Sometimes the moments we're proudest of are our quietest.
I've been very private about my wedding because to me, that's what it was: something intensely intimate and personal that Bunny and I did. This union that we entered into together. And we may have done it with a city hall ceremony that we had no control over, that we heard for the first time as it was being performed, with cookie cutter vows (a secular version of the same words couples have repeated to each other for generation upon generation), while we may not have had an immediate earth quake moment getting married was intimate, and vulnerable and really an intense personal transformation.
I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
We marry each other every single day, still. We will until we aren't around anymore. Every day we help create and grow this relationship.
Today is one year from a random Thursday were we stood in front of a justice of the peace and promised everything. Some things explicitly, some implicitly. And so quickly, already, a year has gone.
Showing posts with label married life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label married life. Show all posts
Friday, August 23, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
fun money
Finances have been a mixed bag lately. Bunny and I have been working hard on getting on the same page and there have been a lot of very positive improvements to out budget. I'm loosening up a little to allow some extra expenses and he's tightening up his non-allowance expenses. We're getting on the same page, even with the frustrations and the setbacks and it feels good. It's a work in progress, and there are constantly new balls to juggle.
Watching Bunny figure out his allowance money is exciting. It's opened a lot of doors for him in some ways, but at the same time keeps our budget on an even keel with expenses. He's taken off on a run with his model cars and motorcycle hobby and a lot of the money is being socked away towards that lately. He's also talking about spending some on things for his bike (which is currently more toy than transportation). Even his annual men's camping weekend will be coming out of this portion of the budget.
My fun money is a little more in flux right now. It's kind of been piling up and I don't necessarily have anything I want to spend it on. Oh, I buy quilt supplies and fabrics from it when the need arises, and I buy a book every couple of weeks. There's also my fancy coffee habit, and I buy a fancy coffee at least once a week. (It's a terrible, luxurious indulgence and I love it and feel absolutely no guilt about it.) I've got a lot of fun money left over at the end of each pay period though, and I'm at a loss as to what to do with it.
I don't want to blow it all on a fancy purse or shoes (maybe because there's nothing that excites me there?) and all the practical things I could spend it on have been very clearly pointed out to me as budget expenses, not fun money. But why would I spend money from the rest of our budget on a haircut when I have spending money?
In Toronto it would have been a lot easier to make up my mind, but I don't want to be making excuses. I need to figure this out. Is there a class I want to take? Do I want to pay for a joint vacation on my own? Go to some shows in the city? Do I want to invest in some dividend paying stocks? (That idea really interests me, to be honest. The money is just sitting there and I could use it to make more money.) It's at the point where it's a large amount of money but not a huge amount of money. It's not quite enough for any of the big ideas but it's still big enough to need some thought.
What are your favourite splurges? What special expenses do you save your pennies for?
Watching Bunny figure out his allowance money is exciting. It's opened a lot of doors for him in some ways, but at the same time keeps our budget on an even keel with expenses. He's taken off on a run with his model cars and motorcycle hobby and a lot of the money is being socked away towards that lately. He's also talking about spending some on things for his bike (which is currently more toy than transportation). Even his annual men's camping weekend will be coming out of this portion of the budget.
My fun money is a little more in flux right now. It's kind of been piling up and I don't necessarily have anything I want to spend it on. Oh, I buy quilt supplies and fabrics from it when the need arises, and I buy a book every couple of weeks. There's also my fancy coffee habit, and I buy a fancy coffee at least once a week. (It's a terrible, luxurious indulgence and I love it and feel absolutely no guilt about it.) I've got a lot of fun money left over at the end of each pay period though, and I'm at a loss as to what to do with it.
I don't want to blow it all on a fancy purse or shoes (maybe because there's nothing that excites me there?) and all the practical things I could spend it on have been very clearly pointed out to me as budget expenses, not fun money. But why would I spend money from the rest of our budget on a haircut when I have spending money?
In Toronto it would have been a lot easier to make up my mind, but I don't want to be making excuses. I need to figure this out. Is there a class I want to take? Do I want to pay for a joint vacation on my own? Go to some shows in the city? Do I want to invest in some dividend paying stocks? (That idea really interests me, to be honest. The money is just sitting there and I could use it to make more money.) It's at the point where it's a large amount of money but not a huge amount of money. It's not quite enough for any of the big ideas but it's still big enough to need some thought.
