My body has been kind of pissing me off the last couple months. Other than the pregnancy, for the last few years my body has been almost clockwork on a 30 days cycle. Since the miscarriage that cycle's been a little bit off, and in odd ways.
As in every other month I've been a week late. Which is stressful and hard to deal with. When I want to be pregnant being late can't help but spark this little bubble of hope in me. Then you add in the fact that the PMS stretches on and I'm moody which could mean and I'm really starting to think and hope that maybe again? Then a trip to the bathroom completely dashes everything.
It's hard having my body play tricks on me. The roller coaster of hope and expectation is hard enough on its own. Of course it makes tracking cycles and judging what I'm supposed to be expecting and when I'm supposed to be expecting it somewhat monstrous. To add to that all, I've also been under the weather off and on more than usual for the last few months. I've been cycling off and on through some pretty extreme exhaustion that's been overwhelming when I'm in the midst of it, and I've probably thrown up more in the past six months than I have in the entire past six years.
Something I really had no way of understanding before is just how consuming the idea of getting pregnant can become. I'll never properly know whether the miscarriage has made this roller coaster of hope and waiting more emotional for me, but I somehow think it has. Bait and switch, you know? Now, even though I have some huge fears and part of me feels oddly ambivalent about having a baby I've got this drive in the back of my mind and an inability to push it from my mind.