big mess of mess

Today was good, other than the fact that I can't get the damn work situation off of my mind.

Bunny and I had a bit of a day out in the city. Luckily the weather was nice, because we spent the majority of the day out of doors, walking around Kensington Market. We picked up a couple of cheeses from Global Cheese - a nice stinky blue for him, and a creamy brie for me. So we'll be enjoying those over the weekend.

I'm surprised I don't spend more of my shopping time in Kensington, actually, because it's pretty perfect. I love the mix of what you find there. Great thrift and vintage stores, little boutiques, weird jack of all trade places (Blue Banana or whatever its called? That place is crazy nuts!), stores that are very new agey and I think I should drag my mom to (that's her thing), skateboard shops, the works. And then, if you get bored or aren't finding the deals you want, hop over a couple of streets to Chinatown.

Then, of course, there's the FOOD. Kensington is full of food. Coffee shops, restaurants, bakeries, cheese shops, chocolate shops, independent grocers with beautiful produce, fishmongers. Actually, the first time Bunny ever took me out anywhere it was to Kensington where we had the worst Pad Thai I've ever had, and I told him how freaking awesome Jose Saramago's Blindness was. (And I'd have that Pad Thai again for the nostalgia factor.) Within a couple of blocks there is Thai, Indian, Mexican, vegan - you can find almost anything food-wise in Kensington. Including, apparently a shop dedicated to grilled cheese. (Next time!!!!)

busy busy week

I didn't intend for this week to be so quiet here. The other side of that is that I didn't expect this week to be so busy for me.

I'm at the point of hitting a crossroads with work right now. I think just in a protecting myself kind of way, there isn't much I can or will say here specifics wise, or job wise. Frustration wise, it sucks when I have been coming home and bawling my eyes out in a way that I haven't done in years about work.

On the plus side, Bunny and I went to see the venue, and it was perfect. More on that later.

the art of a recipe

Have you ever seen Michael Smith's "Chef at Home"? It pretty much describes the basic philosophy of how I cook.

I'm not crazy about recipes. Oh, I mean I use them for baking, and when I'm wanting to start a new dish. When I find a perfect recipe, I also do not argue and simply accept that trying to tinker would not do anything helpful to it.

Here's the thing though. I don't really follow the recipes. I follow the guidelines within the recipes. But I'm not afraid to change them, just on the fly or as a deliberate experiment. If a recipe calls for a teaspoon of vanilla, you had better bet I use a tablespoon. A cookie dough calls for cinnamon? I'm also probably going to add some nutmeg and cardamom. Barley risotto calls for cauliflower and I don't have any and Bunny really hates it? I decide that I'd love some sauted onion and pepper barley risotto.

So that's what I made today.

I have to say, I have no clue why I haven't tried to make a risotto sooner. (It might have been the fact that I was kinda crying and begging Bunny to come give me a backrub as I continued to stir for over half an hour - the bad back part is not so friendly on my kitchen time.) Because this was just delicious. It means that I need need need to get my hands on some arborio rice and beautiful mushrooms next week so I can make a traditional risotto soon.

I also roasted some chicken thighs, at Bunny's request. (Well, really puppy eyes and exclamations that risotto in itself is not a meal.) I barely touched the chicken. This risotto was ridiculous good and I have never been so happy with myself for giving something new a try.

and the rain rain rain came down down down

So it's been a bit of a wash of a day, but that's ok.

Bunny tried to quit smoking this weekend, and has since decided that he needs a doctor's advice and better timing. The last time he successfully quit was well planned, and the not-quite-complete but very successful at cutting back smoking attempt in August had planning behind it. So we're looking at Christmas now - which I am totally cool with. I want him to quit, but I also want him to not go crazy. I think I may run away for a few days while he quits because I've had my fill of "first day of no smoking" for the year.

As for me? I woke up around 3am feeling pretty shitty, came down for some water, and spent most of the morning in the bathroom unable to pull myself away from the toilet. At about 6am I finally called it a sick day and sent an email to my boss. If I can't get away from the toilet for twenty minutes, I definitely can't make in to the office.

After a very rough morning, I eventually woke up around 12:30, hugging a (thankfully empty) lime green mixing bowl, and proceeded to have my third shower since 3am. (Showering: what I do when I'm sick. Seriously, if I am sick I am likely to spend at least half my day in the shower.) An hour later, I encountered one of the most delightful aspects of Bunny being in school.