What are your favourite splurges? What special expenses do you save your pennies for?
Monday, March 04, 2013
the shower date
One of my favourite things ever is taking a shower together with Bunny. Early in the relationship, we would do it infrequently in an attempt to be all sexy like, with all the implied awkwardness. When we moved in together, we started to do it more frequently, and the reasons started to change. Sure, showering together is sexy but more importantly it's intimate. You're all wet and naked and touching each other in this confined space and need to work your way carefully around each other and learn how to compromise and share the water spray.
When we moved in with my mom we upped the ante again. My in laws, apparently, take every single shower together and I've started to figure out why. When you share your living space, every moment you get with just the two of you is precious, and it's pretty hard to intrude on someone's shower time. Plus showering together just leads to a different kind of time. You have to pay attention to each other.
For Bunny and I, the shower has become a natural place to have casual conversations about big topics. Like whether or not me getting my hair cut is considered a fun money expense or deserves a budget catagory of its own, and where monies for vacations come from. Or we talk about dreams for the future, how we're feeling about my continued state of not being pregnant, or whatever. It's not that we expect to come up with the conclusions to the questions, but having discussions about weighty topics in the shower lets us work out our feeling very freely. It's easy to be vulnerable when you're already naked and wet (and in my case nearly blind) and all out there physically. There's nothing to hide behind.
This morning over coffee we were laughing and talking about last night's shower, and I told Bunny that showering together was like having a little mini date. We're having deep conversations, with the chance of getting lucky at the end. And if I could only have one or the other, I'd much rather have our showers together than have proper dates.
What are the little ways you encourage intimacy in your relationship?
When we moved in with my mom we upped the ante again. My in laws, apparently, take every single shower together and I've started to figure out why. When you share your living space, every moment you get with just the two of you is precious, and it's pretty hard to intrude on someone's shower time. Plus showering together just leads to a different kind of time. You have to pay attention to each other.
For Bunny and I, the shower has become a natural place to have casual conversations about big topics. Like whether or not me getting my hair cut is considered a fun money expense or deserves a budget catagory of its own, and where monies for vacations come from. Or we talk about dreams for the future, how we're feeling about my continued state of not being pregnant, or whatever. It's not that we expect to come up with the conclusions to the questions, but having discussions about weighty topics in the shower lets us work out our feeling very freely. It's easy to be vulnerable when you're already naked and wet (and in my case nearly blind) and all out there physically. There's nothing to hide behind.
This morning over coffee we were laughing and talking about last night's shower, and I told Bunny that showering together was like having a little mini date. We're having deep conversations, with the chance of getting lucky at the end. And if I could only have one or the other, I'd much rather have our showers together than have proper dates.
What are the little ways you encourage intimacy in your relationship?
Monday, January 28, 2013
rings and things
My wedding set is pretty much perfect. I love wearing it, feeling the weight on my hand, being able to glance down and see a symbol of my marriage, knowing that it's a fairly obvious statement to people who are looking that "hey, I'm married". That symbolism isn't everyone's cup of tea but I like it. I also like that it's a set that's designed to work together, although the shape does really take away the option of wearing just the wedding band.
What I haven't been loving lately is the fact that it doesn't fit. When Bunny purchased the ring I was about half way through a somewhat major weight loss and my ring size was an 8. In the year and a half since he bought the ring, my weight has fluctuated downwards more and even though I still have short, chubby fingers (that bit's never going to change) the sizing just didn't work.
Over the summer I accidentally flung the rings from my finger when I was dealing with an overflowing bottle of root beer, which led to a somewhat panicked hour long search around the basement. A couple of months ago while drying my hands I accidentally tossed them in the bathroom garbage at work (getting them out was fun - can you hear that sarcasm?).
So at the start of the new year we trudged into his sister's jewellery store, where we got the rings, and sent them away for sizing. When I get them back I'll actually have rings that fit which is going to be a great improvement but in the meantime I feel a little lost.
