My first ultrasound involved sticking a wand up my yoo-hoo a few days after things started to go badly to confirm that no, I was not pregnant anymore and no, I did not need my insides scraped out (thank goodness). Because I miscarried just before I would have had a normal first ultrasound, I never saw a tiny blob of baby on a screen and I never found out what my due date would have been.
From talking to the midwife's office it would have been March. From doing some basic math the answer is right now, this week. I'm trying not to think on it too much but I'm confuddled. I feel cloudy and foggy and I can't quite pin down what's wrong but I think it's this.
Soon after I lost my baby people started coming out of the woodwork to announce their pregnancies. I've got about three friends and acquaintances who are having babies this week, another half a dozen who are having them this month - and that's just the people I know in real life.
Really, I'm happy for them. I am. But thinking about them is really uncomfortable. I just feel off. I'm glad that none of them are close enough to be visiting those little bundles of perfect little babies with those heartbreakingly tiny fingers and toes. I hope everything goes well for them, and I hope for healthy happy little babies ... but I don't want them anywhere near me right now.
Subjectively it's been quite a bit of time since I've been truly bothered and hurt by everything. But this week has been rough, and even though I had intellectually known to be prepared for thatI wasn't quite prepared for it.