Hey ya'll? I'm seriously exhausted. The new job and all the stuff I've got going on at home with trying to find an apartment and trying to figure out how we're selling the truck/buying an SUV and all the emotional impact of the past few months? It's getting to me.
I came home from work yesterday and slept for three hours straight, couldn't pull myself out of bed at all. I'm tired. So we're having a bit of a programming break here. Imma go take a nap.
My question to you is this: what do you do when life is catching up to you and you're just exhausted?
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
life, and musings in general
This has been a hard year for me, so far. (And for Bunny, too.) A really, incredibly difficult year. A lot of things that have happened since 2012 began I really could have done without. Deaths, moves that I wasn't excited about (but have since come to terms with), six long months of unemployment and a fruitless job search while Bunny was in school, difficulties finding Bunny the job he needed in the career he loves.
With all the avalanche of just plain bad and flat out difficult and general struggle that the past seven months have been absolutely brutal in some ways. Painful, uncomfortable, disheartening; I could easily describe this year with any of those adjectives. So far, 2012 has had a lot of the suck going on. In fact, in some ways it is shaping up to be the worst year of my life, and that right there is a big statement. I've never had so much of the hard stuff in one little bitty time frame. I really just can't wrap my head around all the sh*t that's gone down in the past seven months.
There's been a lot of good in the year, too. Really reaffirming that my relationship with Bunny is strong, and flexible, and can grow. Knowing that we are both capable of being each other's rock when we need it. Realizing that Bunny completely knows about my bullsh*t need to yell at people who are mostly blameless when I'm mad at the world and doesn't take it personally, and me myself catching myself and stopping myself and apologizing in the moment as opposed to only being able to do damage control after the fact. (Hopefully that means I'm on track to stop myself before that even starts, next time.) Seeing how clearly our goals line up for the big important and long term stuff, and noting how we're both willing to give a little when it's necessary. Having proof positive that Bunny's willing to make the same sort of personal sacrifices for my happiness that I've made for his in the past few years. Realizing that I am, in fact, capable of pulling my shit together and being professional at work even when my life is falling apart. That came as a really big surprise, actually. Making big life changes that are uncomfortable and make me angry but end up feeling just plain right once I give them time to settle in.
2012 is also the year that Bunny and I are going to get married. (Just don't ask us for details or dates, we've given up trying to plan this thing and are just going to do it on the fly.) That one act? That is enough to almost completely balance out all the cr*p that 2012 has thrown at me.
This has been a year of learning how to have some sort of grace in the face of loss and general life crappiness. It's been learning how to assert my needs when I'm down and out, which is something I'm historically terrible at. I'm still not very good at it, but at least I'm not so awful at it either. It's been backing up and recognizing that my way isn't always the right way, and certainly isn't the only way. It's been staring down some of my biggest life dreams and finding out a way to be ok when the floor falls out from under me. Pulling myself together, at least on the surface, because I have a life I need to live and I can't always just stop everything because I want to stay home and cry. It's knowing that some things I can bail on for no other reason than to stay home and cry, and that even when I can't bail that there's always time to cry later. It's recognizing that when things are, in fact, that bad that I can cry like a banshee .... but I don't have to be alone for that. It's been learning to recognize my limits for rational thought when things aren't going well, and accepting the fact that I am incapable of making a trivial decision like what to eat or where to sit down when things are going really, really badly. It's knowing that even though the minutiae paralyze me in those moments that I can handle the important decisions, and the hard ones.
There's been a lot of snuggling lately. A lot of emotionally drained napping. A lot of sitting around and staring at nothing, because sometimes just being conscious and living through a sh*tty moment is already more than I can take. There hasn't been any cooking, really for most of the last two weeks. I've come to terms with the fact that there is such a thing, for me, as too upset to cook and that it comes with being too upset to eat. There's been a lot of eating just because it makes Bunny happy to see me eat lately. (Which, for now, is as good a reason as any to eat. Soon I'll hopefully start actually enjoying food again.)
It`s been a damn hard year, thus far. And that`s ok, hard years happen. But even when life sucks, there are bright spots and it`s all the more important to hold on to your silver linings. Right now? I'm just glad that 2012 is more than halfway over.