Without anything there I feel absolutely naked and I don't feel ok leaving the house. I'm a fan of wearing my rings. It bothers me to an extent that it was clear I'd have to wear a placeholder ring for awhile, and I'm lucky enough to have a few choices. A little cute gold ring with a tiny diamond chip my grandma gave me when I was thirteen, a little band with some small channel set diamonds as a grad gift from my mom years back that looks like a downsized wedding band, and two hand me down rings from my mom, both pearl. The first rings look and feel out of place and they look awkward on my ring finger so it was an easy choice to narrow it down to the pearls. Somehow my short fingers need a bit of oomph that the flatter bands just don't provide.
Thus, the last few weeks I've been walking around with a pearl solitaire on my hand. It's odd because it's so clearly not my engagement ring, although it does the job of making me feel not naked. I can't wait to get my rings back.
If you're married or engaged how do you feel about wearing your rings? Are they an extentsion of your hand, or do you ever go out without them?
What I haven't been loving lately is the fact that it doesn't fit. When Bunny purchased the ring I was about half way through a somewhat major weight loss and my ring size was an 8. In the year and a half since he bought the ring, my weight has fluctuated downwards more and even though I still have short, chubby fingers (that bit's never going to change) the sizing just didn't work.
Over the summer I accidentally flung the rings from my finger when I was dealing with an overflowing bottle of root beer, which led to a somewhat panicked hour long search around the basement. A couple of months ago while drying my hands I accidentally tossed them in the bathroom garbage at work (getting them out was fun - can you hear that sarcasm?).
So at the start of the new year we trudged into his sister's jewellery store, where we got the rings, and sent them away for sizing. When I get them back I'll actually have rings that fit which is going to be a great improvement but in the meantime I feel a little lost.
Without anything there I feel absolutely naked and I don't feel ok leaving the house. I'm a fan of wearing my rings. It bothers me to an extent that it was clear I'd have to wear a placeholder ring for awhile, and I'm lucky enough to have a few choices. A little cute gold ring with a tiny diamond chip my grandma gave me when I was thirteen, a little band with some small channel set diamonds as a grad gift from my mom years back that looks like a downsized wedding band, and two hand me down rings from my mom, both pearl. The first rings look and feel out of place and they look awkward on my ring finger so it was an easy choice to narrow it down to the pearls. Somehow my short fingers need a bit of oomph that the flatter bands just don't provide.
Thus, the last few weeks I've been walking around with a pearl solitaire on my hand. It's odd because it's so clearly not my engagement ring, although it does the job of making me feel not naked. I can't wait to get my rings back.
If you're married or engaged how do you feel about wearing your rings? Are they an extentsion of your hand, or do you ever go out without them?
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
constructing a married budget
I've started making some progress on this whole "budget" thing Bunny and I have been working on. Well really it's my show, I'm the dedicated money manager in the household. (Bunny's the dedicated dog walker - somehow I think I get the better deal.) So forward motion.
We finally have a picture of how we spend our money in a given month. Our expenses are fairly low, other than the truck and loan payments. We're spending more on wants than we probably should be but it's manageable and we both agree that right now as long as we are saving strong we need a bigger wants budget to help emotionally deal with living with my mom. Sometimes for us a dinner out is a necessity because it lets us spend some quality time away from everyone else in a way that we can't do at home.
Now we're on to the points of negotiation and compromise. We're trying to decide what expenses need their own budget and what expenses need to come out of just our allowances. Clothes, for example, are a tricky one. I've always bought clothes either out of my fun money or, very occasionally, my savings. But is it fair to either Bunny or I to spend our allowance on clothes for work? Or a winter jacket or boots when we don't have one? So clothes get a budget, though we're trying to figure out just what that should be and what clothes that includes. (A pair of reasonably priced winter boots, perhaps. But just the first pair.) There's the fact that I think some of our expenses are not very well thought out, and we both need to figure out ways to live on less.
Then it's decisions on how much to save, how much to put towards debt repayments, which debts to pay off first. We seem to have a pretty straightforward idea: get rid of the last vestiges of credit card debt (we each have a couple hundred dollars there, but nothing crippling), make the minimums on my student loans and save hard for a house. It's deciding how far to claw back our want budget when we don't have a lot of "needs" right now. And balancing the emotional aspect of that is hard, too.
We'll actually put together our numbers later on, but so far things are looking pretty promising. Essentially we're already living on one income even with our high wants, which means that we can put aside some hefty savings every month and that Bunny's freelance is all going to be gravy. I already had a suspicion that we were doing well, but the hard confirmation of that is nice.
