I hope you all are out there having a happy holiday season and enjoying as much time with loved ones as you can fit in. As for me, this evening I will be holing up and snuggling Bunny, playing board games with family and mostly enjoying some quiet time.
Christmas Eve is pretty much my favourite day ever, even though I'm not a huge Christmas person. Probably because my favourite day ever, in history, was that Christmas Eve five years ago when I went next door to visit his momma and ran flat into Bunny and my world changed.
Five years ago today was love at first sight. Like I never would have believed if it hadn't happened to me, feeling the world around me shift and realign, the sense of the world closing in on me and coming forward to whisper and scream "this is it, this is your future". Some moments can never be adequately expressed in words and that night is one of them.
But five years ago, was a first kiss. A first hand hold. A sense of certainty like nothing I had ever known before in my life.
Showing posts with label bunny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bunny. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
one
Sometimes the moments we're proudest of are our quietest.
I've been very private about my wedding because to me, that's what it was: something intensely intimate and personal that Bunny and I did. This union that we entered into together. And we may have done it with a city hall ceremony that we had no control over, that we heard for the first time as it was being performed, with cookie cutter vows (a secular version of the same words couples have repeated to each other for generation upon generation), while we may not have had an immediate earth quake moment getting married was intimate, and vulnerable and really an intense personal transformation.
I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
We marry each other every single day, still. We will until we aren't around anymore. Every day we help create and grow this relationship.
Today is one year from a random Thursday were we stood in front of a justice of the peace and promised everything. Some things explicitly, some implicitly. And so quickly, already, a year has gone.
I've been very private about my wedding because to me, that's what it was: something intensely intimate and personal that Bunny and I did. This union that we entered into together. And we may have done it with a city hall ceremony that we had no control over, that we heard for the first time as it was being performed, with cookie cutter vows (a secular version of the same words couples have repeated to each other for generation upon generation), while we may not have had an immediate earth quake moment getting married was intimate, and vulnerable and really an intense personal transformation.
I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
We marry each other every single day, still. We will until we aren't around anymore. Every day we help create and grow this relationship.
Today is one year from a random Thursday were we stood in front of a justice of the peace and promised everything. Some things explicitly, some implicitly. And so quickly, already, a year has gone.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
dopplehusband
Four and a half years of knowing Bunny and I have never, once, seen him without his beard. The beard that gets long and unruly and unkempt and has been known to create certain discomfort when kissing. The beard that's adorable and handsome and ruggedly masculine and seems to give his looks an extra "oomph" that makes him look so much like himself.
As much as I tease him about it, I love it. The beard suits him. Plus, it may be his only remaining public claim to being a redhead and apparently that matters to him.
I've always said I would like to see him, just once, barefaced. I figured being married to the man it would be nice to know what his face looks like underneath that inch of hair. Mostly I figured I'd wait another four years before there'd be any give on the issue (although really, I always said that I just wanted him to shave once, then he can go ahead and grow it back.) Last weekend it happened: my husband de-bearded himself. (And I shaved off the winter forest of leg hair, to make things somewhat even.)
He's just the same, except so incredibly different. The shape of the corner of his lips, that's always been hidden by scruffs of hair. Under his beard his skin is so much softer and more even than I'd expected. At the outer edges his jaw is even more defined. he looks younger.
It's a little like he's his own twin brother, and kissing him feels a little naughty. Granted I can never use the same argument again to get him to shave but now that I've seen him once I'm happy.
As much as I tease him about it, I love it. The beard suits him. Plus, it may be his only remaining public claim to being a redhead and apparently that matters to him.
I've always said I would like to see him, just once, barefaced. I figured being married to the man it would be nice to know what his face looks like underneath that inch of hair. Mostly I figured I'd wait another four years before there'd be any give on the issue (although really, I always said that I just wanted him to shave once, then he can go ahead and grow it back.) Last weekend it happened: my husband de-bearded himself. (And I shaved off the winter forest of leg hair, to make things somewhat even.)
He's just the same, except so incredibly different. The shape of the corner of his lips, that's always been hidden by scruffs of hair. Under his beard his skin is so much softer and more even than I'd expected. At the outer edges his jaw is even more defined. he looks younger.
It's a little like he's his own twin brother, and kissing him feels a little naughty. Granted I can never use the same argument again to get him to shave but now that I've seen him once I'm happy.
Monday, March 04, 2013
the shower date
One of my favourite things ever is taking a shower together with Bunny. Early in the relationship, we would do it infrequently in an attempt to be all sexy like, with all the implied awkwardness. When we moved in together, we started to do it more frequently, and the reasons started to change. Sure, showering together is sexy but more importantly it's intimate. You're all wet and naked and touching each other in this confined space and need to work your way carefully around each other and learn how to compromise and share the water spray.
When we moved in with my mom we upped the ante again. My in laws, apparently, take every single shower together and I've started to figure out why. When you share your living space, every moment you get with just the two of you is precious, and it's pretty hard to intrude on someone's shower time. Plus showering together just leads to a different kind of time. You have to pay attention to each other.
For Bunny and I, the shower has become a natural place to have casual conversations about big topics. Like whether or not me getting my hair cut is considered a fun money expense or deserves a budget catagory of its own, and where monies for vacations come from. Or we talk about dreams for the future, how we're feeling about my continued state of not being pregnant, or whatever. It's not that we expect to come up with the conclusions to the questions, but having discussions about weighty topics in the shower lets us work out our feeling very freely. It's easy to be vulnerable when you're already naked and wet (and in my case nearly blind) and all out there physically. There's nothing to hide behind.
This morning over coffee we were laughing and talking about last night's shower, and I told Bunny that showering together was like having a little mini date. We're having deep conversations, with the chance of getting lucky at the end. And if I could only have one or the other, I'd much rather have our showers together than have proper dates.
What are the little ways you encourage intimacy in your relationship?
When we moved in with my mom we upped the ante again. My in laws, apparently, take every single shower together and I've started to figure out why. When you share your living space, every moment you get with just the two of you is precious, and it's pretty hard to intrude on someone's shower time. Plus showering together just leads to a different kind of time. You have to pay attention to each other.
For Bunny and I, the shower has become a natural place to have casual conversations about big topics. Like whether or not me getting my hair cut is considered a fun money expense or deserves a budget catagory of its own, and where monies for vacations come from. Or we talk about dreams for the future, how we're feeling about my continued state of not being pregnant, or whatever. It's not that we expect to come up with the conclusions to the questions, but having discussions about weighty topics in the shower lets us work out our feeling very freely. It's easy to be vulnerable when you're already naked and wet (and in my case nearly blind) and all out there physically. There's nothing to hide behind.
This morning over coffee we were laughing and talking about last night's shower, and I told Bunny that showering together was like having a little mini date. We're having deep conversations, with the chance of getting lucky at the end. And if I could only have one or the other, I'd much rather have our showers together than have proper dates.
What are the little ways you encourage intimacy in your relationship?
Monday, February 25, 2013
long weekend bliss
Last weekend, the government decided to give us a statutory holiday. A silly one, maybe, but hey it was nice to have a long weekend in February. It seems a little nuts that February is nearing the end already.
If you ask Bunny, he'd say it's a little nuts that I'm saying the long weekend was "blissful". We did some very hard work over the weekend, that resulted in a few mini freak outs (mostly due to outside forces annoying the pants off us) and three long slow days of anxiety. It's work that continues, but we slogged through the worst of it sequestered in the basement and now we're just moving forward and continuing. It's a big deal all around.
Here's the thing, though. Even cranky, anxious and grumpy I would choose three days with no one but Bunny and the dog before anything else in the world. Curled up on the couch, working on our projects, watching the last season of Fringe and countless movies and reading some crappy fantasy (metaphysics needed a few days hold for this) and watching Bunny play video games is not a bad way to spend a weekend. I ate so much junk food I almost puked.
So three hard days were kind of blissful, just for the company. Tuesday morning after Bunny had left for work and while I was getting ready, I had the suckiest puppy dog ever. It's like he knew our quiet little weekend together was coming to an end and it was time to get back to life as usual.
If you ask Bunny, he'd say it's a little nuts that I'm saying the long weekend was "blissful". We did some very hard work over the weekend, that resulted in a few mini freak outs (mostly due to outside forces annoying the pants off us) and three long slow days of anxiety. It's work that continues, but we slogged through the worst of it sequestered in the basement and now we're just moving forward and continuing. It's a big deal all around.
