorporate the vanilla in along with the last egg.
7. Pour three quarters of your filling into the springform pan over the crust. Set the rest aside for a few minutes.
8. In a double boiler, melt the chocolate. Once melted, pour the chocolate into the remaining cream cheese filling. Beat until the filling and chocolate are well mixed.
9. Pour the chocolate filling over the rest of the cheesecake. Take a knife and run it in swirls through the batter, so that you'll have lovely marbled swirls going through the whole thing.
10. Transfer to the oven, bake for 10 minutes.
11. Reduce the heat to 325* F and bake for a further 20-25 minutes, until the centre is wobbly and not quite set. This will cook through once you remove the cake and let it rest.
12. Let the cake cool for about 10 minutes, then run a knife around the outside edge of the pan and release the springform. Let cool completely, then cut into wedges and serve.

unquiet

My first ultrasound involved sticking a wand up my yoo-hoo a few days after things started to go badly to confirm that no, I was not pregnant anymore and no, I did not need my insides scraped out (thank goodness). Because I miscarried just before I would have had a normal first ultrasound, I never saw a tiny blob of baby on a screen and I never found out what my due date would have been.

From talking to the midwife's office it would have been March. From doing some basic math the answer is right now, this week. I'm trying not to think on it too much but I'm confuddled. I feel cloudy and foggy and I can't quite pin down what's wrong but I think it's this.

Soon after I lost my baby people started coming out of the woodwork to announce their pregnancies. I've got about three friends and acquaintances who are having babies this week, another half a dozen who are having them this month - and that's just the people I know in real life.

Really, I'm happy for them. I am. But thinking about them is really uncomfortable. I just feel off. I'm glad that none of them are close enough to be visiting those little bundles of perfect little babies with those heartbreakingly tiny fingers and toes. I hope everything goes well for them, and I hope for healthy happy little babies ... but I don't want them anywhere near me right now.

Subjectively it's been quite a bit of time since I've been truly bothered and hurt by everything. But this week has been rough, and even though I had intellectually known to be prepared for thatI wasn't quite prepared for it.

project roundup: mild apathy

The past week or two have not been very productive for me. Only little bits of cooking and baking here and there, and very little has been accomplished project wise. A little bit of project ADD has me perhaps trying to teach myself how to crochet, because clearly I need a new project skill and I need to further divide my time. Right? Although at least with crochet that's something I can do during downtime at work and I'm not in any way intending it to be a "home" type project.

The past two or three days though, things have started to get done. I've gotten started on the binding of the baby quilt. This is the tedious bit, I've decided. Sewing the binding on the front is easy enough, but the back with all the slip stitch that's required? Not only is it tedious but it rather scares me to death. I'm afraid of mucking it up entirely, by which I mean doing a crummy job and having all the binding come off in the wash. Because of that I think the binding is going to be the most time consuming bit, although I may find that next time it's the bit where I give in and borrow a sewing machine.

I've also finally gotten started on more of my Scrappy Trip blocks, and now that I'm going again there I'm just zipping along. I'm about halfway done block eight which puts me at about halfway done piecing the blocks. This is the sort of relaxing slow sewing I like; it's easy to sit down with some strips and watch the Walking Dead while I sew. Even the cutting/trimming has been fairly easy as I'm using a jelly roll for the fabric, though I often find I need to trim the sides up.

Catching a case of the project blahs really sucks, but I'm glad I'm working my way out of them. Getting things done and getting productive makes things start to look up. I'm feeling more myself when I'm getting some stuff accomplished, even if it's just in bits and pieces here and there. Plus, starting on the last bit of that baby quilt has me excited. Woo!

caramelized onion and mushroom casserole with broccoli

Whenever I make a pasta casserole, I always think this one will be different. That this one will be the new and exciting one that's the casserole to stake my life on. Which is almost never true. That would be my mac and cheese, or the broccoli and cauliflower gratin that dinner guests request from me years later. This casserole is right in the middle. It's not something that I'd set out for Sunday dinner or as the main course when I'm having friends over ... but as a side dish or a weekday meal? This is pretty darn lovely.

My basic pasta casserole, filled with whatever's easy and in the fridge, never end up being life changing. It's pretty formulaic: pasta, vegetable, bechemel based sauce, sometimes meat if I have some on hand. Variations of this can be done simply, with frozen vegetables. It can be done somewhat easily, with just some broccoli thrown in. It's all very basic. This one, though, it has a little something special going for it.