We finally have a picture of how we spend our money in a given month. Our expenses are fairly low, other than the truck and loan payments. We're spending more on wants than we probably should be but it's manageable and we both agree that right now as long as we are saving strong we need a bigger wants budget to help emotionally deal with living with my mom. Sometimes for us a dinner out is a necessity because it lets us spend some quality time away from everyone else in a way that we can't do at home.
Now we're on to the points of negotiation and compromise. We're trying to decide what expenses need their own budget and what expenses need to come out of just our allowances. Clothes, for example, are a tricky one. I've always bought clothes either out of my fun money or, very occasionally, my savings. But is it fair to either Bunny or I to spend our allowance on clothes for work? Or a winter jacket or boots when we don't have one? So clothes get a budget, though we're trying to figure out just what that should be and what clothes that includes. (A pair of reasonably priced winter boots, perhaps. But just the first pair.) There's the fact that I think some of our expenses are not very well thought out, and we both need to figure out ways to live on less.
Then it's decisions on how much to save, how much to put towards debt repayments, which debts to pay off first. We seem to have a pretty straightforward idea: get rid of the last vestiges of credit card debt (we each have a couple hundred dollars there, but nothing crippling), make the minimums on my student loans and save hard for a house. It's deciding how far to claw back our want budget when we don't have a lot of "needs" right now. And balancing the emotional aspect of that is hard, too.
We'll actually put together our numbers later on, but so far things are looking pretty promising. Essentially we're already living on one income even with our high wants, which means that we can put aside some hefty savings every month and that Bunny's freelance is all going to be gravy. I already had a suspicion that we were doing well, but the hard confirmation of that is nice.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
even when you have it, it feels like there's never enough
The whole married budget thing is still a little up in the air. Bunny and I both have our individual data from October, but I've yet to get a hold of his cashflow information and start combining all the information and really working on the data. I'm lazy about it. I'm also a little scared. Even without putting the data together fully with what I do know I'm sure we're doing alright. Money's a big worry for me, and it always will be.
Do we have enough? Can we afford the things we want and need? Do we have a big enough emergency fund? Are we spending too much on stupid things? Will we ever have decent retirement funds and be able to afford a house? Why was I so happy to let Bunny quit the lucrative career before we took advantage of another year or two of that salary to put towards a home? (The answer to that last question of course is for both of our sanity and our relationship, and support him in doing something that he loves as a career.)
In the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty sure October was a good month. Yes, we had to pay for the root canal and that was painful. Yes, Bunny took more than a few sick days this month. Luckily we found some significant cash, in actual bills, that we had quite literally forgotten about and were able to use towards that expense. Honestly when we can forget about a few hundred dollars and not be stressed about it? We can't be doing that badly. On top of that, we were able to pay all our bills including a couple of large and irregulars that we usually don't see, throw some extra money towards the ever decreasing debt and put some significant cash in savings. All of that, and we didn't even have any freelance hours this month. That's a big deal mostly because Bunny's freelance hours are where we're able to get the biggest payout per hour and it's money that goes straight to our long term savings funds, so it's pure gravy. On top of that I had some nice paycheque surprises myself, including an extra fifty bucks on one cheque, a sweet little performance bonus in the form of a gift card (new shoes, here I come! - or not) and the news that I'll be getting somewhat of a raise next cheque which is always a great thing.
We're doing alright. We have money in the bank. We can afford everything we want or need. We could afford to live on our own if that was our priority right now, and that's a priority that's always under review. We can afford to help my mom out with some around the house things as they come up, and we intend to. Still our financial goals feel a million miles away. Buying a house? Doing so with a big enough down payment that we have an affordable mortgage? That feels almost impossible. Going to Spain in a year or two feels more doable, but that expense would seriously cut into the house fund. Even though my student loans are ever shrinking, it still feels like I'll never get out of debt.
What's particularly ridiculous sometimes is knowing that I'm the one who likes managing the money in this relationship. I'm a little bit better at it, by both of our accounts, although Bunny's pretty good with money himself. For all that I worry, always, I love coming up with budgets and paying the bills and watching the savings go up and the debt go down. It's my thing. It's such a stressful thing.
How do you feel about managing money? Do you enjoy it? Is it stressful? A combination of both?
