A lot of women have a really difficult time deciding whether or not to change their last name after marriage. Me, not so much. I always knew that I wanted to ditch my last name because it has difficult associations for me, and for a lot of reasons it never sat right with me to do a name change to my mom's maiden name when I was single. (For starters, I can barely pronounce it. For other reasons, it would have quite literally been a nail in the coffin to any relationship with my extended paternal family which has been on rocky ground for years anyhow).
So I've always known I'd take Bunny's name. What I didn't expect was that it wouldn't entirely be easy.
Even just being able to "assume" his name by use of our marriage certificate (when we get that) doesn't make the process easy. We can't even send away for that until almost 2 months after the wedding, and then have to wait for its arrival. I still have to do a lot of paperwork, and inform various peoples. And things have to go in very specific orders that I'm still trying to work out (for example, changing the name on my SIN card, bank accounts, and at work will all affect each other for tax purposes and the ability to deposit my paychecks and so has to be done in an effective order).
I've already changed my name socially, which has been easy as pie. Update facebook, correct people when they refer to me by the maiden name or Ms. (because I am a Mrs., thank you very much). It felt weird for the longest time seeing that on facebook, and logging in to the new email address with the new last name.
The bit that's got me all turned up in knots right now? My signature. The other week I was bridesmaids dress shopping for a dear friend's wedding, and after putting the money down I needed to sign off that I was aware this was non-refundable. Well, great. Except this was the first time I had signed my name as a married woman (other than at work, where I still have to use my last name) and I froze. I got my first name out and then had this deer in headlights, what the heck do I do moment.
So that's how I left it. Just my first name, in its terrible scribbled format. So now the question is this, what do I do with the signature. Do I just scrawl "Sheryl Rabbit" in the same awful scratch I've always used with my maiden name? Do I need to wait until things are formally changed? Do I take the opportunity to update the signature and make it something I like more?
I hate how drawn out this process is. I hate that there's so much effort involved in changing the name, because quite frankly I can be a very lazy person and putting effort into something so superficial is nonsense. It would be easier to keep my name, but that's not a decision that feels good to me. I don't want to keep my name. I just don't want to have to go to all this effort to change it, and it's just flat out not fair that the effort is all on my part.
So, to the married ladies (and soon to be married ladies) out there: how has actually getting married affected your feelings on changing your name? Is it still the same old decision it's always been, or is it somehow more complicated or loaded?
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
things I miss about having an apartment
It's been over four months since Bunny and I moved in "temporarily" with my mother. Four months. We weren't supposed to be here this long, but life got away from us, as it so often does. At this point we're a little ambivalent about how much of a rush we're in to move. We like being so close to the families, but it is really hard living with my mom and not having the same level of freedom and independence.
Because things are not the same when you live with your husband in your mother's house. It's an odd situation, but it works for us now. There's a lot of stuff that I miss though. Just to indulge myself here's a list of the top ten things:
Because things are not the same when you live with your husband in your mother's house. It's an odd situation, but it works for us now. There's a lot of stuff that I miss though. Just to indulge myself here's a list of the top ten things:
- Walking around in the nude. Clothes at home suck.
- Spontaneous living room floor sex. (PS, you may not want to sit on our carpet.)
- Our couches that are waaay comfortable but are stuck in garage style storage.
- Queen beds. The twin we have now works, but there isn't much room for the two of us to toss and turn.
- Not needing to talk to anyone other than Bunny when I'm in a bad mood.
- Lights on at night. My mother doesn't believe in this, and Bunny and I go a little crazy in the constant darkness.
- Our artwork! We have some great pieces that we love displaying, but can't right now. We also have a whackload of pictures we've been planning on framing, but there's not a lot of sense right now in doing that.
- My own kitchen. Organized my own way. With me knowing absolutely everything that's in it. And all my lovely pots and pans out.
- Feeling free to have friends over. I guess I could do so here, but I just don't feel comfortable doing so.