With all the avalanche of just plain bad and flat out difficult and general struggle that the past seven months have been absolutely brutal in some ways. Painful, uncomfortable, disheartening; I could easily describe this year with any of those adjectives. So far, 2012 has had a lot of the suck going on. In fact, in some ways it is shaping up to be the worst year of my life, and that right there is a big statement. I've never had so much of the hard stuff in one little bitty time frame. I really just can't wrap my head around all the sh*t that's gone down in the past seven months.
There's been a lot of good in the year, too. Really reaffirming that my relationship with Bunny is strong, and flexible, and can grow. Knowing that we are both capable of being each other's rock when we need it. Realizing that Bunny completely knows about my bullsh*t need to yell at people who are mostly blameless when I'm mad at the world and doesn't take it personally, and me myself catching myself and stopping myself and apologizing in the moment as opposed to only being able to do damage control after the fact. (Hopefully that means I'm on track to stop myself before that even starts, next time.) Seeing how clearly our goals line up for the big important and long term stuff, and noting how we're both willing to give a little when it's necessary. Having proof positive that Bunny's willing to make the same sort of personal sacrifices for my happiness that I've made for his in the past few years. Realizing that I am, in fact, capable of pulling my shit together and being professional at work even when my life is falling apart. That came as a really big surprise, actually. Making big life changes that are uncomfortable and make me angry but end up feeling just plain right once I give them time to settle in.
2012 is also the year that Bunny and I are going to get married. (Just don't ask us for details or dates, we've given up trying to plan this thing and are just going to do it on the fly.) That one act? That is enough to almost completely balance out all the cr*p that 2012 has thrown at me.
This has been a year of learning how to have some sort of grace in the face of loss and general life crappiness. It's been learning how to assert my needs when I'm down and out, which is something I'm historically terrible at. I'm still not very good at it, but at least I'm not so awful at it either. It's been backing up and recognizing that my way isn't always the right way, and certainly isn't the only way. It's been staring down some of my biggest life dreams and finding out a way to be ok when the floor falls out from under me. Pulling myself together, at least on the surface, because I have a life I need to live and I can't always just stop everything because I want to stay home and cry. It's knowing that some things I can bail on for no other reason than to stay home and cry, and that even when I can't bail that there's always time to cry later. It's recognizing that when things are, in fact, that bad that I can cry like a banshee .... but I don't have to be alone for that. It's been learning to recognize my limits for rational thought when things aren't going well, and accepting the fact that I am incapable of making a trivial decision like what to eat or where to sit down when things are going really, really badly. It's knowing that even though the minutiae paralyze me in those moments that I can handle the important decisions, and the hard ones.
There's been a lot of snuggling lately. A lot of emotionally drained napping. A lot of sitting around and staring at nothing, because sometimes just being conscious and living through a sh*tty moment is already more than I can take. There hasn't been any cooking, really for most of the last two weeks. I've come to terms with the fact that there is such a thing, for me, as too upset to cook and that it comes with being too upset to eat. There's been a lot of eating just because it makes Bunny happy to see me eat lately. (Which, for now, is as good a reason as any to eat. Soon I'll hopefully start actually enjoying food again.)
It`s been a damn hard year, thus far. And that`s ok, hard years happen. But even when life sucks, there are bright spots and it`s all the more important to hold on to your silver linings. Right now? I'm just glad that 2012 is more than halfway over.
Friday, July 27, 2012
a new "uniform": the blazer
My wardrobe has been under construction for awhile, now, really. Losing weight has forced me to buy some new clothes, and given that I'm not made of money I have to be fairly strategic about what to buy. I look at basics, and at pieces that can help me stretch what I already have. Starting the new job recently has also made me examine how professional my wardrobe is, and how to up the ante in that respect.
There's been a runaway favourite here, that's really become my new staple piece of clothing. The blazer. I mean, it's practically like the orange leather jacket, or my awesome vintage coat but I can wear them every day. And oh wow, do they dress up even the most casual of outfits.
My workplace is pretty casual. The description is more casual business than business casual. Emphasis on the casual. Jeans and a tee shirt are completely acceptable wear. Except I don't feel professional in just jeans and a tee shirt. Feeling professional and put together in my work clothes helps set my mindset for the workday.