Do we have enough? Can we afford the things we want and need? Do we have a big enough emergency fund? Are we spending too much on stupid things? Will we ever have decent retirement funds and be able to afford a house? Why was I so happy to let Bunny quit the lucrative career before we took advantage of another year or two of that salary to put towards a home? (The answer to that last question of course is for both of our sanity and our relationship, and support him in doing something that he loves as a career.)
In the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty sure October was a good month. Yes, we had to pay for the root canal and that was painful. Yes, Bunny took more than a few sick days this month. Luckily we found some significant cash, in actual bills, that we had quite literally forgotten about and were able to use towards that expense. Honestly when we can forget about a few hundred dollars and not be stressed about it? We can't be doing that badly. On top of that, we were able to pay all our bills including a couple of large and irregulars that we usually don't see, throw some extra money towards the ever decreasing debt and put some significant cash in savings. All of that, and we didn't even have any freelance hours this month. That's a big deal mostly because Bunny's freelance hours are where we're able to get the biggest payout per hour and it's money that goes straight to our long term savings funds, so it's pure gravy. On top of that I had some nice paycheque surprises myself, including an extra fifty bucks on one cheque, a sweet little performance bonus in the form of a gift card (new shoes, here I come! - or not) and the news that I'll be getting somewhat of a raise next cheque which is always a great thing.
We're doing alright. We have money in the bank. We can afford everything we want or need. We could afford to live on our own if that was our priority right now, and that's a priority that's always under review. We can afford to help my mom out with some around the house things as they come up, and we intend to. Still our financial goals feel a million miles away. Buying a house? Doing so with a big enough down payment that we have an affordable mortgage? That feels almost impossible. Going to Spain in a year or two feels more doable, but that expense would seriously cut into the house fund. Even though my student loans are ever shrinking, it still feels like I'll never get out of debt.
What's particularly ridiculous sometimes is knowing that I'm the one who likes managing the money in this relationship. I'm a little bit better at it, by both of our accounts, although Bunny's pretty good with money himself. For all that I worry, always, I love coming up with budgets and paying the bills and watching the savings go up and the debt go down. It's my thing. It's such a stressful thing.
How do you feel about managing money? Do you enjoy it? Is it stressful? A combination of both?
Thursday, October 25, 2012
rings
Every marriage has their own little quirks and shorthands. Those little moments that only make sense to the two parties involved, but are a pretty big deal for those two. For Bunny and I one of those things has really become our wedding rings.
I'd like to put the historical symbolism of rings implying ownership, particularly in a sexist way, out of the picture. That's not what I'm talking about here, and while it may be an underlying factor it's not something that I'm focused on when I say the rings are important. The rings do symbolically bind us together, but in our marriage that's a two way street. Our rings also link us to our family and both of our families were involved in the choosing of the rings.
My mom was the person who actually found my bridal set and pointed it out as something we should consider (looking back, it has a lot of similarities in style to her engagement and wedding rings). The only aspects of my rings that are at all like what we'd discussed are the white gold and channel set diamonds. Everything else? Things we'd planned on staying away from: it's a bridal set, and the main diamond is a solitaire, and the setting is very different from what we'd wanted. But Bunny and I both adored this ring once we saw it. No brainer.
Bunny's sister also works at the biggest jewellery chain in Canada*, and is an expert in wedding jewellery. So buying both of our rings through her was a no brainer. It made us feel connected to the purchase, and we were able to completely trust her that she was trying to help us find what was right for us and not push us into a bigger purchase for commission. When Bunny bought my ring, she was the link between what my mom and I had looked at and what Bunny looked at. (She kept a list and helped him out, although he made the final selection himself). There also may have been some extra discounts which were a bonus.
I may actually love Bunny's ring more than mine. Buying that for him was exciting and empowering. We went together, unplanned, to make the purchase just because we happened to be in the mall, because his sister was working. The actual ring he selected was very different from what he'd planned: tungsten carbide instead of gold, and there's a little bit of flash and pizzazz to the design. This ring actually speaks to who he is; the mechanic in him is thrilled with the material.