- The satisfaction of knowing that Bunny and I are making our own way in the world, taking financial responsibility for ourselves. That feeling is huge.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
married money
As I've already mentioned, I don't really feel like my relationship with Bunny has changed much, other than just being altogether more awesome. So many things are exactly the same. Still, some things do have to shift slightly and coalesce into a more unified front.
One of those things? Our finances. And honestly, it's a strange one. Bunny and I have always been very clear on the general definition of how we'd handle our money when we got married, and we have pretty clear guidelines. What we knew going into the wedding was this:
Those accounts? They won't be merged until mid November at the earliest, because we're doing our damnedest to make sure we have a solid picture of our finances before we get going on this. So October is Track Our Spending Month. We're each jotting down every purchase we make, even if it's only bus fare or a couple dollars on coffee. We'll keep track of the cash flow and at the end of the month I'll play with the numbers and, and put together a budget to suggest to Bunny. He'll take a look at things, see how he feels and if there are any tweaks he'd like to make, things I'd forgotten, or inequalities that I'd missed and then we'll update it until we reach something we both feel good about.
We've done this before, though less intensely, when Bunny quit the design firm to go back to school. What we hadn't done that time is completely merge the money. So it's just a step past from what we've already done with our finances. But it's still different.
Even ahead of that, though, I can already tell that on an emotional level how I approach our finances has changed. What gives? Well, Bunny's been in some significant tooth pain for about a month now and I finally got him to go see the dentist. Turns out the poor man needs a two-part root canal. Which is clearly not so cheap and we will be saying goodbye to almost a thousand dollars at the end of the month in consideration for his health.
Why is Bunny getting a root canal a big deal? Because I pushed him into it a little bit, despite his financial concerns. He was going on about the fact that "he can't afford it" and doesn't have the money and wanted to wait. My response?
"We have X thousand dollars in emergency savings. You needing a root canal is an emergency. We'll take the money out of the fund and pay ourselves back. Your health is important."
Those emergency savings? They're technically in "my" bank account. This is literally the equivalent of my life's savings, the money that I have scrimped and scrounged for since having adult jobs and responsibilities. A year ago, in this situation? I would have without hesitation offered the money to Bunny for his health, no strings attached. What I wouldn't have done is framed it as his money. It feels amazing though, that my financial care and planning has enabled us (me?) to take care of Bunny's needs.
It feels a little odd, because I definitely do have a sneaky emotional attachment to those savings as "my money", but I also completely see it as our money as well. It's an interesting contrast inside me that I'm still working out. Clearly there is a shift, and it's certainly significant, but it's also subtle. I'm pretty emotional about money: having it makes me feel good, not having it makes me feel pretty crappy. So this joint money thing? May be a bit of an emotional ride.
One of those things? Our finances. And honestly, it's a strange one. Bunny and I have always been very clear on the general definition of how we'd handle our money when we got married, and we have pretty clear guidelines. What we knew going into the wedding was this:
- We're of the "one pot" completely joint money philosophy
- We both want and need the freedom of personal spending money, and so we will both get monthly spending allowances
- I will be nominally in charge of our money (balancing the budget and checkbook, handing out both of our allowances, tracking and paying the bills) but Bunny is to have an absolutely equal voice in how we manage our money and is to be kept 100% in the loop of our financial status
- This means we'll probably have monthly budget meetings to review where we stand and make sure I've updated Bunny on what's gone on in a clear form (not just "oh, we spent too much on groceries" in passing)
- We both have large financial expenses (my student loans, Bunny's final apprenticeship classes upcoming, Bunny's work supplies which can get super expensive but are tax deductible) that we will work at together
Those accounts? They won't be merged until mid November at the earliest, because we're doing our damnedest to make sure we have a solid picture of our finances before we get going on this. So October is Track Our Spending Month. We're each jotting down every purchase we make, even if it's only bus fare or a couple dollars on coffee. We'll keep track of the cash flow and at the end of the month I'll play with the numbers and, and put together a budget to suggest to Bunny. He'll take a look at things, see how he feels and if there are any tweaks he'd like to make, things I'd forgotten, or inequalities that I'd missed and then we'll update it until we reach something we both feel good about.
