Monday, October 29, 2012

the pregnancy dream

Bunny and I (although I think mostly me) are still healing emotionally from the miscarriage. It changed us. It changed our perspectives. It affected how we feel about having children. We're very sure that we want babies though, and that we want them sooner rather than later. Right now, we're just letting go and allowing what happens to happen.

I'm coming up in a few days on what is expected to be my third period since the miscarriage. Periods are really, really hard. On the one hand it's a good signal telling us that my body, reproductively speaking, is back in working order. On the other it's a reminder that I'm not pregnant even though I was. It's also a little confusing because my cycle has come back a little differently. I used to be on a 30/31 day cycle, and would have my period on almost the same day every month. Now my cycle seems a little bit shorter, more like the standard 28 days. Honestly, that's confusing as all get out for me, because I have no idea if I should or shouldn't expect things to come a little bit earlier than it used to. When you want to be pregnant not knowing exactly when your period should come sucks.

The fact that we had our miscarriage opens up the possibility to a really big dream of mine, though. The dream pregnancy. Which isn't to say a perfect pregnancy, although it does mean a pregnancy that ends in a baby. But my dream pregnancy, well it doesn't involve just Bunny and I. It also involves the in laws. Nothing would make me happier, baby-wise, than for my sister in law and I to have babies at almost the same time. Given that I can't even control my own reproduction all that much, I know this is something that's totally out of the realm of human influence and the only thing we have going for us is that we're both trying at the same time.

This dream isn't so much built on pregnancy and timing the pregnancies together so much as a dream I have for our families. I want our babies to grow up together. Part of the reason Bunny and I live where we do, and planned to eventually move back here even before his dad died, was that this was a privilege we wanted to be able to give our future children: growing up near their extended family. Having grandmothers and aunts and uncles and cousins close at hand. It's about giving them the biggest, strongest support system and web of love possible. And you know it would be really, really cool if they could have the built in playmates and friends of cousins down the street or across town, rather than living hours away from the family.

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