Beyond that we both go crazy seeing his ring on his finger. His ring. His finger. At least once a day for the past six weeks there has been a comment of "I love my ring" (from him) or "I love seeing that ring on you" (from me). I love that he likes how it signals his commitment to me. The fact that he likes wearing it is even better. Every time I glance over to him and see that ring I get this happy, warm feeling spreading through me. It feels good.
There's also only so many times a day we can say "I'm so glad I married you." Our comments on loving the rings have become one of our relationship shorthands, where we say one thing but it means so much more than that.
* I know, buying from a chain store isn't ideal. I had concerns about conflict diamonds and such. But the family connection was a very big deal for us.
I'd like to put the historical symbolism of rings implying ownership, particularly in a sexist way, out of the picture. That's not what I'm talking about here, and while it may be an underlying factor it's not something that I'm focused on when I say the rings are important. The rings do symbolically bind us together, but in our marriage that's a two way street. Our rings also link us to our family and both of our families were involved in the choosing of the rings.
My mom was the person who actually found my bridal set and pointed it out as something we should consider (looking back, it has a lot of similarities in style to her engagement and wedding rings). The only aspects of my rings that are at all like what we'd discussed are the white gold and channel set diamonds. Everything else? Things we'd planned on staying away from: it's a bridal set, and the main diamond is a solitaire, and the setting is very different from what we'd wanted. But Bunny and I both adored this ring once we saw it. No brainer.
Bunny's sister also works at the biggest jewellery chain in Canada*, and is an expert in wedding jewellery. So buying both of our rings through her was a no brainer. It made us feel connected to the purchase, and we were able to completely trust her that she was trying to help us find what was right for us and not push us into a bigger purchase for commission. When Bunny bought my ring, she was the link between what my mom and I had looked at and what Bunny looked at. (She kept a list and helped him out, although he made the final selection himself). There also may have been some extra discounts which were a bonus.
I may actually love Bunny's ring more than mine. Buying that for him was exciting and empowering. We went together, unplanned, to make the purchase just because we happened to be in the mall, because his sister was working. The actual ring he selected was very different from what he'd planned: tungsten carbide instead of gold, and there's a little bit of flash and pizzazz to the design. This ring actually speaks to who he is; the mechanic in him is thrilled with the material.
Beyond that we both go crazy seeing his ring on his finger. His ring. His finger. At least once a day for the past six weeks there has been a comment of "I love my ring" (from him) or "I love seeing that ring on you" (from me). I love that he likes how it signals his commitment to me. The fact that he likes wearing it is even better. Every time I glance over to him and see that ring I get this happy, warm feeling spreading through me. It feels good.
There's also only so many times a day we can say "I'm so glad I married you." Our comments on loving the rings have become one of our relationship shorthands, where we say one thing but it means so much more than that.
* I know, buying from a chain store isn't ideal. I had concerns about conflict diamonds and such. But the family connection was a very big deal for us.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
the name game
A lot of women have a really difficult time deciding whether or not to change their last name after marriage. Me, not so much. I always knew that I wanted to ditch my last name because it has difficult associations for me, and for a lot of reasons it never sat right with me to do a name change to my mom's maiden name when I was single. (For starters, I can barely pronounce it. For other reasons, it would have quite literally been a nail in the coffin to any relationship with my extended paternal family which has been on rocky ground for years anyhow).
So I've always known I'd take Bunny's name. What I didn't expect was that it wouldn't entirely be easy.
Even just being able to "assume" his name by use of our marriage certificate (when we get that) doesn't make the process easy. We can't even send away for that until almost 2 months after the wedding, and then have to wait for its arrival. I still have to do a lot of paperwork, and inform various peoples. And things have to go in very specific orders that I'm still trying to work out (for example, changing the name on my SIN card, bank accounts, and at work will all affect each other for tax purposes and the ability to deposit my paychecks and so has to be done in an effective order).
I've already changed my name socially, which has been easy as pie. Update facebook, correct people when they refer to me by the maiden name or Ms. (because I am a Mrs., thank you very much). It felt weird for the longest time seeing that on facebook, and logging in to the new email address with the new last name.
The bit that's got me all turned up in knots right now? My signature. The other week I was bridesmaids dress shopping for a dear friend's wedding, and after putting the money down I needed to sign off that I was aware this was non-refundable. Well, great. Except this was the first time I had signed my name as a married woman (other than at work, where I still have to use my last name) and I froze. I got my first name out and then had this deer in headlights, what the heck do I do moment.