He comes home early. Mondays are short days for him, and he was home by 1:30-2, which was very nice. Because after that I had Lipton Chicken Soup with a croissant to dip in the broth, no effort on my part.

Today has been spent entirely half passed out on the couch between increasingly infrequent bathroom trips. Drinking tea and eating Arrowroot digestive biscuits, and the occasional Five Alive.

Not the best of days, but a decent sick day. (But man, do I ever feel guilty taking a sick day, even when I am legitimately sick. No sense of modesty, over developed guilt, that's me!)

Really for the most part I've been slowly working away on my cross stitch project. It's not perfect, but I enjoy it, and it's the first time in years I have picked up a cross stitch. I have a handful more stitches to go before I can get started on the backstitching and couching, and eventually turn it into a pillow for our puppy. (It's a picture of a dog - it's too cute to make it a dog pillow!)

holy guacamole

You know how yesterday I complained that I screwed up everything I made?

What I forget, is that sometimes perfection doesn't matter. The comment I received on my lumpy gravy? "Lumps mean that you know it wasn't from a packet". And really, there were only tiny lumps and it will wasn't like I had flour chunks.

The overcooked meat? Bunny and I like our meat rare to medium rare - and I always aim to cook rare and let it rise to medium as it rests. My idea of overcooked is just perfect for a lot of people. (Except you crazies who like your beef well done. What the heck? Even when I was a vegetarian I had an issue with that!)

The stiff, lumpy potatoes? Even bad mashed potatoes are still amazing. And they'll reheat well when I make shepherd's pie later this week.

The yorkshires that stuck to the pan and had all the bottoms rip off? They were still lovely taste and texture wise, they just didn't have bottom crusts.

And oh the beets. I'm having a giant love affair with beets lately. They may be my current favourite root vegetable.

The guacomole I made (that oxidized a little)? The biggest hit ever. (In case you're wondering - it's a slight variation on Michael Smith's corn guacamole, and it's my favourite. I love how he creates recipes - many of my recipes started as his). And the fried pita wedges to eat the guac on? Those were HUGE hits.

I'd also be lying if I said I'm not crazy about my stuffed mushrooms because those were ridiculous good.


Today there's some more excitement in the kitchen, although a calm type of excitement.

I started my morning with two amazing lattes courtesy of the garage sale espresso machine (it may in fact be our most used appliance). Then Bunny made eggs and peameal and toast.

Now, I have to be honest, I am not a breakfast person. I have a very sensitive stomach, and I spend most of my morning feeling like I'm about to vomit - and eating in the first few hours I'm awake is a good way to guarantee that I will. The way my belly feels in the morning means that I am more particular than usual about what I eat. Can't handle runny egg yolks, for example.

And try though he might, Bunny is as impatient as I am about some things, and seems incapable of letting my eggs cook long enough to have a solid yolk. We've made a future agreement: egg whites only for my breakfast. It's how my mom used to do it because I'm just so damn particular. (Not my best trait).

Damn, though, that bacon was good.

The rest of the day is a low key excitement in the kitchen. I'm making cinnamon buns the lazy way - the bread machine is taking care of the dough right now.

After I toss them in the oven, Bun will be heading in there to grind up chicken and make dog food. (Seriously, this man feeds our dog fresh, home made food following the Biologically Appropriate Raw Food diet. Can you imagine how well our babies will eat one day?) When he's done that, we'll handle the last thing together.

Ravioli.

Last weekend's fresh pasta was such a success that I've gone around all week thinking about this. It was amazing in a way I can't even explain. The noodles had this lovely meaty texture, and the feeling of kneading the dough myself was just so much fun.

This week Bunny and I are going to run with it, and make either ravioli or tortellini. Some stuffed with parmesan and butternut squash, some stuffed with ricotta and spinach to freeze. I am so excited it is crazy over this project.

on small weddings

I am having a small wedding.

Before I say anything else I would like to note:

• A small wedding was my first choice
• This was not a budget based decision
• By small I don't mean 50, 60, 80 or even 100 people (all numbers I have heard described as "small")
• Bunny and I are inviting less than 30 people

So, now that I've made my sweeping statements, lets talk.

What does having a small wedding mean to me? It means that I am having only our very closest friends (the people who we would consider rescheduling the date to have them there) and immediate family (or surrogates thereof). It means that I will get to spend quality time with each of my guests, as opposed to spending my night going from guest to guest and table to table and only getting to spend 5 or 10 minutes with each person. It is important to me that I get to connect with the people I invite to be with me in a more special way.