Here's the thing, though. Even cranky, anxious and grumpy I would choose three days with no one but Bunny and the dog before anything else in the world. Curled up on the couch, working on our projects, watching the last season of Fringe and countless movies and reading some crappy fantasy (metaphysics needed a few days hold for this) and watching Bunny play video games is not a bad way to spend a weekend. I ate so much junk food I almost puked.
So three hard days were kind of blissful, just for the company. Tuesday morning after Bunny had left for work and while I was getting ready, I had the suckiest puppy dog ever. It's like he knew our quiet little weekend together was coming to an end and it was time to get back to life as usual.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
if we were rich ...
As always we did our "Valentine's" late. I'm not fussed about a holiday designed around big Romantic Gestures, I more care that he's sweet to me every other day of the year and I love how he'll bring me caffeine in bed, opens the car door for me every time, puts my glasses away at the end of the night and oohs and aaahs over my craft projects even when he doesn't know what he's oohing and aahing over. But hey, who can say no to an excuse to a dinner date out of the house?
We ate at one of our favourite places in town, a Thai restaurant with great decor and (mostly) amazing food. It's kind of confusing because the pad Thai there is patently awful, but everything else is phenomenal. The tom yum soup keeps me coming back, and we've enjoyed every other dish we've had there. This visit we split a divine lemongrass beef stir fry where the beef was unbelievably tender and Sambal noodles that were sneakily spicy and full of flavour with lots of vegetables added in. The meal as a whole was so spicy my nose and eyes watered and I blew my nose so hard in the bathroom I popped my ears.
But that pad Thai thing got us thinking on the way there. How it's really too bad that the best Thai place in town has terrible pad Thai and it's too bad that we can't enjoy that dish there every now and again. Which started the conversation if we were rich what would we do? This is the dreaming we whiled away our Valentine's on.
If we were unbelievably rich we would be able to say "I want pad Thai" and hop on a flight to Thailand. Since we're already there, we'd head over to China for dim sum the next day and then go get some pho in Vietnman for dinner. We'd spend a day in India eating curries and then stop in Japan for a sushi dinner. Oh along the way we'd stop and see all the amazing cultural sights too, so we'd probably spend more than a day or two there but let's be honest we're going for the food. (Or at least that's Bunny's motivation).
If we were rich we'd fly to Spain for paella and tapas and make sure our trip coincides with the Catalunya MotoGP race. We'd pop through France for some authentic bistro food and to eat things covered with divine sauces. We'd grab a cafe au lait at a coffee shop then wander through some museums. We'd head on a train to the Netherlands and have some of those awesome Dutch pastries whose names I can never remember but are almondy and so damn good. We'd jump over to Italy and eat pasta and risotto, stare at the Sistine Chapel and have a morning espresso before heading to Germany for some beer and to grab some sausage and potatoes in Poland. We'd stop by England on the way home for a proper tea with scones, a big breakfast and then some more curry.
Maybe the next week we'd head to Montreal for poutine, then fly to the east coast for lobster. We'd head down south for tacos and stop at million barbeque places on our way up home for Bunny. Stop over in New Orleans for the beignets and pecan pie.
If we were rich we would eat so much.
We ate at one of our favourite places in town, a Thai restaurant with great decor and (mostly) amazing food. It's kind of confusing because the pad Thai there is patently awful, but everything else is phenomenal. The tom yum soup keeps me coming back, and we've enjoyed every other dish we've had there. This visit we split a divine lemongrass beef stir fry where the beef was unbelievably tender and Sambal noodles that were sneakily spicy and full of flavour with lots of vegetables added in. The meal as a whole was so spicy my nose and eyes watered and I blew my nose so hard in the bathroom I popped my ears.
But that pad Thai thing got us thinking on the way there. How it's really too bad that the best Thai place in town has terrible pad Thai and it's too bad that we can't enjoy that dish there every now and again. Which started the conversation if we were rich what would we do? This is the dreaming we whiled away our Valentine's on.
If we were unbelievably rich we would be able to say "I want pad Thai" and hop on a flight to Thailand. Since we're already there, we'd head over to China for dim sum the next day and then go get some pho in Vietnman for dinner. We'd spend a day in India eating curries and then stop in Japan for a sushi dinner. Oh along the way we'd stop and see all the amazing cultural sights too, so we'd probably spend more than a day or two there but let's be honest we're going for the food. (Or at least that's Bunny's motivation).
If we were rich we'd fly to Spain for paella and tapas and make sure our trip coincides with the Catalunya MotoGP race. We'd pop through France for some authentic bistro food and to eat things covered with divine sauces. We'd grab a cafe au lait at a coffee shop then wander through some museums. We'd head on a train to the Netherlands and have some of those awesome Dutch pastries whose names I can never remember but are almondy and so damn good. We'd jump over to Italy and eat pasta and risotto, stare at the Sistine Chapel and have a morning espresso before heading to Germany for some beer and to grab some sausage and potatoes in Poland. We'd stop by England on the way home for a proper tea with scones, a big breakfast and then some more curry.
Maybe the next week we'd head to Montreal for poutine, then fly to the east coast for lobster. We'd head down south for tacos and stop at million barbeque places on our way up home for Bunny. Stop over in New Orleans for the beignets and pecan pie.
If we were rich we would eat so much.
Friday, February 15, 2013
dreaming through the mls
Given all the time we've spent over the past month or so discussing finances and money and how that relates to our current and future living situation, it was time Bunny and I started seriously thinking about places to live when we leave my mother's basement. With the savings I've managed to come up with in the past couple of months and the fact that freelance money seems like it's going to be flowing pretty steadily for Bunny in the forseeable future we're starting to lean back towards waiting and buying a home; the nice fact of all this indecision is it gives us time to sit put and save while we make up our minds, and either way buying a home is a ways out.
We've both been looking at local listings lately, browsing the MLS on the web together and separately, feeling out more realistically what's available in the area. We've arrived at two really clear conclusions.
First, homes that are pretty dreamy (as in perfect kitchens, nicely designed, and with the more open concept feel that we've become fond of) are outside of our price range - but that's not a surprise. What's surprising is that they're not as far out of reach as we thought: the dream home sweet spot in our area tends to run between $250-300,000. We can't really see ourselves being comfortable spending more than $225,000 max (and that's pushing it) when we are ready to buy. Unless one of us doubles our income, but that just doesn't look realistic right now. So we're not going to get in a dream home with our first house, but that's no surprise to either of us. While I'm not a fan of house hopping and selling every five years, it's not unreasonable to think that in 10-15 we might be ready to sell and move up a little and the houses we love aren't too far from our starting point.
What is surprising is realizing that decent, liveably homes in the area are sometimes listed as low as $150-175,000. Below what we were hoping to spend, eventually. Listings at this price are available in a lot of areas including the same neighbourhood our parents live in. The idea of being a 10 minute walk away from our moms is inticing, though so is the idea of being clear across town. There are even homes just down the street from my office which is also a pretty accessible part of town in this range. The layouts aren't as open as we'd like and most of the houses we've been seeing online would need a few coats of paint and eventually I'd want to replace the cabinet doors in the kitchen, but they look liveable and they all live up to the standard set by the old townhouse we loved.
All said and done, I think we're leaving more towards waiting and buying. It's still an ongoing discussion and it probably will be right up until we close on a house. Then I'm sure they'll be negotiations about what we want to upgrade first and years down the line we'll be debating about how long to stay. It's feeling hopeful though and we're feeling pretty bright about the whole concept.
We've both been looking at local listings lately, browsing the MLS on the web together and separately, feeling out more realistically what's available in the area. We've arrived at two really clear conclusions.
First, homes that are pretty dreamy (as in perfect kitchens, nicely designed, and with the more open concept feel that we've become fond of) are outside of our price range - but that's not a surprise. What's surprising is that they're not as far out of reach as we thought: the dream home sweet spot in our area tends to run between $250-300,000. We can't really see ourselves being comfortable spending more than $225,000 max (and that's pushing it) when we are ready to buy. Unless one of us doubles our income, but that just doesn't look realistic right now. So we're not going to get in a dream home with our first house, but that's no surprise to either of us. While I'm not a fan of house hopping and selling every five years, it's not unreasonable to think that in 10-15 we might be ready to sell and move up a little and the houses we love aren't too far from our starting point.