So that's how I left it. Just my first name, in its terrible scribbled format. So now the question is this, what do I do with the signature. Do I just scrawl "Sheryl Rabbit" in the same awful scratch I've always used with my maiden name? Do I need to wait until things are formally changed? Do I take the opportunity to update the signature and make it something I like more?
I hate how drawn out this process is. I hate that there's so much effort involved in changing the name, because quite frankly I can be a very lazy person and putting effort into something so superficial is nonsense. It would be easier to keep my name, but that's not a decision that feels good to me. I don't want to keep my name. I just don't want to have to go to all this effort to change it, and it's just flat out not fair that the effort is all on my part.
So, to the married ladies (and soon to be married ladies) out there: how has actually getting married affected your feelings on changing your name? Is it still the same old decision it's always been, or is it somehow more complicated or loaded?
So I've always known I'd take Bunny's name. What I didn't expect was that it wouldn't entirely be easy.
Even just being able to "assume" his name by use of our marriage certificate (when we get that) doesn't make the process easy. We can't even send away for that until almost 2 months after the wedding, and then have to wait for its arrival. I still have to do a lot of paperwork, and inform various peoples. And things have to go in very specific orders that I'm still trying to work out (for example, changing the name on my SIN card, bank accounts, and at work will all affect each other for tax purposes and the ability to deposit my paychecks and so has to be done in an effective order).
I've already changed my name socially, which has been easy as pie. Update facebook, correct people when they refer to me by the maiden name or Ms. (because I am a Mrs., thank you very much). It felt weird for the longest time seeing that on facebook, and logging in to the new email address with the new last name.
The bit that's got me all turned up in knots right now? My signature. The other week I was bridesmaids dress shopping for a dear friend's wedding, and after putting the money down I needed to sign off that I was aware this was non-refundable. Well, great. Except this was the first time I had signed my name as a married woman (other than at work, where I still have to use my last name) and I froze. I got my first name out and then had this deer in headlights, what the heck do I do moment.
So that's how I left it. Just my first name, in its terrible scribbled format. So now the question is this, what do I do with the signature. Do I just scrawl "Sheryl Rabbit" in the same awful scratch I've always used with my maiden name? Do I need to wait until things are formally changed? Do I take the opportunity to update the signature and make it something I like more?
I hate how drawn out this process is. I hate that there's so much effort involved in changing the name, because quite frankly I can be a very lazy person and putting effort into something so superficial is nonsense. It would be easier to keep my name, but that's not a decision that feels good to me. I don't want to keep my name. I just don't want to have to go to all this effort to change it, and it's just flat out not fair that the effort is all on my part.
So, to the married ladies (and soon to be married ladies) out there: how has actually getting married affected your feelings on changing your name? Is it still the same old decision it's always been, or is it somehow more complicated or loaded?
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
married money
As I've already mentioned, I don't really feel like my relationship with Bunny has changed much, other than just being altogether more awesome. So many things are exactly the same. Still, some things do have to shift slightly and coalesce into a more unified front.
One of those things? Our finances. And honestly, it's a strange one. Bunny and I have always been very clear on the general definition of how we'd handle our money when we got married, and we have pretty clear guidelines. What we knew going into the wedding was this:
Those accounts? They won't be merged until mid November at the earliest, because we're doing our damnedest to make sure we have a solid picture of our finances before we get going on this. So October is Track Our Spending Month. We're each jotting down every purchase we make, even if it's only bus fare or a couple dollars on coffee. We'll keep track of the cash flow and at the end of the month I'll play with the numbers and, and put together a budget to suggest to Bunny. He'll take a look at things, see how he feels and if there are any tweaks he'd like to make, things I'd forgotten, or inequalities that I'd missed and then we'll update it until we reach something we both feel good about.
We've done this before, though less intensely, when Bunny quit the design firm to go back to school. What we hadn't done that time is completely merge the money. So it's just a step past from what we've already done with our finances. But it's still different.
Even ahead of that, though, I can already tell that on an emotional level how I approach our finances has changed. What gives? Well, Bunny's been in some significant tooth pain for about a month now and I finally got him to go see the dentist. Turns out the poor man needs a two-part root canal. Which is clearly not so cheap and we will be saying goodbye to almost a thousand dollars at the end of the month in consideration for his health.