We've done this before, though less intensely, when Bunny quit the design firm to go back to school. What we hadn't done that time is completely merge the money. So it's just a step past from what we've already done with our finances. But it's still different.
Even ahead of that, though, I can already tell that on an emotional level how I approach our finances has changed. What gives? Well, Bunny's been in some significant tooth pain for about a month now and I finally got him to go see the dentist. Turns out the poor man needs a two-part root canal. Which is clearly not so cheap and we will be saying goodbye to almost a thousand dollars at the end of the month in consideration for his health.
Why is Bunny getting a root canal a big deal? Because I pushed him into it a little bit, despite his financial concerns. He was going on about the fact that "he can't afford it" and doesn't have the money and wanted to wait. My response?
"We have X thousand dollars in emergency savings. You needing a root canal is an emergency. We'll take the money out of the fund and pay ourselves back. Your health is important."
Those emergency savings? They're technically in "my" bank account. This is literally the equivalent of my life's savings, the money that I have scrimped and scrounged for since having adult jobs and responsibilities. A year ago, in this situation? I would have without hesitation offered the money to Bunny for his health, no strings attached. What I wouldn't have done is framed it as his money. It feels amazing though, that my financial care and planning has enabled us (me?) to take care of Bunny's needs.
It feels a little odd, because I definitely do have a sneaky emotional attachment to those savings as "my money", but I also completely see it as our money as well. It's an interesting contrast inside me that I'm still working out. Clearly there is a shift, and it's certainly significant, but it's also subtle. I'm pretty emotional about money: having it makes me feel good, not having it makes me feel pretty crappy. So this joint money thing? May be a bit of an emotional ride.
Monday, October 15, 2012
the lips have colour
Do you wear lipstick? (Or lip gloss? Or anything more than chapstick, really?)
I have a fairly developed makeup routine, I like playing around with the stuff using it to smooth things out and playing with colours on my eyes. I've figured my way out around concealer and foundations and powders and blush and about a million different eye products because making my eyes prettier is my favourite thing. What I haven't really figured out is lipstick. I mean I'm so at odds with the stuff I didn't even wear it when we got married.
Which is odd, because lipstick had been my first foray into makeup. My mom used lipstick, from Amway in Venetian Plum (always the same) as the lynchpin of her makeup routine and I grew up with her not leaving the house without at least lipstick and earrings on. So why the heck haven't I figured out lipstick?
I have some great lipsticks, colours just a little richer than my own lip colour that feel smooth going on. I even know how to apply them, in three different ways, and how to blot excess off and make the main bit stick better.
Two issues bog me down with wearing lip colour though: it never stays in place once I start to eat (and I drink and nibble throughout the day), and more importantly I always feel "fake" in it. It looks so clearly different from who I am that I figure everyone must think I look like I'm trying to hard in it. Which is completely backward, because when I see lipstick on other women and I adore the look, but I just don't have the confidence to carry it off myself.
Any lipstick fans here? What do you like about it? How do you get it to work for you?
I have a fairly developed makeup routine, I like playing around with the stuff using it to smooth things out and playing with colours on my eyes. I've figured my way out around concealer and foundations and powders and blush and about a million different eye products because making my eyes prettier is my favourite thing. What I haven't really figured out is lipstick. I mean I'm so at odds with the stuff I didn't even wear it when we got married.
Which is odd, because lipstick had been my first foray into makeup. My mom used lipstick, from Amway in Venetian Plum (always the same) as the lynchpin of her makeup routine and I grew up with her not leaving the house without at least lipstick and earrings on. So why the heck haven't I figured out lipstick?