And you know what? A blazer on top of anything makes me feel professional. Over the past month or so I've managed to make a little collection. I have cropped blazers and normal length, I have lightweight cotton blazers in teal, coral, royal blue, and white. I even have two black blazers. One button, two button and three button blazers are all represented in my closet. I even have my fancy interview blazer that looks like a conductor's jacket. I have cropped blazers, and full length blazers. I'm just a little bit in love with these blazers.
I throw one on over skinny jeans and a tank top, and suddenly I feel professional, polished and put together. I feel chic and stylish. I can throw one on over any of my dresses, and I look like I actually put a little extra thought into my outfit. If I'm wearing neutrals underneath, I put on a colourful blazer to add some "pop" to the look, if I'm otherwise colourful the black or the white blazer grounds the look (also, I am on the lookout for dark and light grey, navy blue and brown blazers. I'm addicted).
Do you have a piece of clothing that you are almost always wearing? Or a new fashion addiction? If so, what is it??
There's been a runaway favourite here, that's really become my new staple piece of clothing. The blazer. I mean, it's practically like the orange leather jacket, or my awesome vintage coat but I can wear them every day. And oh wow, do they dress up even the most casual of outfits.
My workplace is pretty casual. The description is more casual business than business casual. Emphasis on the casual. Jeans and a tee shirt are completely acceptable wear. Except I don't feel professional in just jeans and a tee shirt. Feeling professional and put together in my work clothes helps set my mindset for the workday.
And you know what? A blazer on top of anything makes me feel professional. Over the past month or so I've managed to make a little collection. I have cropped blazers and normal length, I have lightweight cotton blazers in teal, coral, royal blue, and white. I even have two black blazers. One button, two button and three button blazers are all represented in my closet. I even have my fancy interview blazer that looks like a conductor's jacket. I have cropped blazers, and full length blazers. I'm just a little bit in love with these blazers.
I throw one on over skinny jeans and a tank top, and suddenly I feel professional, polished and put together. I feel chic and stylish. I can throw one on over any of my dresses, and I look like I actually put a little extra thought into my outfit. If I'm wearing neutrals underneath, I put on a colourful blazer to add some "pop" to the look, if I'm otherwise colourful the black or the white blazer grounds the look (also, I am on the lookout for dark and light grey, navy blue and brown blazers. I'm addicted).
Do you have a piece of clothing that you are almost always wearing? Or a new fashion addiction? If so, what is it??
Thursday, July 26, 2012
life, and what we don't talk about
There's a lot that we, as a society at large, don't really talk about. Or, if we do talk about, it's with kid gloves on, carefully chosen phrases and avoid actual engaging in the issue. Lately I'm thinking that it's a little isolating, a little lonely.
When the sex part of our relationships is having a downswing, we don't really talk about it. Unless it's in arguments or a strong reaction, we seem to avoid talking about a woman's right to choose (heck, I'm even avoiding the word "abortion" here, for no good reason). People don't, as a rule, talk about fertility issues. Certainly we don't talk about miscarriage. We don't talk about fraught issues with family relationships or broken friendships. Or, how it feels when your dog dies and how you might cry for weeks or months after that. We don't talk about how useless it can feel when someone you love has lost someone they love and there's nothing you can do.
Well, sometimes we talk about those things. Usually in more vague terms, or, even when being specific, avoiding delving too deeply into the emotions of the whole thing. So often I find that when the subjects do finally come up it's after the fact. Once we've made it through the most intense of the emotional storm that accompanies the bare facts.
I'm thinking maybe it's an issue of vulnerability. It's easy to say "I've had that issue, in the past" or "awhile ago, this happened". It's not easy to say "Hey, hold up. I'm in the middle of a shitstorm. And it f*%&ing hurts." Especially when you're seeing the people who are now in the know every day. We don't want to be fragile and broken and vulnerable in front of even our closest friends.
It's hard to say that the our world is falling apart, even if we know things are going to be ok in the end. Even when we're holding it together (if only just).
On my end, we've had a really up and down and all over the place year. There's been some very, very good things going on lately (see: my new job, that I am seriously loving) and some very, very bad things (see: someone I love died and it sucks). Sometimes I'm swinging back and forth from one extreme to the other, and sometimes I'm torn between the wonderful and the awful that are happening at the same time.
