sunshine

Last month the PMS hit me hard. I was stressed out, I was trying not to focus so hard on the fact that it had been a whole six months since the miscarriage, I was struggling to hit some targets at work, and then I was late. Way late.

For a solid two weeks I was a moody mess. There was a lot of crying, and while I almost always cry when I'm PMSing it's pretty predictable: I have one day where I feel like I'm going to cry for no reason whatsoever then BAM! something hits and there it goes. Instead I cried at work because I had to deal with a string of nasty people all in a two hour time period (which was humiliating, though my coworkers had expected me to freak out long before I did) and then I had a meltdown over the budget right after telling Bunny everything was going to be ok.

Once my body finally started acting normal again, it was like I could finally see the sun coming out above me in the sky. I was able to pull out of the crazy mess that was my own head and enjoy life again; I started hitting out amazing days at work that culminated in the best month I've closed at the job to date, I started answering my emails and text messages from friends the same day I reached them, and I started to get some perspective to be able to deal with more trying living situations in order to get to the big picture goals longer. I got involved in the book I was reading and when I finished that I quickly buried myself in a new one. I was able to put in time on some craft projects. The hours I was working ended up with me putting in some significant kitchen time and making some great dishes.

Life feels good, again. I feel like my best self. And I'm so very, very confused. In the midst of my messy, hormonal state we had a lot of discussions about what we want to achieve in the next couple years of our life. A money source that had dried up for the past six months reopened and looks like it's staying that way for the next while, and suddenly the financial goals seem doable in a reasonable timeframe. I took a hard look at our expenses from the past year and figured out just why our savings hadn't grown like we'd hoped (medical expenses, buying a bridesmaid dress, car maintainence, excessive thank you gift for my Mom, Christmas and getting married all took a toll on the savings) and we realized that things had turned around in our savings plan.

We've still got a lot of questions. A lot of timing to work out. A lot of being unsure over what the best thing for us is right now, and later, and how we'll get there. How much effort to put into certain things and how much to hold back. There's a balance I'm trying to come up with, and sometimes it's hard. But we're working on it.