Monday, August 20, 2012

the difference

99% of the time I'm fairly oblivious to the somewhat substantial age gap between Bunny and myself. It's more a chance to tease him about being an old man than anything else, although sometimes it feels like a cultural difference being that we grew up in different generations. It just doesn't figure into our relationship.

Except sometimes it does. Sometimes I have a hard time with being so young in comparison to him and I feel like I have to hurry up and catch up with him. Sometimes I feel like he's running miles ahead of me and he needs to just slow down and wait for me. Having 11 years between us means that even if we're on the same page most of the time with what we want and need out of life that sometimes there are very stark differences.

Like with the whole bit about buying a house. He's had almost twenty years of being an adult and working towards his adult priorities like home ownership. The last career he was in gave him a salary that essentially meant he could have anything he wanted - like six weeks in Southeast Asia or buying expensive toys on a whim or a real opportunity to buy a house. Me, on the other hand? Well I'm still pretty fresh out of school and working on figuring out what I want out of my working life and how careers and money fit into everything else I want.

I want so much else. I want a family and vacations and babies and long nights spent alone together and to see the pyramids and to have fulfilling hobbies and the sort of financial situation that makes me feel secure, in everything. I want to hand make a couple items of clothing just to say I did.

Some of the things that Bunny wants out of life right now mean that I need to grow up faster than I'm ready. Some of the things I want out of life means that Bunny needs to slow down and spin his heels for a bit waiting, which might feel a little like stagnation to him. When Bunny decides he wants something it's with a certain sense of urgency, as if time is running out and he needs to do everything he can to get where he's going in time to enjoy it; I'm left feeling a little like I need to hurry up so I don't miss the boat.

It seems to silly that something as silly as the numbers on our birth certificates can dictate some of big negotiations and compromises in our relationship, especially when ususally it's such a miniscule part of who we are as a couple. It doesn't factor into our day to day lives at all. It's never a point of real contention, it's just a very emotional negotiation sometimes.

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