What is surprising is realizing that decent, liveably homes in the area are sometimes listed as low as $150-175,000. Below what we were hoping to spend, eventually. Listings at this price are available in a lot of areas including the same neighbourhood our parents live in. The idea of being a 10 minute walk away from our moms is inticing, though so is the idea of being clear across town. There are even homes just down the street from my office which is also a pretty accessible part of town in this range. The layouts aren't as open as we'd like and most of the houses we've been seeing online would need a few coats of paint and eventually I'd want to replace the cabinet doors in the kitchen, but they look liveable and they all live up to the standard set by the old townhouse we loved.
All said and done, I think we're leaving more towards waiting and buying. It's still an ongoing discussion and it probably will be right up until we close on a house. Then I'm sure they'll be negotiations about what we want to upgrade first and years down the line we'll be debating about how long to stay. It's feeling hopeful though and we're feeling pretty bright about the whole concept.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
cash flow, an update
Given that I let you in on Bunny's money worries last week, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that the next weekend I had my own mini meltdown about money while I was working on the budget. Or while I was procrastinating on working on the budget, more like. Looking at numbers and not really doing anything with them.
Money's an emotional subject. Not so much for what it is in itself, but for what it represents. Money itself isn't a value or priority for Bunny and I, but it's something we need to reach our goals. All of the following require money:
So I cried and we talked about how scared I am and how frustrated I am and how some days everything sucks. Pretty much as soon as I got that off my chest things slowly started feeling better.
I ran the numbers, and at first they made no sense. Then I got mad at the numbers, because I couldn't fix them. And we sat down, went over them and realized that I was being way too conservative in some of the estimates I didn't have hard numbers for and things started to look more realistic. My budget estimates for income were on the low side, but we're both paid hourly and we need to use an average. It also completely ignores Bunny's freelance work since that's so hit and miss.
We spend and save pretty much exactly what I assumed we did. Our debts (mostly my student loans, really) stand exactly where I thought they did. The car is still our biggest expense, but it's not quite as much of a money pit as I thought. Since such a big chunk of our expenses are fixed it's easy to get scared, there aren't too many ways to lower them and we'd already done things like get new, more cost effective car insurance this year. Our personal spending is ugh ... well it needs some work but we both knew we were being overly generous with ourselves and we both have plans to fix it.
So at this point we're both on the same page with where our money situation stands and what it represents. We're getting a clearer a picture of which goals we want and need to accomplish first, and what we want to put off for a bit. Vacations, for example, although really, really wanted are not a top priority. Hopefully we'll find a way to make something small happen (like an all inclusive somewhere, or even a weekend away at a B&B or something). Living in a place where it's just the two of us would be better for both of our emotional health than just a week away from here (although a week away would be great, and we'll find ways for mini vacations in the meantime). We've come up with a tentative plan for tackling our personal expenses, and we've talked about starting to get into coupons and be more responsible with how we can get more for less from our fun money. We've got a major goal coming up that's going to make a huge dent in Bunny's spending and a modest dent in mine. Beyond that Bunny's been really moderating some of the more problematic aspects in his spending lately, and I haven't even been coming close to spending my personal budget.
Money's an emotional subject. Not so much for what it is in itself, but for what it represents. Money itself isn't a value or priority for Bunny and I, but it's something we need to reach our goals. All of the following require money:
- living on our own, whether its renting an apartment or buying a house
- going on vacation
- our hobbies (although those are more manageable)
- taking care of a child
So I cried and we talked about how scared I am and how frustrated I am and how some days everything sucks. Pretty much as soon as I got that off my chest things slowly started feeling better.
I ran the numbers, and at first they made no sense. Then I got mad at the numbers, because I couldn't fix them. And we sat down, went over them and realized that I was being way too conservative in some of the estimates I didn't have hard numbers for and things started to look more realistic. My budget estimates for income were on the low side, but we're both paid hourly and we need to use an average. It also completely ignores Bunny's freelance work since that's so hit and miss.
We spend and save pretty much exactly what I assumed we did. Our debts (mostly my student loans, really) stand exactly where I thought they did. The car is still our biggest expense, but it's not quite as much of a money pit as I thought. Since such a big chunk of our expenses are fixed it's easy to get scared, there aren't too many ways to lower them and we'd already done things like get new, more cost effective car insurance this year. Our personal spending is ugh ... well it needs some work but we both knew we were being overly generous with ourselves and we both have plans to fix it.
So at this point we're both on the same page with where our money situation stands and what it represents. We're getting a clearer a picture of which goals we want and need to accomplish first, and what we want to put off for a bit. Vacations, for example, although really, really wanted are not a top priority. Hopefully we'll find a way to make something small happen (like an all inclusive somewhere, or even a weekend away at a B&B or something). Living in a place where it's just the two of us would be better for both of our emotional health than just a week away from here (although a week away would be great, and we'll find ways for mini vacations in the meantime). We've come up with a tentative plan for tackling our personal expenses, and we've talked about starting to get into coupons and be more responsible with how we can get more for less from our fun money. We've got a major goal coming up that's going to make a huge dent in Bunny's spending and a modest dent in mine. Beyond that Bunny's been really moderating some of the more problematic aspects in his spending lately, and I haven't even been coming close to spending my personal budget.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
cash flow
The other weekend Bunny and I took a little bit of an impromptu roadtrip into Newmarket. He'd been trying to pick up some paints for his model car that he's building for awhile, and for the last three weekends the hobby shop in town had been out of every single colour he needed. Finally one of the associates recommended we drive down to Newmarket and we found out that no problem, they had everything.
On the car ride down we had a few talks though about money and priorities and life. Bunny's bank account doesn't really have much in the way of buffer between his income and his share of regular expenses. On top of that there have been extra expenses lately (he had another dentist visit this weekend that kind of cleaned him out) and he's been stressed.
Part of it's my fault. We view all of our money as "our" money, whether it's in my account or his account, but his accounts look pretty sad lately. I've been procrastinating pretty hardcore on the budget and on getting all of our figures to him. I mean, I know where the money goes, I know what savings to be expecting but everything's all over the place with our money right now and I need to start untangling and simplifying.
We've been putting off joining the accounts until my name change is complete legally as an attempt to simplify. It's a little unfair though, because I bring in more money on a regular basis than he does and the expenses that have traditionally been his are way higher than mine. Essentially his regular income just covers the bills and his spending with a tiny bit to spare, whereas my paycheque covers my loans, my fun money, our joint entertainment with significant savings every cheque.
The big stuff is all in place: we have the money to cover our fixed expenses, we have freedom with our money and we save pretty aggressively. What we don't have right now is a plan for exactly what we should be expecting in savings and expenses. I know pretty well what we spend on ourselves but it's been a long time since we've taken a critical eye to it. We also have all our savings lumped into two catagories one account where we put aside money for the taxes on Bunny's freelance, and my account that is combination emergency fund, house savings and short term savings goals. We need to tease out little spots to, say, save for the vacation we've both been craving for years, even if it's just a jar on the dresser that we each stash some personal money in every other week.
So the next week or two I'm trying to dedicate some extra time into putting the numbers together and presenting things to him. We're in good financial shape, really, it's just that our different bank accounts give two very different views of things and don't actually reflect our financial philosophies.
How do you handle family money? Are accounts together, separate or a bit of both? Are you living up to your ideals?
On the car ride down we had a few talks though about money and priorities and life. Bunny's bank account doesn't really have much in the way of buffer between his income and his share of regular expenses. On top of that there have been extra expenses lately (he had another dentist visit this weekend that kind of cleaned him out) and he's been stressed.
Part of it's my fault. We view all of our money as "our" money, whether it's in my account or his account, but his accounts look pretty sad lately. I've been procrastinating pretty hardcore on the budget and on getting all of our figures to him. I mean, I know where the money goes, I know what savings to be expecting but everything's all over the place with our money right now and I need to start untangling and simplifying.
We've been putting off joining the accounts until my name change is complete legally as an attempt to simplify. It's a little unfair though, because I bring in more money on a regular basis than he does and the expenses that have traditionally been his are way higher than mine. Essentially his regular income just covers the bills and his spending with a tiny bit to spare, whereas my paycheque covers my loans, my fun money, our joint entertainment with significant savings every cheque.