I could use some middle ground. Somewhere from which to gain some perspective. I'm thinking, too, that maybe (just maybe) it's time that everyone start talking more about all these awkward, painful, uncomfortable topics. Except I'm not really all that ready to start, myself, so how can I expect the rest of the world to be?
When the sex part of our relationships is having a downswing, we don't really talk about it. Unless it's in arguments or a strong reaction, we seem to avoid talking about a woman's right to choose (heck, I'm even avoiding the word "abortion" here, for no good reason). People don't, as a rule, talk about fertility issues. Certainly we don't talk about miscarriage. We don't talk about fraught issues with family relationships or broken friendships. Or, how it feels when your dog dies and how you might cry for weeks or months after that. We don't talk about how useless it can feel when someone you love has lost someone they love and there's nothing you can do.
Well, sometimes we talk about those things. Usually in more vague terms, or, even when being specific, avoiding delving too deeply into the emotions of the whole thing. So often I find that when the subjects do finally come up it's after the fact. Once we've made it through the most intense of the emotional storm that accompanies the bare facts.
I'm thinking maybe it's an issue of vulnerability. It's easy to say "I've had that issue, in the past" or "awhile ago, this happened". It's not easy to say "Hey, hold up. I'm in the middle of a shitstorm. And it f*%&ing hurts." Especially when you're seeing the people who are now in the know every day. We don't want to be fragile and broken and vulnerable in front of even our closest friends.
It's hard to say that the our world is falling apart, even if we know things are going to be ok in the end. Even when we're holding it together (if only just).
On my end, we've had a really up and down and all over the place year. There's been some very, very good things going on lately (see: my new job, that I am seriously loving) and some very, very bad things (see: someone I love died and it sucks). Sometimes I'm swinging back and forth from one extreme to the other, and sometimes I'm torn between the wonderful and the awful that are happening at the same time.
I could use some middle ground. Somewhere from which to gain some perspective. I'm thinking, too, that maybe (just maybe) it's time that everyone start talking more about all these awkward, painful, uncomfortable topics. Except I'm not really all that ready to start, myself, so how can I expect the rest of the world to be?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
summer cooking
I don't have an easy time cooking in the summer. It's hot, and sticky, and I don't really want to turn on the oven. I'm a freak of nature in that I'm not a huge BBQ fan, so that only hits the menu about once a week at Bunny's request (and he gets to cook). So, that leaves me with a stovetop, a microwave and a Foreman grill.
Which is great, except for the fact that there's only so much pasta we can eat, that I can only make fried rice so many times before we start getting sick of it. Most of my more complicated stovetop meals are of the heavier variety, and feel a little too hearty for the summer heat. I can make salads, but Bunny loves to tell me that he doesn't like eating rabbit food.
The real issue, though, is I've got a lot going on right now and I'm just not interested in food. I have no inspiration, and summer doesn't really lend itself to my favourite set-it-and-forget-it type meals.
Which is all to say that I need some help here. I'm desperately in need of some great summer recipes that can feed a woman with a little appetite as well as a human garbage disposal. So, I'm hoping you guys can help me out. What are your favourite summer foods?
Which is great, except for the fact that there's only so much pasta we can eat, that I can only make fried rice so many times before we start getting sick of it. Most of my more complicated stovetop meals are of the heavier variety, and feel a little too hearty for the summer heat. I can make salads, but Bunny loves to tell me that he doesn't like eating rabbit food.
The real issue, though, is I've got a lot going on right now and I'm just not interested in food. I have no inspiration, and summer doesn't really lend itself to my favourite set-it-and-forget-it type meals.
Which is all to say that I need some help here. I'm desperately in need of some great summer recipes that can feed a woman with a little appetite as well as a human garbage disposal. So, I'm hoping you guys can help me out. What are your favourite summer foods?
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
life, when it sucks
*So, for the record, these posts are often written days and/or weeks before they go up. Recipes aren't time sensitive, book reviews aren't time sensitive, and when I ramble about personal stuff I like to give myself the time to self-edit if I so want and/or need. So certain date information contained herein applies to me, as I'm writing, not the rest of the world as you're reading. And now, onward.