I have some great lipsticks, colours just a little richer than my own lip colour that feel smooth going on. I even know how to apply them, in three different ways, and how to blot excess off and make the main bit stick better.
Two issues bog me down with wearing lip colour though: it never stays in place once I start to eat (and I drink and nibble throughout the day), and more importantly I always feel "fake" in it. It looks so clearly different from who I am that I figure everyone must think I look like I'm trying to hard in it. Which is completely backward, because when I see lipstick on other women and I adore the look, but I just don't have the confidence to carry it off myself.
Any lipstick fans here? What do you like about it? How do you get it to work for you?
Friday, October 12, 2012
boots, oh dear lord but the boots
I was not supposed to buy boots last weekend. I was not supposed to buy boots last weekend. Guess what I bought last weekend? Kind of slashed the budget to smithereens, but the price was phenomenal ($65, real leather, brand that I trust to last and be comfortable - this is less than what Payless was advertising), the boots were perfect, and I am a weak willed woman when faced with beautiful boots.
I've been promising myself a new pair of everyday boots for awhile. I have multiple pairs of black boots (from delicate calf length to gothy-stompy-fun to practical to dress), and a handful of fun coloured calf length boots, but I am somehow completely and utterly bereft of brown boots. (Until now, that is). So of course the past two winters I've told myself that I could buy brown boots. One pair of beautiful brown boots.
Except everytime I see a pair I like they've been $200, and maybe I'm cheap but that was just not happening. Maybe, maybe $150 but I'd have to be crazy in love with the boots, they'd have to be real leather and possibly even brand name to warrant that price. This last weekend? I didn't even mean to end up in the outlet mall, but we were already there and it would have been just ridiculous to leave without at least stopping in Coach and Nine West.* And then once I struck out there, clearly I needed to stop in Danier and in every other shoe store in the mall.
Finally, when there was only one store left, and it was the comfortable shoe store, I said "well, self, you've gone in every shoe store up to now. might as well check this one out just in case." And what do you know, not only did they have some knee high, cognac leather smoking hot heeled boots, but they were less tan $100 full price and they were giving out 30% off coupons.
Can I just say, these are smoking hot. And together with the skinny jeans? Boo ya. (Or at least, I'm pretty sure that's what Bunny's been saying when he manages to drag his chin off the store). It's interesting lines, and its sexy and I just feel hawt. These boots are making me want to go out and buy more skinny pants, because I want to show them off so much. (Also, they co ordinate with the new bag I treated myself to. NBD.)
*Note to self: don't walk into Coach if I don't intend to walk out with a purse. That's just dangerous right there.
I've been promising myself a new pair of everyday boots for awhile. I have multiple pairs of black boots (from delicate calf length to gothy-stompy-fun to practical to dress), and a handful of fun coloured calf length boots, but I am somehow completely and utterly bereft of brown boots. (Until now, that is). So of course the past two winters I've told myself that I could buy brown boots. One pair of beautiful brown boots.
Except everytime I see a pair I like they've been $200, and maybe I'm cheap but that was just not happening. Maybe, maybe $150 but I'd have to be crazy in love with the boots, they'd have to be real leather and possibly even brand name to warrant that price. This last weekend? I didn't even mean to end up in the outlet mall, but we were already there and it would have been just ridiculous to leave without at least stopping in Coach and Nine West.* And then once I struck out there, clearly I needed to stop in Danier and in every other shoe store in the mall.
Finally, when there was only one store left, and it was the comfortable shoe store, I said "well, self, you've gone in every shoe store up to now. might as well check this one out just in case." And what do you know, not only did they have some knee high, cognac leather smoking hot heeled boots, but they were less tan $100 full price and they were giving out 30% off coupons.