The big stuff is all in place: we have the money to cover our fixed expenses, we have freedom with our money and we save pretty aggressively. What we don't have right now is a plan for exactly what we should be expecting in savings and expenses. I know pretty well what we spend on ourselves but it's been a long time since we've taken a critical eye to it. We also have all our savings lumped into two catagories one account where we put aside money for the taxes on Bunny's freelance, and my account that is combination emergency fund, house savings and short term savings goals. We need to tease out little spots to, say, save for the vacation we've both been craving for years, even if it's just a jar on the dresser that we each stash some personal money in every other week.
So the next week or two I'm trying to dedicate some extra time into putting the numbers together and presenting things to him. We're in good financial shape, really, it's just that our different bank accounts give two very different views of things and don't actually reflect our financial philosophies.
How do you handle family money? Are accounts together, separate or a bit of both? Are you living up to your ideals?
Monday, January 21, 2013
hobbies: separate and together
Bunny and I don't share a lot of hobbies. Oh, he likes to cook, but not as much as I do and he's not into baking. We both like to read, but neither of us is a fan of reading out loud. So when you put together my crafting and baking against his love of combustion engines, tiny models and video games you'd think we spend a lot of time doing things apart from each other.
Over the years one thing we've gotten really good at is doing our separate things together. I'll blog or sew while he's playing video games, or watch tv in the same room that he's working on the engine in. (He once had an engine torn to bits all throughout our dining room. Apparently I won brownie points with all his mechanic friends for this.)
Time spent together is important to us. We work hours that aren't always compatible with each other, and our days off don't usually line up (although my time off doesn't really line up with anyone's, which makes social outings frustrating to schedule). So when we only have a couple hours in the morning and night together it's important to make them count, even if we don't feel like doing the same things.
Because of that we've had to work on finding ways to each do our own thing in the same space. If he's sitting at the table working on a model and I'm sitting in the lazy chair sewing, it gives us the chance to talk and laugh and plan or just enjoy each other's presence. When we're doing research or shopping for our hobbies we try to do it together and try to engage in each other's interests even if they bore us to tears. I used to go to the archery club with him and read and cheer him on when he was competing or practicing. We both also put a lot of thought into ways to encourage each other's hobbies, as reflected in our Christmas gifts to each other this year.
We do share interests, but the bulk of the things we want to be doing after a long day or week are very different and we've yet to find a hobby we equally enjoy. It's been important for our relationship that we find a strong way to each pursue our own interests and do it in a way that we still get to spend time together.
If you're in a relationship, do your interests and hobbies line up? If not, what do you do to support each other's interests and still spend quality time together on a regular basis?
Over the years one thing we've gotten really good at is doing our separate things together. I'll blog or sew while he's playing video games, or watch tv in the same room that he's working on the engine in. (He once had an engine torn to bits all throughout our dining room. Apparently I won brownie points with all his mechanic friends for this.)
Time spent together is important to us. We work hours that aren't always compatible with each other, and our days off don't usually line up (although my time off doesn't really line up with anyone's, which makes social outings frustrating to schedule). So when we only have a couple hours in the morning and night together it's important to make them count, even if we don't feel like doing the same things.
Because of that we've had to work on finding ways to each do our own thing in the same space. If he's sitting at the table working on a model and I'm sitting in the lazy chair sewing, it gives us the chance to talk and laugh and plan or just enjoy each other's presence. When we're doing research or shopping for our hobbies we try to do it together and try to engage in each other's interests even if they bore us to tears. I used to go to the archery club with him and read and cheer him on when he was competing or practicing. We both also put a lot of thought into ways to encourage each other's hobbies, as reflected in our Christmas gifts to each other this year.
We do share interests, but the bulk of the things we want to be doing after a long day or week are very different and we've yet to find a hobby we equally enjoy. It's been important for our relationship that we find a strong way to each pursue our own interests and do it in a way that we still get to spend time together.
If you're in a relationship, do your interests and hobbies line up? If not, what do you do to support each other's interests and still spend quality time together on a regular basis?
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
holiday spending
Our bank account is feeling a little deflated this month. Kind of par for the course with the holidays happening here, and at the end of the day we're still leaving the month with more money saved than we had at the start of the month, but still. Not the amount of savings I'd hoped for, even though I knew my hopes were realistic.
This year we had two very different Christmas celebrations. At my mom's house everything was about big gifts, and large presents (or in some cases, large amounts of presents) were given and received. Bunny's family on the other hand did away with the gift exchange entirely, except for our teenage niece because the whole fun of Christmas is giving gifts to younger people.
I much prefered Bunny's family Christmas. As much as it's fun choosing gifts for people, and receiving gifts, it just doesn't do it for me really. I mean I love picking out the "perfect" gift, but sometimes the perfect gift is really just "here's something I know you really want and I tried really hard but it's personal and so I got a gift receipt". Which is just no fun. Maybe I'm feeling grinchy because I feel guilty about the fact that Bunny and I are exchanging part of his gift to me, because while it's beautiful and thoughtful it won't ever get worn. Which makes me feel crazily guilty, and it's not the way that either of us wants to feel about the gifts we give each other. At the end of the day though the big gifts don't do much for me.
The gift I was most excited about buying was for Bunny, and it was a whopping thirty dollars but it was perfect for him. Next to that getting my brother a small collection of sports accessories and some gifts for our niece was super fun. The gifts that I was most excited about receiving were all small ones: beautiful earrings from my niece, quilting classes from Bunny (seriously! the man bought me quilting classes), a sewing box and some fabric from my mom.
Christmas wise the "spending money" bit really gets on my nerves. It seems to miss the point, sort of. Every year in my family we all struggle to come up with giant wish lists of things that we want and that fit my mom's planned Christmas spending. (Maybe it somehow goes along with how strongly I reacted against the idea of a bridal shower?) Somehow all I can think is how much more interesting might it be if we set a small spending limit ($20? 50?) and tried to be more creative within the budget.
Then again, there's also the realization that if and when babies come I may feel completely different about spending money. I'll probably want to spoil my children a little bit, at least around Christmas. Although "budget" is probably the least of the decisions we have to make about babies and Christmas, when the time comes.
Holiday budgets are hard, really. How does your family handle it? Do you do big gifts, little gifts, secret Santa exchanges? Do you wish things were different?
This year we had two very different Christmas celebrations. At my mom's house everything was about big gifts, and large presents (or in some cases, large amounts of presents) were given and received. Bunny's family on the other hand did away with the gift exchange entirely, except for our teenage niece because the whole fun of Christmas is giving gifts to younger people.
I much prefered Bunny's family Christmas. As much as it's fun choosing gifts for people, and receiving gifts, it just doesn't do it for me really. I mean I love picking out the "perfect" gift, but sometimes the perfect gift is really just "here's something I know you really want and I tried really hard but it's personal and so I got a gift receipt". Which is just no fun. Maybe I'm feeling grinchy because I feel guilty about the fact that Bunny and I are exchanging part of his gift to me, because while it's beautiful and thoughtful it won't ever get worn. Which makes me feel crazily guilty, and it's not the way that either of us wants to feel about the gifts we give each other. At the end of the day though the big gifts don't do much for me.
The gift I was most excited about buying was for Bunny, and it was a whopping thirty dollars but it was perfect for him. Next to that getting my brother a small collection of sports accessories and some gifts for our niece was super fun. The gifts that I was most excited about receiving were all small ones: beautiful earrings from my niece, quilting classes from Bunny (seriously! the man bought me quilting classes), a sewing box and some fabric from my mom.
Christmas wise the "spending money" bit really gets on my nerves. It seems to miss the point, sort of. Every year in my family we all struggle to come up with giant wish lists of things that we want and that fit my mom's planned Christmas spending. (Maybe it somehow goes along with how strongly I reacted against the idea of a bridal shower?) Somehow all I can think is how much more interesting might it be if we set a small spending limit ($20? 50?) and tried to be more creative within the budget.
Then again, there's also the realization that if and when babies come I may feel completely different about spending money. I'll probably want to spoil my children a little bit, at least around Christmas. Although "budget" is probably the least of the decisions we have to make about babies and Christmas, when the time comes.
Holiday budgets are hard, really. How does your family handle it? Do you do big gifts, little gifts, secret Santa exchanges? Do you wish things were different?
Monday, December 24, 2012
why Christmas is my favourite holiday
Four years ago today I walked into my next door neighbour's home and met the rest of my life. Since then, Christmas has become my favourite holiday of all.