Today sucks. Today sucks. Today sucks. Today f&%$ing sucks.
So yes, the point is today sucks. Today, as I'm writing, is exactly two months to the day since Bunny's father died. But today doesn't suck because of that. Today sucks because of other shitty medical stuff that's going on in life right now, that I'm not 100% ready to talk about. It seems ironic to spend the two month anniversity of Poppa Bunny's death in the same ER we spent the morning in.
*Sidenote: everyone is ok. No one is seriously sick or injured. Please don't worry about that.
So today's been hard. Really, really hard. You know what, though? That's ok. It's ok to have hard, terrible, sh*tty days. They happen. Everyone gets dealt a cr*p hand sometimes. Today just happened to be my day. (Well, maybe there have been a few too many cr*p hands lately. But it'll all even out, eventually).
So here's my plan, and here's what I've been telling myself: that it is ok to be upset, and it is ok to be frustrated and hurt and annoyed. But worrying about the outcome? That's not ok. I have no control of how things work out, no matter how desperately I wish that I could affect things. This is out of my hands, and I'm going to let it go.
The waiting for information bit, though? That f*%&ing sucks.
Today sucks. Today sucks. Today sucks. Today f&%$ing sucks.
So yes, the point is today sucks. Today, as I'm writing, is exactly two months to the day since Bunny's father died. But today doesn't suck because of that. Today sucks because of other shitty medical stuff that's going on in life right now, that I'm not 100% ready to talk about. It seems ironic to spend the two month anniversity of Poppa Bunny's death in the same ER we spent the morning in.
*Sidenote: everyone is ok. No one is seriously sick or injured. Please don't worry about that.
So today's been hard. Really, really hard. You know what, though? That's ok. It's ok to have hard, terrible, sh*tty days. They happen. Everyone gets dealt a cr*p hand sometimes. Today just happened to be my day. (Well, maybe there have been a few too many cr*p hands lately. But it'll all even out, eventually).
So here's my plan, and here's what I've been telling myself: that it is ok to be upset, and it is ok to be frustrated and hurt and annoyed. But worrying about the outcome? That's not ok. I have no control of how things work out, no matter how desperately I wish that I could affect things. This is out of my hands, and I'm going to let it go.
The waiting for information bit, though? That f*%&ing sucks.
Monday, July 23, 2012
book review: the lions of al-rassan
I am a huge fan of Guy Gavriel Kay's writing. I've read all the fiction he's ever put out, though I've yet to really delve into his poetry. I mean to, at some point. It was almost inevitable that I end up adoring him: a fellow Canadian, who writes fantasy. Historical fantasy, no less.
This isn't the first time I've read The Lions of Al-Rassan, and I'm sure it won't be the last. My copy is so well read that it has no cover, although I can't take all the credit for that as it was a used-bookstore purchase and the cover had half fallen off when I bought it. I love all his books, but this one in particular I keep coming back to.
It takes place in a fantasy version of Spain, and parts of the plot are based on the first Crusade. Religion and the interplay between faith, belonging and how people of one religion can relate to those of another weigh heavily in the book. Kay has created three fantasy religions to stand in for Christianity (the Jaddites), Judaism (the Kindath) and Islam (the Asharites). He uses these religions (well, the whole fantasy world, really) in several of his other books, and by removing the religions we so well know and replacing them with made up versions is able to make some keen insights and commentary. The pseudo-Spain he sets the world in is richly populated and fleshed out well, and it's a comfortable world to slip into. His creates this beautifully rich world for us to slip into, and he uses his setting to create the atmosphere and the mood.
The Lions of Al-Rassan has three main characters: Rodrigo Belmonte, a Jaddite knight and captain (based loosely on El Cid), Ammar ib Khairan, an Asharite poet, warrior and politician, and Jehane bet Ishak, a Kindath doctor. Though the grander plot within the book is based on the Crusades, reading it we see through these three sets of eyes and their relationships with each other drive the story.
The stories are tangled and interwoven. What happens in one area of the Kay's world can have great impacts on other areas, given that our main characters are power players in this world with Belmonte and ibn Khairan both being military leaders for their respective peoples.