Can I just say, these are smoking hot. And together with the skinny jeans? Boo ya. (Or at least, I'm pretty sure that's what Bunny's been saying when he manages to drag his chin off the store). It's interesting lines, and its sexy and I just feel hawt. These boots are making me want to go out and buy more skinny pants, because I want to show them off so much. (Also, they co ordinate with the new bag I treated myself to. NBD.)
*Note to self: don't walk into Coach if I don't intend to walk out with a purse. That's just dangerous right there.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
people do not own people
This breaks my heart that I'm reading about a case of human trafficking occurring in Canada. I mean, I know I shouldn't be surprised. This is an issue I pay attention to, and it's one has been known to get me so worked up I can't form a coherent sentence. It is ridiculous that in this world, these days, such a thing as slavery still exists. Not just in the developing world, but in industrialized nations. In North America. In my home.
That's how this feels; like this issue is literally invading my home. It makes me feel unsafe, like my own autonomy and freedom are at risk. That's the thing though: when we allow any one person's freedom to be taken away, when just one person gets away with "owning" another individual it impedes on everyone's freedom, everyone's security. No one should have to go through this.
So when a human trafficking ring is busted in northern Alberta, my heart hurts. When a religious leader is implicated in that bust is blows my mind.
I don't know where to go from here, and I don't think there are any easy answers. But this is something I can't simply turn a blind eye to, I need to stand up and acknowlege this and be very, very clear: This is not ok. I am not ok living in a world where people treat other people with this level of disrepect and contempt.
That's how this feels; like this issue is literally invading my home. It makes me feel unsafe, like my own autonomy and freedom are at risk. That's the thing though: when we allow any one person's freedom to be taken away, when just one person gets away with "owning" another individual it impedes on everyone's freedom, everyone's security. No one should have to go through this.
So when a human trafficking ring is busted in northern Alberta, my heart hurts. When a religious leader is implicated in that bust is blows my mind.
I don't know where to go from here, and I don't think there are any easy answers. But this is something I can't simply turn a blind eye to, I need to stand up and acknowlege this and be very, very clear: This is not ok. I am not ok living in a world where people treat other people with this level of disrepect and contempt.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
crafting notes, and favourite things
So this quilting this? Or, at least piecing the quilt blocks? This is way, way easier than I'd expected it to be. Use some tools to measure and cut correctly, and then sew some straight lines. Iron some stuff, sew more straight lines, move on to the next block. Seriously, this is easy. Of course in all fairness I'm doing easy blocks, no triangular bits or curved lines (but I have been doing some blocks-within-blocks to test things out) but still. This is easy. (Disclaimer: this is easy for people who can sew and like to do so.) I've got almost a dozen quilting blocks made at this point, and it's not so easy.
I love that I have this simple enough thing to do with my hands when I'm sitting around watching tv, or just chatting with the family. I love that at different points it requires more or less concentration. (More concentration? Measuring, cutting and marking seams. Less concentration? Sewing the seams.) I love how every day I can be doing something different but I'm still, you know, making a quilt.
It's fun to get to show off the pieces and have my sister in law and my niece ask to see updates and want to know exactly what it is I'm working on at the moment, or to help me decide how to put the blocks together.
I'm still figuring out just how big this quilt is going to be. I've kind of run out of two of my base fabrics, and this thing isn't yet going to be as big as I want it, so I'll need to get more. The question is how much more.
I love that I have this simple enough thing to do with my hands when I'm sitting around watching tv, or just chatting with the family. I love that at different points it requires more or less concentration. (More concentration? Measuring, cutting and marking seams. Less concentration? Sewing the seams.) I love how every day I can be doing something different but I'm still, you know, making a quilt.
It's fun to get to show off the pieces and have my sister in law and my niece ask to see updates and want to know exactly what it is I'm working on at the moment, or to help me decide how to put the blocks together.
I'm still figuring out just how big this quilt is going to be. I've kind of run out of two of my base fabrics, and this thing isn't yet going to be as big as I want it, so I'll need to get more. The question is how much more.
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