I don't know if I've ever revealed here the fact that meeting Bunny was love at first sight for me. Although I'd known of him for fifteen years (being that I knew his family well), he'd only actually lived next door for about eight months when I was eight years old, and we'd never had an actual conversation. I probably hadn't seen him at all in the ten years before he became my everything.
In the years since the only way I can describe meeting Bunny is this: pure magic. There was a literal shift that I felt inside myself, there were stars in my vision and a knowledge with absolute certainty that this man was the person I would spend the rest of my life with. The axis that my universe was on reoriented itself to accomodate him. I still can't entirely accurately explain that evening.
The next day I remember talking to a friend in utter disbelief and telling her that I had just met the man I would marry. I went back to school and had the same conversation with other close friends and was met with the response of: who are you and what have you done with the Sheryl we know? Treating a relationship, or a potential relationship, with any sense of seriousness was out of character for me.
Before Bunny I never believed in love at first sight. I didn't even particularly believe in romantic love in general. That moment changed everything.
I'll be taking the next few days off to spend time with family and cherish the time we have together. Hopefully your holidays are as wonderful as I anticpate mine being.
I don't know if I've ever revealed here the fact that meeting Bunny was love at first sight for me. Although I'd known of him for fifteen years (being that I knew his family well), he'd only actually lived next door for about eight months when I was eight years old, and we'd never had an actual conversation. I probably hadn't seen him at all in the ten years before he became my everything.
In the years since the only way I can describe meeting Bunny is this: pure magic. There was a literal shift that I felt inside myself, there were stars in my vision and a knowledge with absolute certainty that this man was the person I would spend the rest of my life with. The axis that my universe was on reoriented itself to accomodate him. I still can't entirely accurately explain that evening.
The next day I remember talking to a friend in utter disbelief and telling her that I had just met the man I would marry. I went back to school and had the same conversation with other close friends and was met with the response of: who are you and what have you done with the Sheryl we know? Treating a relationship, or a potential relationship, with any sense of seriousness was out of character for me.
Before Bunny I never believed in love at first sight. I didn't even particularly believe in romantic love in general. That moment changed everything.
I'll be taking the next few days off to spend time with family and cherish the time we have together. Hopefully your holidays are as wonderful as I anticpate mine being.
Monday, November 05, 2012
candlelit dinner
A weekend or two ago, Bunny and I had a real treat. My mom was out of town with friends for the weekend so we had the house to ourselves. It was probably the most refreshing thing that's happened in awhile, even though I was still in the grip of a really deep fatigue and we literally spent half the weekend sleeping.
There were lots of lovely things we did but perhaps the best was a dinner at home. It's been a long time since we've had a dinner at home, just the two of us. Usually my mom's around (note: this is not a complaint) and so dinner revolves around trying to have something ready when she gets home from work, or whatever she's made or requested. Which is fine, but it's not how we're used to doing things and we end up eating at times that we otherwise wouldn't, and things that we'd otherwise prefer not to.
So Bunny got it in his head that it was a good day to make a big dinner at home for the two of us, and who was I to argue. We went shopping for special ingredients, and because we'd slept in till noon and had a very late lunch we didn't start cooking until after nine. We were able to eat super late for no other reason than we wanted to. That was a treat. Then while I was making up some spicy green beans to go with the steak (a take on these beans, in fact) I decided that it was time to up the ante. So we cleared off the table, gathered a handful of candles and got some nice, matching cutlery out. Turned the tv off and just focused on being with each other over our meal.
It's the little things like that which have such an impact on a relationship in my mind. Choosing to cuddle on the couch while we're reading that than going to separate corners of the room. Having very different hobbies, but finding ways to do them in the same space, at the same time when possible. Making a point to be good to each other and focus on each other, even if it's just over a simple dinner.
There were lots of lovely things we did but perhaps the best was a dinner at home. It's been a long time since we've had a dinner at home, just the two of us. Usually my mom's around (note: this is not a complaint) and so dinner revolves around trying to have something ready when she gets home from work, or whatever she's made or requested. Which is fine, but it's not how we're used to doing things and we end up eating at times that we otherwise wouldn't, and things that we'd otherwise prefer not to.
So Bunny got it in his head that it was a good day to make a big dinner at home for the two of us, and who was I to argue. We went shopping for special ingredients, and because we'd slept in till noon and had a very late lunch we didn't start cooking until after nine. We were able to eat super late for no other reason than we wanted to. That was a treat. Then while I was making up some spicy green beans to go with the steak (a take on these beans, in fact) I decided that it was time to up the ante. So we cleared off the table, gathered a handful of candles and got some nice, matching cutlery out. Turned the tv off and just focused on being with each other over our meal.
It's the little things like that which have such an impact on a relationship in my mind. Choosing to cuddle on the couch while we're reading that than going to separate corners of the room. Having very different hobbies, but finding ways to do them in the same space, at the same time when possible. Making a point to be good to each other and focus on each other, even if it's just over a simple dinner.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
internal conflict
Lately, I've had a lot of internal conflict about our living situation. There are a lot of things that I miss about where Bunny and I used to live. It's not just those freedoms, though, it's also the fact that I flat out loved our old home. It was a place where my relationship with Bunny really flourished, where we took a lot of big steps together. It was where we first created our own shared space, and really settled into a happy shared lifestyle. It was our home when we got engaged, and where we first started investing in serious joint possessions. It was ours in a very visceral way. There's a certain pride in having your own home, and a sense of ownership there. Our home spoke to the lives we lived together, and who we are as people and as a couple. We had a great community, we lived in a city that I loved, and where we were nearby to most of our friends - or at least going to see our friends was only a short trip away.
Then there's the cultural stigma of being adults living with our parents. To be honest as much as this is in my mind, I'm not overly concerned about it. If people who don't know me want to judge my living situation, well, they'll do that. With all my own internal conflict I just don't have the energy to care what others think. What's hard though is balancing being an adult, and a responsible, productive member of society against living with a parent. It's hard to feel like an adult when you're constantly being parented. I struggle with being trivialized, and it's a constant battle to get my mother to treat me as the woman I have become rather than the child I was. The longer we've been here the more it bothers me.
Having just a basement, that's still not entirely ours, isn't so easy at times. This house is my mother's home, and while I grew up here it's never really been my home. I don't feel at home here. As much as I hate to admit it, for most of my young adult life in my own personal definitions of what would signal "success" and "failure" at life in general the number one signal of failure has always been living with my mother post-university. That's been a hard one to wrap my head around.
We don't live here because we have to, although financially it makes a lot of sense right now. We're more than happy to be real, equal financial contributors to the home, although that's something that we can't seem to convince my mother to let us do. (So we help out in the way of home repairs, cooking and cleaning, and buying my mom special presents). We choose, albiet somewhat passively, that this is our living situation.
Beyond the finances there are a lot of benefits to being here. Because our moms have been next door neighbours for twenty years we have the benefit of having our entire immediate familly under one roof. (Except my brother, but he's in school so it's a little different.) It's nice to be able to be so close to everyone and that's a real pull factor for us to stay put here. It's probably the biggest reason, even above finances, that we haven't too seriously started looking for our own place. The difference between being a thirty second walk from family and a ten minute drive is huge.
Bunny and I are constantly reviewing and talking about our living situation and the potential changes we'd like to see to it. Timelines for when we'll change things, and how those things will actually change. He has an easier time with the whole matter, maybe because the reasons for us being here were much more profoundly about him than they were about me. What's so difficult is that whatever we do, we lose out.
Stay here, we lose on the privacy and ownership and pride in having our own home. We lose freedom and independence that are still highly important to me. When we get our own home, whether we buy or rent, we're giving up the direct and easy access to family and the chance to build and strengthen those relationships. We end up making a financial output that, while it makes sense, leaves us with much less freedom and less ability to save for our future.
Then there's the cultural stigma of being adults living with our parents. To be honest as much as this is in my mind, I'm not overly concerned about it. If people who don't know me want to judge my living situation, well, they'll do that. With all my own internal conflict I just don't have the energy to care what others think. What's hard though is balancing being an adult, and a responsible, productive member of society against living with a parent. It's hard to feel like an adult when you're constantly being parented. I struggle with being trivialized, and it's a constant battle to get my mother to treat me as the woman I have become rather than the child I was. The longer we've been here the more it bothers me.