There's a bit of a time commitment here, caramelizing the onions and sauteing the mushrooms. It's worth every second though as that's what makes this casserole just oh so good. It adds more body and depth ... so much that you could (if you were so inclined) skip the broccoli altogether and just double (or triple) mushrooms and onions. It would probably be pretty decadent.

I was also a bit crazy and tried to do everything all at once. Give yourself a break and make things in stages. It will really, really help your sanity. Then? Enjoy how deliciously lovely this is.

Oh? This will comfortably serve four for dinner as a main ... but you'll probably wish there were some leftovers.

Caramelized Onion and Mushroom Casserole with Broccoli

Ingredients:

For the casserole filling

• 4 cups dry, medium pasta
• 2 cups broccoli florets
• 3 medium white or yellow onions, chopped
• 3 cups cremini mushrooms, halved
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup grated parmesan

For the sauce:

• 3 tablespoons butter
• 3 tablespoons flour
• 3 cups milk
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp white pepper
• 1/2 tsp oregano
• 1/2 cup shredded old cheddar (optional)

Directions

1. Preheat your oven to 350*F.
2. Make the caramelized onions and mushroom mixture.
1. In a medium sized skillet over on medium high heat, heat the olive oil until sizzling. Add the onions to the skillet. Lightly salt to taste (about 1/2 tsp if you're me.) 
2. Cook until caramelized, stirring frequently. This is going to take about fifteen to twenty minutes as the onions first go translucent, then brown, then start to get really fragrant and brown. Bits of onion will be starting to stick to the pan at the end. Add butter to the onions and allow to melt.
3. Add mushrooms to the pan, and stir. Cook the mushrooms together with the onions another five minutes, or until the mushrooms have shrunk by about half. Cooking the mushrooms in the onions allows the onions to continue to deepen their flavour without cooking too intensely, and lets the mushrooms pick up some of the caramel-y goodness.
4. Remove from the heat and set aside for later
3. Make your sauce.
1. In a medium saucepan again over medium heat, melt butter. Add the flour, wisk together until evenly incorporated with no lumps. Cook it about 3 minutes, letting the roux bubble a bit and stirring so it doesn't burn. This cooks off the flour so your sauce won't taste floury.
2. Add the milk. Wisk vigourously to get the roux incorporated. Continue to cook, wisking occasionally, until thickened. To thicken entirely, the mixture needs to come to a light, bubbly simmer at the least. Because there's such a high milk to roux ratio (to keep the casserole nice and moist) you want this to thicken as much as it will.
3. Wisk in the salt, pepper and oregano.
4. Turn the heat down to the minimum and add in the cheddar. Wisk until completely melted into the sauce, remove from heat and set the sauce aside.
4. Make your pasta.
1. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil and cook the pasta according to package directions.
2. In the last two to three minutes of cooking throw the broccoli into the pot. This allows the broccoli to begin the cooking process so it will come out of the casserole properly cooked.
3. Drain.
5. Assemble your casserole.
1. Pour your pasta and broccoli into the casserole dish. Pour the onions and mushrooms on top, scraping the pan to make sure you get all the yummy caramelized bits.
2. Pour your sauce overtop of the casserole components.
3. Give it all a good mix, making sure there's a little bit of broccoli and a good distribution of onion and mushrooms in every bit of the pan. You can eyeball this - it's pretty obvious when you've got a good mixture of things.
4. Sprinkle the parmesan cheese overtop for just a little bit crunch.
6. Bake for 20-25 minutes. Eat. Have some seconds, because you probably will.

a healthy dose of outrage

Some things make my blood boil. And while usually it's just me throwing a temper tantrum for no reason, there are legitimate reasons in this world to be outraged. There are even some things which I think require outrage as a reaction. War crimes, human rights violations, human trafficking. Or, another word for that last one: slavery.

A survey I did here last week in response to a Liebster award asked me about artificial intelligence and how I feel about the possibility of it existing in our society in the future. This is a subject about which I have some grave ethical concerns, because we just haven't figured out as a society how to treat other people. And I kept thinking. And thinking, and thinking. At which point I realized that while I've brought the subject up before it's been awhile since I've talked about my outrage at the continued existence of slavery in our modern world.

There are a million injustices in the world over which we can get outraged. Hunger, poverty at home and abroad, animal rights, children's right, domestic abuse, mental health rights, the covering up of war crimes, unjust wars ... everyone has their own pet cause. And to get outraged at each cause just takes too much energy. We put our blinders on.