The idea of a large wedding, even the sort of 50-80 person wedding that most people think of as small but I consider large, does not seem particularly fun to me. It doesn't feel particularly genuine to me. With the idea of a bigger wedding, in my head it just doesn't make sense to expend all sorts of effort and money to invite them to a party but not be able to spend quality time with most of my guests. That's really what this comes down to. I would rather really get to connect and enjoy my time with a smaller number of people than get a blur of a million faces but not actually have the time to catch up and take my time and enjoy. I want something so much more relaxed than what I feel like a big wedding would be.

The guest list was decided upon before Bunny and I even got engaged, and has not been influenced by a budget. Is it a guest list we can afford? Absolutely. Was it chosen based on us feeling comfortable paying for it? Not in the slightest. We have not finalized our budget yet - not the total number, nor the nitty details of how it breaks down. We know roughly what we will be paying for venues & food & alcohol with the meal, but not a total, and we haven't dealt with the details like invitations and favours and all that.

However, we have a rough range in our head. It's a couple thousand dollars either way, and all I will say is that the number is lower than 10,000. I have friends in the area with very similar budgets who are throwing weddings three and four times the size of mine. Going small has allowed me to go a little more all out on certain things - like food. The cost of dinner (including wine parents) that Bunny and I are paying is similar to what a friend is paying for a dinner for 80. Thing is, that's just not my style. Because we have a smaller guest list we are able to splurge a little more and have a meal at a high class restaurant and be personally taken care of by a 5 star chef.

Is that the reason why we chose to have a small wedding? No. But having a small wedding has allowed us to do this, which we are happy to. If we couldn't do the fancy dinner we would be ok with that - but it is a nice bonus that the guest list we want has allowed us to have it.

One thing a lot of our friends can't wrap their heads around is the lack of extended family at our wedding. We are inviting parents, siblings, Bunny's niece and a cousin of mine who did a very big favour for me that allowed me to attend university. Because Bunny's family is much bigger than mine, we are also inviting my mother's two best friends  - who are somewhat surrogate parents to me. They are who I consider my mom's partners to be - she has had 1 boyfriend (who I never met) in the 13 years since she has been divorced - and I would like to honour the people who have stepped in to take over pseudo-parental roles, and also give my mom some people who are there just for her. (Plus, it helps balance an otherwise unbalanced guest list).

We are not having our grandparents, aunts and uncles, or most cousins. These are the people who, for our friends, make up the bulk of their wedding guest lists. For Bunny and I, it doesn't make sense. He sees his extended family at a picnic in the summer, and at a New Years Brunch (on his mom's side), and while he sees more of his father's (smaller) side of the family, they are not close. They don't just pick up the phone and say "hey what's up". He genuinely isn't concerned about whether he has them there.

As for my family? Well, I see my mom's side (grandma, aunt & the cousin we are inviting) once a year for two days at Christmas. My grandma and aunt are both schizophrenic, and would require I assign a designated "babysitter" to take care of them for the wedding. What it comes down to, though, is just that we are not close. Our lives don't connect, we don't talk nor really spend significant amount of time together.

The paternal side of my family is an even messier story. My parents' divorce essentially ripped apart every single relationship I had ever had there, back when I was thirteen. Since then, I have seen my grandparents and most of my aunts, uncles and cousins less than a dozen times. Every conversation I have had with my Nanna since then has ended with her going out of her way to make me feel like a bad person. She refuses to respect the fact that I am an adult capable of making my own decisions, and thinks I am a terrible person for asserting my right to have people who have proven themselves to be a real, physical danger to me out of my life.

Not exactly people you want celebrating the biggest day of your life with you.

The people we want to celebrate are the closest people in our lives. The people who aer there for us through the difficult moments, and who love us no matter what. They are the people who put smiles on our faces when we hear their names, who we love the most.

Are we splurging on our small wedding? Yes. But that's ok. We are having the wedding we want.

disappointing day in the kitchen

How is it that when the only people I am feeding are Bunny and myself, I can always turn out perfect everything, and as soon as we have a guest over it all goes to shit?

I overcooked the roast (just by 5* or so, not the end of the world), the gravy had lumps, I was impatient with the potatoes and the yorkshires stuck to the muffin tin.

For me to have one of those problems is unusual.  All three, unheard of. It's always when I'm trying to impress people, of course.

I am though looking forward to the guacamole in the fridge, and the pita chips I'm going to throw in the deep fryer to go with them.

I was also very happy with my stuffed mushrooms. That has to count for something, right?