Having just a basement, that's still not entirely ours, isn't so easy at times. This house is my mother's home, and while I grew up here it's never really been my home. I don't feel at home here. As much as I hate to admit it, for most of my young adult life in my own personal definitions of what would signal "success" and "failure" at life in general the number one signal of failure has always been living with my mother post-university. That's been a hard one to wrap my head around.
We don't live here because we have to, although financially it makes a lot of sense right now. We're more than happy to be real, equal financial contributors to the home, although that's something that we can't seem to convince my mother to let us do. (So we help out in the way of home repairs, cooking and cleaning, and buying my mom special presents). We choose, albiet somewhat passively, that this is our living situation.
Beyond the finances there are a lot of benefits to being here. Because our moms have been next door neighbours for twenty years we have the benefit of having our entire immediate familly under one roof. (Except my brother, but he's in school so it's a little different.) It's nice to be able to be so close to everyone and that's a real pull factor for us to stay put here. It's probably the biggest reason, even above finances, that we haven't too seriously started looking for our own place. The difference between being a thirty second walk from family and a ten minute drive is huge.
Bunny and I are constantly reviewing and talking about our living situation and the potential changes we'd like to see to it. Timelines for when we'll change things, and how those things will actually change. He has an easier time with the whole matter, maybe because the reasons for us being here were much more profoundly about him than they were about me. What's so difficult is that whatever we do, we lose out.
Stay here, we lose on the privacy and ownership and pride in having our own home. We lose freedom and independence that are still highly important to me. When we get our own home, whether we buy or rent, we're giving up the direct and easy access to family and the chance to build and strengthen those relationships. We end up making a financial output that, while it makes sense, leaves us with much less freedom and less ability to save for our future.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
rings
Every marriage has their own little quirks and shorthands. Those little moments that only make sense to the two parties involved, but are a pretty big deal for those two. For Bunny and I one of those things has really become our wedding rings.
I'd like to put the historical symbolism of rings implying ownership, particularly in a sexist way, out of the picture. That's not what I'm talking about here, and while it may be an underlying factor it's not something that I'm focused on when I say the rings are important. The rings do symbolically bind us together, but in our marriage that's a two way street. Our rings also link us to our family and both of our families were involved in the choosing of the rings.
My mom was the person who actually found my bridal set and pointed it out as something we should consider (looking back, it has a lot of similarities in style to her engagement and wedding rings). The only aspects of my rings that are at all like what we'd discussed are the white gold and channel set diamonds. Everything else? Things we'd planned on staying away from: it's a bridal set, and the main diamond is a solitaire, and the setting is very different from what we'd wanted. But Bunny and I both adored this ring once we saw it. No brainer.
Bunny's sister also works at the biggest jewellery chain in Canada*, and is an expert in wedding jewellery. So buying both of our rings through her was a no brainer. It made us feel connected to the purchase, and we were able to completely trust her that she was trying to help us find what was right for us and not push us into a bigger purchase for commission. When Bunny bought my ring, she was the link between what my mom and I had looked at and what Bunny looked at. (She kept a list and helped him out, although he made the final selection himself). There also may have been some extra discounts which were a bonus.
I may actually love Bunny's ring more than mine. Buying that for him was exciting and empowering. We went together, unplanned, to make the purchase just because we happened to be in the mall, because his sister was working. The actual ring he selected was very different from what he'd planned: tungsten carbide instead of gold, and there's a little bit of flash and pizzazz to the design. This ring actually speaks to who he is; the mechanic in him is thrilled with the material.
Beyond that we both go crazy seeing his ring on his finger. His ring. His finger. At least once a day for the past six weeks there has been a comment of "I love my ring" (from him) or "I love seeing that ring on you" (from me). I love that he likes how it signals his commitment to me. The fact that he likes wearing it is even better. Every time I glance over to him and see that ring I get this happy, warm feeling spreading through me. It feels good.
There's also only so many times a day we can say "I'm so glad I married you." Our comments on loving the rings have become one of our relationship shorthands, where we say one thing but it means so much more than that.
* I know, buying from a chain store isn't ideal. I had concerns about conflict diamonds and such. But the family connection was a very big deal for us.
I'd like to put the historical symbolism of rings implying ownership, particularly in a sexist way, out of the picture. That's not what I'm talking about here, and while it may be an underlying factor it's not something that I'm focused on when I say the rings are important. The rings do symbolically bind us together, but in our marriage that's a two way street. Our rings also link us to our family and both of our families were involved in the choosing of the rings.
My mom was the person who actually found my bridal set and pointed it out as something we should consider (looking back, it has a lot of similarities in style to her engagement and wedding rings). The only aspects of my rings that are at all like what we'd discussed are the white gold and channel set diamonds. Everything else? Things we'd planned on staying away from: it's a bridal set, and the main diamond is a solitaire, and the setting is very different from what we'd wanted. But Bunny and I both adored this ring once we saw it. No brainer.
Bunny's sister also works at the biggest jewellery chain in Canada*, and is an expert in wedding jewellery. So buying both of our rings through her was a no brainer. It made us feel connected to the purchase, and we were able to completely trust her that she was trying to help us find what was right for us and not push us into a bigger purchase for commission. When Bunny bought my ring, she was the link between what my mom and I had looked at and what Bunny looked at. (She kept a list and helped him out, although he made the final selection himself). There also may have been some extra discounts which were a bonus.
I may actually love Bunny's ring more than mine. Buying that for him was exciting and empowering. We went together, unplanned, to make the purchase just because we happened to be in the mall, because his sister was working. The actual ring he selected was very different from what he'd planned: tungsten carbide instead of gold, and there's a little bit of flash and pizzazz to the design. This ring actually speaks to who he is; the mechanic in him is thrilled with the material.
Beyond that we both go crazy seeing his ring on his finger. His ring. His finger. At least once a day for the past six weeks there has been a comment of "I love my ring" (from him) or "I love seeing that ring on you" (from me). I love that he likes how it signals his commitment to me. The fact that he likes wearing it is even better. Every time I glance over to him and see that ring I get this happy, warm feeling spreading through me. It feels good.
There's also only so many times a day we can say "I'm so glad I married you." Our comments on loving the rings have become one of our relationship shorthands, where we say one thing but it means so much more than that.
* I know, buying from a chain store isn't ideal. I had concerns about conflict diamonds and such. But the family connection was a very big deal for us.
Monday, October 22, 2012
faster
Today's post title comes courtesy of a 2003 documentary called, well, "Faster". Narrated by Ewan MacGregor, about grand prix motorcycle racing.
Which is one of the great shared loves in my marriage. Motorcycle racing. Let's put this in one kind of perspective here: Bunny is a motorcycle mechanic and me? Well, I don't drive, much less ride motorcycles - although to be fair, I'd choose a bike before a car any day. To put it in another perspective: I have a mind that's built for keeping track of histories and statistics, and remembering little bits of data, Bunny has a terrible memory.
Together? We adore motorcycle racing. To the point that our eventual, long delayed honeymoon will be timed to coincide with one of the four races that occur in Spain. (My vote is for Catalunya because that track is breathtaking to watch, but I'd be happy enough going to Aragon or the season ender in Valencia.) When we talk about "one day, if we win the lottery" one of our big things is that we want to take a year and hit every single race on the Grand Prix circuit, Qatar to Valencia.
So, eighteen days a year we get really excited because there are going to be three really awesome hours of motorsport entertainment for us. We don't always cheer the same riders (he has a thing for the Spanish riders and the flash, my soft spot is for the Italian riders and the ability to dominate), but we both enjoy the same races. We both get worked up over clean passes, daring maneovers, lean angles and terrifying crashes. I analyze the heck out of everything and then he explains to me how the bikes work.
This passion for racing? Doesn't just cover watching our races. Bunny buys the racing magazines, and I read a lot online through a couple of publications. Right now I'm getting excited hearing about all the behind the scenes work going on to get next season started: riders changing teams, changing bikes, moving up and down classes and major buyouts that are taking place. Some days I shock myself how much I know about prototype motorcycle racing. I mean, Bunny's the only reason I got into it in the first place.
Funnily enough, we're both pretty sure I enjoy it more than he does. (Or so our watching time tells us. I'm the one who goes online and watches old seasons. Bunny? Not so much.) For us? This is marriage. Giving each other's interests a fair chance and finding out that sometimes those interests are shared. I don't need to share all of Bunny's hobbies or interests, but I do give them a fair chance when he wants me to.