But this is the cause that I care about. This is a cause I think that everyone should get just a little bit outraged about. It's not a simple issue, and it's not easily confined to just one specific group of people. This is sex trafficking. This is kidnapping. This is migrant workers tricked and trapped into forced labour. This is men, women, boys, girls. This is what I get outraged about.

We've only come so far as a society when we don't open our eyes and see that yes, this still happens. Slavery may be against the law in Western society, but it still happens. This is one of our most basic, fundamental human rights and there are too many people in the world that have that right torn away from them.

There's only so much that I can do to fix things, but at the least I can use my voice. People are not property. You cannot own another human being. Full stop.

I can't give you all the facts, but I can give you a couple of resources to start with.

Not for Sale
Anti-Slavery

the shower date

One of my favourite things ever is taking a shower together with Bunny. Early in the relationship, we would do it infrequently in an attempt to be all sexy like, with all the implied awkwardness. When we moved in together, we started to do it more frequently, and the reasons started to change. Sure, showering together is sexy but more importantly it's intimate. You're all wet and naked and touching each other in this confined space and need to work your way carefully around each other and learn how to compromise and share the water spray.

When we moved in with my mom we upped the ante again. My in laws, apparently, take every single shower together and I've started to figure out why. When you share your living space, every moment you get with just the two of you is precious, and it's pretty hard to intrude on someone's shower time. Plus showering together just leads to a different kind of time. You have to pay attention to each other.

For Bunny and I, the shower has become a natural place to have casual conversations about big topics. Like whether or not me getting my hair cut is considered a fun money expense or deserves a budget catagory of its own, and where monies for vacations come from. Or we talk about dreams for the future, how we're feeling about my continued state of not being pregnant, or whatever. It's not that we expect to come up with the conclusions to the questions, but having discussions about weighty topics in the shower lets us work out our feeling very freely. It's easy to be vulnerable when you're already naked and wet (and in my case nearly blind) and all out there physically. There's nothing to hide behind.

This morning over coffee we were laughing and talking about last night's shower, and I told Bunny that showering together was like having a little mini date. We're having deep conversations, with the chance of getting lucky at the end. And if I could only have one or the other, I'd much rather have our showers together than have proper dates.

What are the little ways you encourage intimacy in your relationship?

brain vacation

Evidently, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. After a week spent browsing the MLS listings, I've gone down another track and have been looking at travel sites. Not serious travel, the cultural places that I absolutely must go before I die. Pure vacation and relaxation travel: the sort that has me spending a week on a white sand beach in the sun and coming back with a temporary change in skin tone.

Right now my brain is in St Maarten after I found a resort chain there that just sounds delicious. I've made up a few details in my head, like the swim up bar that I wouldn't really use anyway but I'm also pretty sure doesn't exist. There are days doing nothing but floating on water and falling asleep in the sun, days spent snorkeling, kayaking and visiting tourist areas with Bunny. "Fancy" restaurants whose dress codes state shoes are required. Couples massages and merengue lessons. Visits to a local market. I may be in paradise.  Sunshine that never ends.

In my head I'm lying on a tropical beach. The sun is hot shining down own me, drawing beads of sweat out of my skin. It's lulling me almost to sleep. I have an itty bitty bikini on because if I'm in the Caribbean I'm not going to get all body conscious about enjoying myself, and I've got a big straw had and my sunglasses on. On the horizon I can barely tell the difference between ocean and sky until the sun starts to set and the skies darken. My mind is a beautiful place.

This is actually our target next vacation: tropical beachy and all inclusive. It's not how I'd want all of our vacations to be, or even many, but because my idea of "vacation" in the past has been band trips to Disney World and New Orleans (which are school vacations and only partly count, plus I managed to get terribly sick on both of them), camping, and a couple of trips to visit my grandparents while they were snowbirding in Florida more than two decades ago it seems like a start. It's been almost a decade since I've gotten on a plane and gone somewhere "out there" and I've never had that sheer relaxation vacation. It's the place I want to start.

First, I want to know what it's like to see white sand against deep blue waters, stretching out into the horizon. Even in my dream vacations budget is an issue, and tropical paradises seem strangely accessible. One day.

What's your dream vacation? What have been the best vacations you've had to date? Let me live vicariously, at least for a little while longer!