Tuesday, June 12, 2012

life, and having enough

I'm at the end of my rope today. (Granted, "today" for me, means several days before you guys will read this, but still.) I have had enough. I do not want anymore.

You'll have to take my word that I'm saying that in a calm way.

It's been a long week, and the next few days aren't really going to be any calmer. Visits. Days on busses. Graduations. Packing. Meetings. Etc.

Really, I reached my breaking point the night of the funeral. All day taking care of Bunny, and everyone else, and then Bunny had a moment at the end of the night that pushed the one button I was just not equipped to handle. Then I got to take care of him some more.

I was something of a brat the next day. Well, I was a total brat the next day. His hung over self got no rest, as I very nearly tortured him. Mostly I just woke him up every time he got to sleep and yelled at him to drink his water. It wasn't the nicest thing I've ever done to him.

It's just all too much. His dad dying is this big, horrible awful thing that still doesn't seem real. I still pretty much expect that he's just down in his radio room when I'm around the house, even though I know he's not. The big problem right now is that it's mixed up with all these other changes and it's just too much. Have I said that bit before? It's too effing much.

My life is upside down and I don't even know what I'm reacting to anymore.

But I'm damn pissed that I no longer have the privacy to just react and feel what I need to feel in private. Two adjacent three bedroom homes. Seven people. There is no privacy in my life and it's driving me up the f*cking g*dd*mn wall.

Also, because I want SOMETHING here to be happy right now, I have to say I'm super excited for summer walks on the beach, and ice cream at the little stand (Sarasota's? I think?) by the marina. Yeah those bits will rock.


  1. It must be very hard. I'm sorry. Having all these big happenings and massive decisions follow up so fast would drive many people up the wall. Especially with so many people in such a small space.

    I hope you've been able to find a little solitude and some peace and quiet, if only by borrowing someone's car and going for a drive. Hang in there!

    1. Some days definitely *are* hard (others are much, much easier). It's been a whirlwind of change and that's definitely been overwhelming.

      I'm slowly learning where I can carve out my alone time here, and even though it might not be exactly when or where I want it to be knowing that "ok, I have the house to myself for x number of hours at this point" has helped a lot. :)