Why is Bunny getting a root canal a big deal? Because I pushed him into it a little bit, despite his financial concerns. He was going on about the fact that "he can't afford it" and doesn't have the money and wanted to wait. My response?
"We have X thousand dollars in emergency savings. You needing a root canal is an emergency. We'll take the money out of the fund and pay ourselves back. Your health is important."
Those emergency savings? They're technically in "my" bank account. This is literally the equivalent of my life's savings, the money that I have scrimped and scrounged for since having adult jobs and responsibilities. A year ago, in this situation? I would have without hesitation offered the money to Bunny for his health, no strings attached. What I wouldn't have done is framed it as his money. It feels amazing though, that my financial care and planning has enabled us (me?) to take care of Bunny's needs.
It feels a little odd, because I definitely do have a sneaky emotional attachment to those savings as "my money", but I also completely see it as our money as well. It's an interesting contrast inside me that I'm still working out. Clearly there is a shift, and it's certainly significant, but it's also subtle. I'm pretty emotional about money: having it makes me feel good, not having it makes me feel pretty crappy. So this joint money thing? May be a bit of an emotional ride.
One of those things? Our finances. And honestly, it's a strange one. Bunny and I have always been very clear on the general definition of how we'd handle our money when we got married, and we have pretty clear guidelines. What we knew going into the wedding was this:
- We're of the "one pot" completely joint money philosophy
- We both want and need the freedom of personal spending money, and so we will both get monthly spending allowances
- I will be nominally in charge of our money (balancing the budget and checkbook, handing out both of our allowances, tracking and paying the bills) but Bunny is to have an absolutely equal voice in how we manage our money and is to be kept 100% in the loop of our financial status
- This means we'll probably have monthly budget meetings to review where we stand and make sure I've updated Bunny on what's gone on in a clear form (not just "oh, we spent too much on groceries" in passing)
- We both have large financial expenses (my student loans, Bunny's final apprenticeship classes upcoming, Bunny's work supplies which can get super expensive but are tax deductible) that we will work at together
Those accounts? They won't be merged until mid November at the earliest, because we're doing our damnedest to make sure we have a solid picture of our finances before we get going on this. So October is Track Our Spending Month. We're each jotting down every purchase we make, even if it's only bus fare or a couple dollars on coffee. We'll keep track of the cash flow and at the end of the month I'll play with the numbers and, and put together a budget to suggest to Bunny. He'll take a look at things, see how he feels and if there are any tweaks he'd like to make, things I'd forgotten, or inequalities that I'd missed and then we'll update it until we reach something we both feel good about.
We've done this before, though less intensely, when Bunny quit the design firm to go back to school. What we hadn't done that time is completely merge the money. So it's just a step past from what we've already done with our finances. But it's still different.
Even ahead of that, though, I can already tell that on an emotional level how I approach our finances has changed. What gives? Well, Bunny's been in some significant tooth pain for about a month now and I finally got him to go see the dentist. Turns out the poor man needs a two-part root canal. Which is clearly not so cheap and we will be saying goodbye to almost a thousand dollars at the end of the month in consideration for his health.
Why is Bunny getting a root canal a big deal? Because I pushed him into it a little bit, despite his financial concerns. He was going on about the fact that "he can't afford it" and doesn't have the money and wanted to wait. My response?
"We have X thousand dollars in emergency savings. You needing a root canal is an emergency. We'll take the money out of the fund and pay ourselves back. Your health is important."
Those emergency savings? They're technically in "my" bank account. This is literally the equivalent of my life's savings, the money that I have scrimped and scrounged for since having adult jobs and responsibilities. A year ago, in this situation? I would have without hesitation offered the money to Bunny for his health, no strings attached. What I wouldn't have done is framed it as his money. It feels amazing though, that my financial care and planning has enabled us (me?) to take care of Bunny's needs.
It feels a little odd, because I definitely do have a sneaky emotional attachment to those savings as "my money", but I also completely see it as our money as well. It's an interesting contrast inside me that I'm still working out. Clearly there is a shift, and it's certainly significant, but it's also subtle. I'm pretty emotional about money: having it makes me feel good, not having it makes me feel pretty crappy. So this joint money thing? May be a bit of an emotional ride.
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