And I can't wait to see next year when Rossi is back on a Yamaha. If only Bunny would let me put him on the elevator list.
Are there any hobbies or interests you picked up from your significant other that surprise you?
Which is one of the great shared loves in my marriage. Motorcycle racing. Let's put this in one kind of perspective here: Bunny is a motorcycle mechanic and me? Well, I don't drive, much less ride motorcycles - although to be fair, I'd choose a bike before a car any day. To put it in another perspective: I have a mind that's built for keeping track of histories and statistics, and remembering little bits of data, Bunny has a terrible memory.
Together? We adore motorcycle racing. To the point that our eventual, long delayed honeymoon will be timed to coincide with one of the four races that occur in Spain. (My vote is for Catalunya because that track is breathtaking to watch, but I'd be happy enough going to Aragon or the season ender in Valencia.) When we talk about "one day, if we win the lottery" one of our big things is that we want to take a year and hit every single race on the Grand Prix circuit, Qatar to Valencia.
So, eighteen days a year we get really excited because there are going to be three really awesome hours of motorsport entertainment for us. We don't always cheer the same riders (he has a thing for the Spanish riders and the flash, my soft spot is for the Italian riders and the ability to dominate), but we both enjoy the same races. We both get worked up over clean passes, daring maneovers, lean angles and terrifying crashes. I analyze the heck out of everything and then he explains to me how the bikes work.
This passion for racing? Doesn't just cover watching our races. Bunny buys the racing magazines, and I read a lot online through a couple of publications. Right now I'm getting excited hearing about all the behind the scenes work going on to get next season started: riders changing teams, changing bikes, moving up and down classes and major buyouts that are taking place. Some days I shock myself how much I know about prototype motorcycle racing. I mean, Bunny's the only reason I got into it in the first place.
Funnily enough, we're both pretty sure I enjoy it more than he does. (Or so our watching time tells us. I'm the one who goes online and watches old seasons. Bunny? Not so much.) For us? This is marriage. Giving each other's interests a fair chance and finding out that sometimes those interests are shared. I don't need to share all of Bunny's hobbies or interests, but I do give them a fair chance when he wants me to.
And I can't wait to see next year when Rossi is back on a Yamaha. If only Bunny would let me put him on the elevator list.
Are there any hobbies or interests you picked up from your significant other that surprise you?
Monday, October 01, 2012
settling in to marriage
Bunny and I never looked at the day of our wedding as a life changing event. Neither of us really had any expectation that there would be some giant, life changing moment or that we'd feel very different from the other side. And the day we eloped itself? Surprisingly normal. Calm morning, when I could drown out the fact that my mom was super excited and expressing it in ways that were making both Bunny and I anxious, and then the rest of the day was just a cloud of happiness and enjoyment of each other. But life changing? No.
After almost four years together, living with each other for more than half that time, we already knew each other's ins and outs. We'd already built up our own team spirit and team rules, and had supported each other on major life changing events like when Bunny had quit his job to go back to school. We kept our money in separate bank accounts, but our budgets were integrated and we both had a say in how money was spent and saved and we split expenses in ways that made sense to us rather than a fifty-fifty even split. After the year of deaths, unemployment and unexpected moves we had already done the "or worse" part of living a life together, and knew that together we could walk out the firestorm stronger than we'd been when it started. It didn't leave a lot of room for change, even at the moment of marriage.
And on my end, the big cosmic shift of fireworks going off and choirs of angels singing to let me know that my world was changing occurred way back the moment I met Bunny. So I wasn't really expecting a repeat performance of that: the universe had already given me the celebration of coming home to the person I was supposed to be with.
For us, on the surface, marriage has changed absolutely nothing. Our day to day lives function the same, we're doing the work on getting bank accounts in order but we've already agreed on how the family budget runs (and it's an extension of how the old budgets ran), and we love each other just as much. Oh, now Bunny gets to call me "wifey" or "his lovely wife" depending on his mood and I get to call him my "wonderful husband". Our key pet name for each other is still "lover", though, just new ones have been added to the mix. I get called pretty more often now, but that's not a big change.
Underneath, though? There I'm not so sure. It's hard to describe but still there's this subtle feeling as if this one extra thing has shifted into place in our relationship in a way that doesn't actually affect anything but we can still sense it. The only way Bunny or I know how to describe it? Our relationship is exactly the same, but way more awesome. It took some time for us to recognize that extra awesome shift, but it's definitely there in a very subtle way.
It's strange how many different expectations we had going into the whole "being married" thing, and how we were exactly right and exactly wrong at the same time. But being here, married, now? It feels amazing.
After almost four years together, living with each other for more than half that time, we already knew each other's ins and outs. We'd already built up our own team spirit and team rules, and had supported each other on major life changing events like when Bunny had quit his job to go back to school. We kept our money in separate bank accounts, but our budgets were integrated and we both had a say in how money was spent and saved and we split expenses in ways that made sense to us rather than a fifty-fifty even split. After the year of deaths, unemployment and unexpected moves we had already done the "or worse" part of living a life together, and knew that together we could walk out the firestorm stronger than we'd been when it started. It didn't leave a lot of room for change, even at the moment of marriage.
And on my end, the big cosmic shift of fireworks going off and choirs of angels singing to let me know that my world was changing occurred way back the moment I met Bunny. So I wasn't really expecting a repeat performance of that: the universe had already given me the celebration of coming home to the person I was supposed to be with.
For us, on the surface, marriage has changed absolutely nothing. Our day to day lives function the same, we're doing the work on getting bank accounts in order but we've already agreed on how the family budget runs (and it's an extension of how the old budgets ran), and we love each other just as much. Oh, now Bunny gets to call me "wifey" or "his lovely wife" depending on his mood and I get to call him my "wonderful husband". Our key pet name for each other is still "lover", though, just new ones have been added to the mix. I get called pretty more often now, but that's not a big change.
Underneath, though? There I'm not so sure. It's hard to describe but still there's this subtle feeling as if this one extra thing has shifted into place in our relationship in a way that doesn't actually affect anything but we can still sense it. The only way Bunny or I know how to describe it? Our relationship is exactly the same, but way more awesome. It took some time for us to recognize that extra awesome shift, but it's definitely there in a very subtle way.
It's strange how many different expectations we had going into the whole "being married" thing, and how we were exactly right and exactly wrong at the same time. But being here, married, now? It feels amazing.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
News!! Excitement!!
You may remember the little vacation from life in its usual forms Bunny and I took a few weeks ago. The one where Bunny and I took off to take care of a somewhat secret special task ... and now, it's officially announcement time.
We eloped! We are married.
It's a decision that I was always ok with, but it took 8 months for Bunny to decide that eloping was what he wanted as well (and 8 months of me trying to plan multiple weddings for us and going crazy doing so). It was really important to me that Bunny love our wedding as much as I did, and it didn't seem fair to push him into eloping if he didn't want it. In the end, he had enough with trying to make other people happy and trying to sort out the money issues and we said eff it, we're doing this just for us.
The day itself was magical. I couldn't have asked for something more wonderful. Here's the thing, though: I'm not all that inclined to talk about it. Or watch the video his mom took. Three weeks later, I still haven't seen the handful of pictures that we have.
Partly that's due to the revisionist nature of my memory. I have this perfect impression of my wedding right now, and I don't want to somehow distort or change it by looking at it too closely. I'm slightly scared that I'll somehow overwrite the perfectness of it all by sharing it to much or letting myself see it through someone else's eyes. It's also partly due to the fact that even though it was small and very by the book, with just a standard city hall ceremony, that it's so intensely personal I don't want to share it with anyone. You may get a dinner review, though. ;)
What I will say is that I couldn't be happier. I'm overjoyed to be married to my Bunny. We really needed this, just to be married already, after the year we've had together. We've been each other's rocks and it was so important to have that formally recognized and have legal rights over each other in an emergency.
Being married to the love of my life? It feels so, so good.
We eloped! We are married.
It's a decision that I was always ok with, but it took 8 months for Bunny to decide that eloping was what he wanted as well (and 8 months of me trying to plan multiple weddings for us and going crazy doing so). It was really important to me that Bunny love our wedding as much as I did, and it didn't seem fair to push him into eloping if he didn't want it. In the end, he had enough with trying to make other people happy and trying to sort out the money issues and we said eff it, we're doing this just for us.
