Monday, July 30, 2012

life, and musings in general

This has been a hard year for me, so far. (And for Bunny, too.) A really, incredibly difficult year. A lot of things that have happened since 2012 began I really could have done without. Deaths, moves that I wasn't excited about (but have since come to terms with), six long months of unemployment and a fruitless job search while Bunny was in school, difficulties finding Bunny the job he needed in the career he loves.

With all the avalanche of just plain bad and flat out difficult and general struggle that the past seven months have been absolutely brutal in some ways. Painful, uncomfortable, disheartening; I could easily describe this year with any of those adjectives. So far, 2012 has had a lot of the suck going on. In fact, in some ways it is shaping up to be the worst year of my life, and that right there is a big statement. I've never had so much of the hard stuff in one little bitty time frame. I really just can't wrap my head around all the sh*t that's gone down in the past seven months.

There's been a lot of good in the year, too. Really reaffirming that my relationship with Bunny is strong, and flexible, and can grow. Knowing that we are both capable of being each other's rock when we need it. Realizing that Bunny completely knows about my bullsh*t need to yell at people who are mostly blameless when I'm mad at the world and doesn't take it personally, and me myself catching myself and stopping myself and apologizing in the moment as opposed to only being able to do damage control after the fact. (Hopefully that means I'm on track to stop myself before that even starts, next time.) Seeing how clearly our goals line up for the big important and long term stuff, and noting how we're both willing to give a little when it's necessary. Having proof positive that Bunny's willing to make the same sort of personal sacrifices for my happiness that I've made for his in the past few years. Realizing that I am, in fact, capable of pulling my shit together and being professional at work even when my life is falling apart. That came as a really big surprise, actually. Making big life changes that are uncomfortable and make me angry but end up feeling just plain right once I give them time to settle in.

2012 is also the year that Bunny and I are going to get married. (Just don't ask us for details or dates, we've given up trying to plan this thing and are just going to do it on the fly.) That one act? That is enough to almost completely balance out all the cr*p that 2012 has thrown at me.

This has been a year of learning how to have some sort of grace in the face of loss and general life crappiness. It's been learning how to assert my needs when I'm down and out, which is something I'm historically terrible at. I'm still not very good at it, but at least I'm not so awful at it either. It's been backing up and recognizing that my way isn't always the right way, and certainly isn't the only way. It's been staring down some of my biggest life dreams and finding out a way to be ok when the floor falls out from under me. Pulling myself together, at least on the surface, because I have a life I need to live and I can't always just stop everything because I want to stay home and cry. It's knowing that some things I can bail on for no other reason than to stay home and cry, and that even when I can't bail that there's always time to cry later. It's recognizing that when things are, in fact, that bad that I can cry like a banshee .... but I don't have to be alone for that. It's been learning to recognize my limits for rational thought when things aren't going well, and accepting the fact that I am incapable of making a trivial decision like what to eat or where to sit down when things are going really, really badly. It's knowing that even though the minutiae paralyze me in those moments that I can handle the important decisions, and the hard ones.

There's been a lot of snuggling lately. A lot of emotionally drained napping. A lot of sitting around and staring at nothing, because sometimes just being conscious and living through a sh*tty moment is already more than I can take. There hasn't been any cooking, really for most of the last two weeks. I've come to terms with the fact that there is such a thing, for me, as too upset to cook and that it comes with being too upset to eat. There's been a lot of eating just because it makes Bunny happy to see me eat lately. (Which, for now, is as good a reason as any to eat. Soon I'll hopefully start actually enjoying food again.)

It`s been a damn hard year, thus far. And that`s ok, hard years happen. But even when life sucks, there are bright spots and it`s all the more important to hold on to your silver linings. Right now? I'm just glad that 2012 is more than halfway over.

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