There is so much depth and beauty in this book that I barely know where to begin with my review of it. There's this grand commentary on religion and bigotry and the truth (or lack thereof) that can be found within stereotypes. Two secondary characters end up adopting the habits and attire of other religions, and Kay explores this cultural appropriation in a very poignant way. The backstory of the novel is rich where it needs to be, but isn't given too much weight so as to be distracting to the main plotlines.
Kay uses foreshadowing better than almost any other fantasy author I can think of, and from a very early moment in the book begins to hint at what the final climax of the book entails, without giving away anything of the outcome. The climax itself makes me want to cry, and is so beautifully written. I'd say more but it's the moment that the entire book builds to, so I don't want to give it away.
I also find the women in his book, particularly Jehane and Miranda Belmonte and Queen Ines to be compelling. Their personalities and professions, the ways in which they conduct their lives, are set in contrast to a male-dominated world where women aren't given power and agency over their own lives or choices. Watching the ways in which they go about achieving their very different goals is interesting. Jehane, in a way, has the most control of her life; she is able to pursue her education and career as a physician by virtue of the fact that she was born a Kindath. Miranda and Ines, who are powerful women on political stages, have less choice in their own lives but are able to find their own styles of power within their relationships.
All in all? I've read this book a half a dozen times, and will likely read it many more times. This is an all around winner.
This isn't the first time I've read The Lions of Al-Rassan, and I'm sure it won't be the last. My copy is so well read that it has no cover, although I can't take all the credit for that as it was a used-bookstore purchase and the cover had half fallen off when I bought it. I love all his books, but this one in particular I keep coming back to.
It takes place in a fantasy version of Spain, and parts of the plot are based on the first Crusade. Religion and the interplay between faith, belonging and how people of one religion can relate to those of another weigh heavily in the book. Kay has created three fantasy religions to stand in for Christianity (the Jaddites), Judaism (the Kindath) and Islam (the Asharites). He uses these religions (well, the whole fantasy world, really) in several of his other books, and by removing the religions we so well know and replacing them with made up versions is able to make some keen insights and commentary. The pseudo-Spain he sets the world in is richly populated and fleshed out well, and it's a comfortable world to slip into. His creates this beautifully rich world for us to slip into, and he uses his setting to create the atmosphere and the mood.
The Lions of Al-Rassan has three main characters: Rodrigo Belmonte, a Jaddite knight and captain (based loosely on El Cid), Ammar ib Khairan, an Asharite poet, warrior and politician, and Jehane bet Ishak, a Kindath doctor. Though the grander plot within the book is based on the Crusades, reading it we see through these three sets of eyes and their relationships with each other drive the story.
The stories are tangled and interwoven. What happens in one area of the Kay's world can have great impacts on other areas, given that our main characters are power players in this world with Belmonte and ibn Khairan both being military leaders for their respective peoples.
There is so much depth and beauty in this book that I barely know where to begin with my review of it. There's this grand commentary on religion and bigotry and the truth (or lack thereof) that can be found within stereotypes. Two secondary characters end up adopting the habits and attire of other religions, and Kay explores this cultural appropriation in a very poignant way. The backstory of the novel is rich where it needs to be, but isn't given too much weight so as to be distracting to the main plotlines.
Kay uses foreshadowing better than almost any other fantasy author I can think of, and from a very early moment in the book begins to hint at what the final climax of the book entails, without giving away anything of the outcome. The climax itself makes me want to cry, and is so beautifully written. I'd say more but it's the moment that the entire book builds to, so I don't want to give it away.
I also find the women in his book, particularly Jehane and Miranda Belmonte and Queen Ines to be compelling. Their personalities and professions, the ways in which they conduct their lives, are set in contrast to a male-dominated world where women aren't given power and agency over their own lives or choices. Watching the ways in which they go about achieving their very different goals is interesting. Jehane, in a way, has the most control of her life; she is able to pursue her education and career as a physician by virtue of the fact that she was born a Kindath. Miranda and Ines, who are powerful women on political stages, have less choice in their own lives but are able to find their own styles of power within their relationships.
All in all? I've read this book a half a dozen times, and will likely read it many more times. This is an all around winner.
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