The day itself was magical. I couldn't have asked for something more wonderful. Here's the thing, though: I'm not all that inclined to talk about it. Or watch the video his mom took. Three weeks later, I still haven't seen the handful of pictures that we have.
Partly that's due to the revisionist nature of my memory. I have this perfect impression of my wedding right now, and I don't want to somehow distort or change it by looking at it too closely. I'm slightly scared that I'll somehow overwrite the perfectness of it all by sharing it to much or letting myself see it through someone else's eyes. It's also partly due to the fact that even though it was small and very by the book, with just a standard city hall ceremony, that it's so intensely personal I don't want to share it with anyone. You may get a dinner review, though. ;)
What I will say is that I couldn't be happier. I'm overjoyed to be married to my Bunny. We really needed this, just to be married already, after the year we've had together. We've been each other's rocks and it was so important to have that formally recognized and have legal rights over each other in an emergency.
Being married to the love of my life? It feels so, so good.
Monday, August 20, 2012
the difference
99% of the time I'm fairly oblivious to the somewhat substantial age gap between Bunny and myself. It's more a chance to tease him about being an old man than anything else, although sometimes it feels like a cultural difference being that we grew up in different generations. It just doesn't figure into our relationship.
Except sometimes it does. Sometimes I have a hard time with being so young in comparison to him and I feel like I have to hurry up and catch up with him. Sometimes I feel like he's running miles ahead of me and he needs to just slow down and wait for me. Having 11 years between us means that even if we're on the same page most of the time with what we want and need out of life that sometimes there are very stark differences.
Like with the whole bit about buying a house. He's had almost twenty years of being an adult and working towards his adult priorities like home ownership. The last career he was in gave him a salary that essentially meant he could have anything he wanted - like six weeks in Southeast Asia or buying expensive toys on a whim or a real opportunity to buy a house. Me, on the other hand? Well I'm still pretty fresh out of school and working on figuring out what I want out of my working life and how careers and money fit into everything else I want.
I want so much else. I want a family and vacations and babies and long nights spent alone together and to see the pyramids and to have fulfilling hobbies and the sort of financial situation that makes me feel secure, in everything. I want to hand make a couple items of clothing just to say I did.
Some of the things that Bunny wants out of life right now mean that I need to grow up faster than I'm ready. Some of the things I want out of life means that Bunny needs to slow down and spin his heels for a bit waiting, which might feel a little like stagnation to him. When Bunny decides he wants something it's with a certain sense of urgency, as if time is running out and he needs to do everything he can to get where he's going in time to enjoy it; I'm left feeling a little like I need to hurry up so I don't miss the boat.
It seems to silly that something as silly as the numbers on our birth certificates can dictate some of big negotiations and compromises in our relationship, especially when ususally it's such a miniscule part of who we are as a couple. It doesn't factor into our day to day lives at all. It's never a point of real contention, it's just a very emotional negotiation sometimes.
Except sometimes it does. Sometimes I have a hard time with being so young in comparison to him and I feel like I have to hurry up and catch up with him. Sometimes I feel like he's running miles ahead of me and he needs to just slow down and wait for me. Having 11 years between us means that even if we're on the same page most of the time with what we want and need out of life that sometimes there are very stark differences.
Like with the whole bit about buying a house. He's had almost twenty years of being an adult and working towards his adult priorities like home ownership. The last career he was in gave him a salary that essentially meant he could have anything he wanted - like six weeks in Southeast Asia or buying expensive toys on a whim or a real opportunity to buy a house. Me, on the other hand? Well I'm still pretty fresh out of school and working on figuring out what I want out of my working life and how careers and money fit into everything else I want.
I want so much else. I want a family and vacations and babies and long nights spent alone together and to see the pyramids and to have fulfilling hobbies and the sort of financial situation that makes me feel secure, in everything. I want to hand make a couple items of clothing just to say I did.
Some of the things that Bunny wants out of life right now mean that I need to grow up faster than I'm ready. Some of the things I want out of life means that Bunny needs to slow down and spin his heels for a bit waiting, which might feel a little like stagnation to him. When Bunny decides he wants something it's with a certain sense of urgency, as if time is running out and he needs to do everything he can to get where he's going in time to enjoy it; I'm left feeling a little like I need to hurry up so I don't miss the boat.
It seems to silly that something as silly as the numbers on our birth certificates can dictate some of big negotiations and compromises in our relationship, especially when ususally it's such a miniscule part of who we are as a couple. It doesn't factor into our day to day lives at all. It's never a point of real contention, it's just a very emotional negotiation sometimes.
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
changing the plans
I am sick of trying to plan a wedding. So sick of it, in fact, that we're not really going to do that anymore.
Bunny and I have had a harder time with this than anticipated, actually. We had a vision, up to and including a venue and guest list, more than a year in advance of even getting engaged. A wedding vision that we really loved, in fact. As things started to get closer to actually happening, though, and we started to have to put our money where our mouths were, plans changed.
The wedding we wanted was expensive. Not crazy expensive, and we could have easily afforded it (to put it in perspective, we could pay down the entire wedding that we were going to have just with our current bank balances) but spending such a chunk of money on one day makes both of us feel uncomfortable.
Then all the cr*p that's gone down this year has really made the initial wedding we planned feel not quite right for us anymore. To have twenty guests but not be able to have Poppa Bunny there just seemed like too much to handle. So we scrapped it, and I agreed that I would do the big backyard party that Bunny wanted but filled me with dread.
Done. Right? Wrong.
You see, Bunny wanted the big party, but when we got down to the nitty gritty with it he wasn't so happy. He didn't believe me when I said the guest list for a big family party would be over a hundred people, minimum, until we wrote it out together. And then BAM! We started to do a rough budget of beer and hot dogs for 150 people and he got some pretty serious cold feet, to go along with my "I'm scared of a big party" cold feet. We spent a couple of weeks going back and forth, feeling out ourselves and each other and really asking ourselves "will this make us happy."
The answer was a pretty resounding no. We can't wrap our heads around the money. Neither of us has the time, or the inclination, to do the planning. We're people who can't even be bothered to throw ourselves birthday parties (seriously, the last time I had a birthday party I was 13, and I had two guests), so should we really be all that surprised that we're not into planning a big party around our wedding? Nah.
So, we have a plan. I have attire, although we need to find some for Bunny. We have rings. We have witnesses. We just need to make one call and put a little bit of money on the credit card (well, I guess two calls since we're planning on getting a hotel for the night) to secure the date. The need-to-haves are taken care of. We're good.
Bunny and I have had a harder time with this than anticipated, actually. We had a vision, up to and including a venue and guest list, more than a year in advance of even getting engaged. A wedding vision that we really loved, in fact. As things started to get closer to actually happening, though, and we started to have to put our money where our mouths were, plans changed.
The wedding we wanted was expensive. Not crazy expensive, and we could have easily afforded it (to put it in perspective, we could pay down the entire wedding that we were going to have just with our current bank balances) but spending such a chunk of money on one day makes both of us feel uncomfortable.
Then all the cr*p that's gone down this year has really made the initial wedding we planned feel not quite right for us anymore. To have twenty guests but not be able to have Poppa Bunny there just seemed like too much to handle. So we scrapped it, and I agreed that I would do the big backyard party that Bunny wanted but filled me with dread.
Done. Right? Wrong.
You see, Bunny wanted the big party, but when we got down to the nitty gritty with it he wasn't so happy. He didn't believe me when I said the guest list for a big family party would be over a hundred people, minimum, until we wrote it out together. And then BAM! We started to do a rough budget of beer and hot dogs for 150 people and he got some pretty serious cold feet, to go along with my "I'm scared of a big party" cold feet. We spent a couple of weeks going back and forth, feeling out ourselves and each other and really asking ourselves "will this make us happy."
The answer was a pretty resounding no. We can't wrap our heads around the money. Neither of us has the time, or the inclination, to do the planning. We're people who can't even be bothered to throw ourselves birthday parties (seriously, the last time I had a birthday party I was 13, and I had two guests), so should we really be all that surprised that we're not into planning a big party around our wedding? Nah.
So, we have a plan. I have attire, although we need to find some for Bunny. We have rings. We have witnesses. We just need to make one call and put a little bit of money on the credit card (well, I guess two calls since we're planning on getting a hotel for the night) to secure the date. The need-to-haves are taken care of. We're good.
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